First off, sorry if there's weird sentences english isn't my first language.
I'm really new to D&D (I've played 4 sessions total). So far I really love the game but this player is making it hard to enjoy. I'm not sure what I can do about this so I'm in need of some help.
Theres this one player that constantly breaks game. Because him and the DM are close, hes constantly trying to get "extras" or favours from him. He always knows a little bit of whats gonna happen and uses that knowledge to his advantage. He als has a companion thats (still?) fairly useless that he tries to teach usually useless tricks to. This just wastes everyones time and really does not contribute anything to the party, story or session in general. This constant distraction from the game makes it insanely hard for me to roleplay my character and also to just generally enjoy the campaign.
Now to the catalyst for me making this post: this gets ****ed up (sexual assault in game and such) so I appreciate if you read it but if this is something you struggle with I understand if you skip (marked as spoiler).
So in the session we were only 4 out of a much larger party, we did some side quests and thats it. While in a tavern out DM brought up a random ***** in a corner as a gag (kinda immersion breaking but whatever). This player decides to take it whith him to use as a weapon. Okay, weird but still in the haha-wth realm. We then decide to do a quest where we had to kill a bunch of ogres in a cave. He used the ***** as a weapon by basically brutally shoving it up ogre's asses and killing them with that. It was super disturbing the more I think about it. He was essentially laughing about how he killed the ogres by brutally analy ****** them. At the time I was taken aback and laughed and made a few jokes, too but I feel absolutely horrible about it now. The DM didn't really do much about it, and while I don't want to blame it on him (becaue he can't just say no to everything) I feel like he could and should have done something.
My BF (who also plays in this campaign) was absolutely appalled by it and we told some of the other party members that weren't there who were really disgusted as well. I'm generally shy and anxious and I don't know what to do. I'm kind of scared of the reaction I'd get by briging this up.
(1) You have absolutely no obligation to continue playing with people who make you feel uncomfortable. If this group doesn't encourage you to express your concerns, then you should find one that does.
(2) If you are willing to, message the DM privately and let them know that you're uncomfortable with the direction that the game is headed, and that you'd be interested in moving in a more wholesome direction.
If the DM doesn't seriously consider your request and give you a respectful response, then they were never a good DM to begin with.
(3) Unionize. If 2~4 players of a 6 person party all express the same concern, then you can respectfully set an ultimatum. Either the game makes a few changes, or half the party can leave and start their own game.
The only thing you really shouldn't do is stay quiet. The longer an issue goes unaddressed, the worse it may become, and the harder it may be to treat.
You have power, value, and support. Communication is fundamental to D&D as well as any healthy relationship.
The stuff before the spoiler is probably annoying, but not necessarily problematic. The companion thing in particular - another player's fun is just as valid as yours, so sometimes you'll have to compromise and put up with some things that annoy you a bit. Not great, but nothing to make a big deal of either.
The stuff in the spoiler though, that shouldn't ever fly. Completely, totally unacceptable unless the group as a whole is (preferably explicitly) ok with it. And it will never be solved if not confronted. I appreciate that you're shy and anxious and probably really don't want to get into this, but it's not going to go away unless someone makes it. I'm not usually in favour of ganging up on someone, but if a handful of people are equally horrified as you then yes, absolutely do gang up on that other player and on the DM. In a civil manner, but be clear about the numbers on both sides of the issue.
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Ideally if extreme stuff is going to come up in the game, the group discusses everyone's boundaries before it happens.
Some groups are going to be okay with explicit sex and even ****, but I'd say it should be the assumption it is not acceptable unless explicitly agreed.
Your options are to discuss it with your group and ask the player to stop, or if you too weirded out that he even wants to play that way, go your separate ways.
I'm really sorry this was your introduction to D&D. You should know there are groups that aren't like that.
Absolutely talk to the DM. Respectfully text, email, message, or in person explain how you feel and ask that the issue be addressed. The DM should be the one to police their own table and talk to the player in question. If they don’t then maybe as a group (you said others that were told also found the behavior unacceptable), bring it up and hopefully it can be resolved.
If the DM or the player don’t seem interested in changing then it might be best to leave.
It is not the sole responsibility of the DM to police the table, The game including, its conduct standards, is determined collectively. If the OP, their bf, and at least one other table member are at least taking pause at what happens, there's enough of a quorum to talk it out. It sounds like there may be a maturity issue with the DM and the offensive player. Everyone involved in the discussion should make it clear that conduct like that "isn't normal" play, enough of you are worried this conduct will be normalized in future play unless the table sets some standards, and then discuss the tables discomfort of the apparent license the DM grants their friend to carry on in this way as probably a result of the DM continued pattern of caving to this player.
I'm not sure about the OP's geography, but that's if the players in question are really invested in this particular table. It sounds like this table is exceptionally poorly run, there are other tables out there that begin with a more conventional understanding of what decent conduct is, and if you all decide to leave, you don't owe the DM and their buddy an explanation. If they are reflective maybe they'll figure it out. Sure it'd be great for the hobby if they grew up a bit, but that isn't anyone's obligation but the offending player and tolerating DM.
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Jander Sunstar is the thinking person's Drizzt, fight me.
I would probably depart a group where they were doing this kind of stuff. It's just too out of tone for what I am looking for in a D&D game, and if the DM is in on it, then the tone would not be one I would enjoy. I'd leave.
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WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
I would probably depart a group where they were doing this kind of stuff. It's just too out of tone for what I am looking for in a D&D game, and if the DM is in on it, then the tone would not be one I would enjoy. I'd leave.
I would probably depart a group where they were doing this kind of stuff. It's just too out of tone for what I am looking for in a D&D game, and if the DM is in on it, then the tone would not be one I would enjoy. I'd leave.
My thoughts exactly! Even if I would allow that as a course of action, how do you even begin to run an encounter where part of of one PC's actions are, "I am going to take this object and insert it in the a** of the ogre..."?
I have only played in one game where party members had a serious issue with another party member. The player himself was great, he was just RPing his character in such a way that it seriously detracted from the game. I, as the rogue assassin, made a comment that he might want to change his methods, as he had to sleep sometime... And outside of the game, we talked and told him what he was doing to disrupt things. he agreed to retcon his actions a bit, and it was great after that.
The fact that the object was there in the first place followed by a side quest where the player could use it says to me that the DM was in on it from the start. You should be confronting both the DM and the player. If you are too shy speak to your BF and he should be confronting them on your behalf. If he won’t it’s time to find a new game AND bf. this type of behavior is not acceptable at the vast majority of tables and a bf that won’t support you is no bf.
The fact that the object was there in the first place followed by a side quest where the player could use it says to me that the DM was in on it from the start. You should be confronting both the DM and the player. If you are too shy speak to your BF and he should be confronting them on your behalf. If he won’t it’s time to find a new game AND bf. this type of behavior is not acceptable at the vast majority of tables and a bf that won’t support you is no bf.
Indeed, and if that is the case then I can unfortunately say from experience that you're probably unlikely to get very far by talking. If the DM and player are friends then they'll most likely close ranks. If it were me I'd probably just leave and try and find a better group.
The fact that the object was there in the first place followed by a side quest where the player could use it says to me that the DM was in on it from the start. You should be confronting both the DM and the player. If you are too shy speak to your BF and he should be confronting them on your behalf. If he won’t it’s time to find a new game AND bf. this type of behavior is not acceptable at the vast majority of tables and a bf that won’t support you is no bf.
Yeah, I didn't pick up on that, and now I'm imagining a more sinister interpretation. Assuming the OP is female, the DM and this player may have planned out this scenario to "test" if the "girl" at the table was going to be "cool" or put a damper on their "fun" by being all "offended".
It's a common tactic abusers use. Test the waters to see your tolerance for abuse and gradually escalate it. It's a way to make sure the only women at their table are there as objects for abuse. Run.
I would leave that group and find another group. That’s behavior that I hate and I don’t participate in it, even when it’s “just a game” which is what that player’s excuse is going to be.
Depending on how many players make up the total group, splitting into two groups might be better. 4 players + DM is definitely large enough to run good adventures.
On the one hand I think the first solution is to talk to the player. They're evidently reading the room - or at least two players' reactions - poorly, if at all, so they might not be aware they're making you uncomfortable. If you do bring it up privately and they don't care or get defensive/aggressive, a compromise has to be found: it's either you or them. And while that can be a tough decision to make, especially if you feel like you'd be letting the team down, it's a decision that you have the option of making quietly and without drama, such as your DM publically kicking you out or doing other things to spite you (killing a character, removing loot, putting you through situations that will make you want to leave.) And given this player curries favour with the DM, I'd say they're more likely to remove you than them.
On the other hand, tell everyone at the beginning of your next session what you're uncomfortable with, and ask if things can be changed. If they can't/won't adjust, you can leave and they can continue with their game minus one (or several) player(s). If things don't change after players have said they would, it'll only be harder for both you and the rest of the players to continue when your character vanishes into thin air as you go home.
Whatever you decide to do, nothing can change until you communicate. You've already done well to come to this forum and ask for advice! If you decide not to show up without saying why, the player who has made you uncomfortable won't know what to change and may even double down on it, and if they do change it may be too late until someone from that group asks you to come back. And if that's the kind of game they and other players want to play, that's also fine, but you shouldn't have to suffer through it.
The balance of what is fun for each player is hard to get right, especially when you're new to the game, but this player should easily be able to compromise on their depravity. If they won't, walk away with your head held high knowing you did what you could and that you've not really lost all that much. There'll always be other groups, preferably ones who are less interested in playing a game that clearly favours a single player.
Zero is the most important number in D&D: Session Zero sets the boundaries and the tone; Rule Zero dictates the Dungeon Master (DM) is the final arbiter; and Zero D&D is better than Bad D&D.
"Let us speak plainly now, and in earnest, for words mean little without the weight of conviction."
As others have said you'll need to do what makes you comfortable. Something else to consider is whether the group would be willing to implement Safety Tools (Eg: https://goldenlassogames.com/tools). There are other tools out there. These are important as they help keep the game from going to places that are not fun. After all when the spell Dominate Person exists. There needs to be some boundaries. All the best.
I will admit the group I am does weird stuff and some "hanky panky goes on" between characters... but all of that for the most part is PG related... and everyone in our group is on board with such things.
That being said what happened in the OP's group is seriously wrong... for a variety of reasons (I'm not even making a personal judgement call on the actions themselves, rather all the other issues). Like others mentioned this sounded planned, do to other people's reactions it didn't sound like the group was okay with it either which means boundaries were never mentioned at the table to begin with, and I could go on for a bit.
The best advice most people can offer in this situation is try to find another group, which while hard in the current environment, because if the DM and a player are friends and since this sounds like a setup, things could only get worse from here.
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First off, sorry if there's weird sentences english isn't my first language.
I'm really new to D&D (I've played 4 sessions total). So far I really love the game but this player is making it hard to enjoy. I'm not sure what I can do about this so I'm in need of some help.
Theres this one player that constantly breaks game. Because him and the DM are close, hes constantly trying to get "extras" or favours from him. He always knows a little bit of whats gonna happen and uses that knowledge to his advantage.
He als has a companion thats (still?) fairly useless that he tries to teach usually useless tricks to. This just wastes everyones time and really does not contribute anything to the party, story or session in general. This constant distraction from the game makes it insanely hard for me to roleplay my character and also to just generally enjoy the campaign.
Now to the catalyst for me making this post: this gets ****ed up (sexual assault in game and such) so I appreciate if you read it but if this is something you struggle with I understand if you skip (marked as spoiler).
So in the session we were only 4 out of a much larger party, we did some side quests and thats it. While in a tavern out DM brought up a random ***** in a corner as a gag (kinda immersion breaking but whatever). This player decides to take it whith him to use as a weapon. Okay, weird but still in the haha-wth realm. We then decide to do a quest where we had to kill a bunch of ogres in a cave. He used the ***** as a weapon by basically brutally shoving it up ogre's asses and killing them with that. It was super disturbing the more I think about it. He was essentially laughing about how he killed the ogres by brutally analy ****** them. At the time I was taken aback and laughed and made a few jokes, too but I feel absolutely horrible about it now. The DM didn't really do much about it, and while I don't want to blame it on him (becaue he can't just say no to everything) I feel like he could and should have done something.
My BF (who also plays in this campaign) was absolutely appalled by it and we told some of the other party members that weren't there who were really disgusted as well. I'm generally shy and anxious and I don't know what to do. I'm kind of scared of the reaction I'd get by briging this up.
(1) You have absolutely no obligation to continue playing with people who make you feel uncomfortable. If this group doesn't encourage you to express your concerns, then you should find one that does.
(2) If you are willing to, message the DM privately and let them know that you're uncomfortable with the direction that the game is headed, and that you'd be interested in moving in a more wholesome direction.
If the DM doesn't seriously consider your request and give you a respectful response, then they were never a good DM to begin with.
(3) Unionize. If 2~4 players of a 6 person party all express the same concern, then you can respectfully set an ultimatum. Either the game makes a few changes, or half the party can leave and start their own game.
The only thing you really shouldn't do is stay quiet. The longer an issue goes unaddressed, the worse it may become, and the harder it may be to treat.
You have power, value, and support. Communication is fundamental to D&D as well as any healthy relationship.
The stuff before the spoiler is probably annoying, but not necessarily problematic. The companion thing in particular - another player's fun is just as valid as yours, so sometimes you'll have to compromise and put up with some things that annoy you a bit. Not great, but nothing to make a big deal of either.
The stuff in the spoiler though, that shouldn't ever fly. Completely, totally unacceptable unless the group as a whole is (preferably explicitly) ok with it. And it will never be solved if not confronted. I appreciate that you're shy and anxious and probably really don't want to get into this, but it's not going to go away unless someone makes it. I'm not usually in favour of ganging up on someone, but if a handful of people are equally horrified as you then yes, absolutely do gang up on that other player and on the DM. In a civil manner, but be clear about the numbers on both sides of the issue.
Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
Ideally if extreme stuff is going to come up in the game, the group discusses everyone's boundaries before it happens.
Some groups are going to be okay with explicit sex and even ****, but I'd say it should be the assumption it is not acceptable unless explicitly agreed.
Your options are to discuss it with your group and ask the player to stop, or if you too weirded out that he even wants to play that way, go your separate ways.
I'm really sorry this was your introduction to D&D. You should know there are groups that aren't like that.
Absolutely talk to the DM. Respectfully text, email, message, or in person explain how you feel and ask that the issue be addressed. The DM should be the one to police their own table and talk to the player in question. If they don’t then maybe as a group (you said others that were told also found the behavior unacceptable), bring it up and hopefully it can be resolved.
If the DM or the player don’t seem interested in changing then it might be best to leave.
EZD6 by DM Scotty
https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/397599/EZD6-Core-Rulebook?
It is not the sole responsibility of the DM to police the table, The game including, its conduct standards, is determined collectively. If the OP, their bf, and at least one other table member are at least taking pause at what happens, there's enough of a quorum to talk it out. It sounds like there may be a maturity issue with the DM and the offensive player. Everyone involved in the discussion should make it clear that conduct like that "isn't normal" play, enough of you are worried this conduct will be normalized in future play unless the table sets some standards, and then discuss the tables discomfort of the apparent license the DM grants their friend to carry on in this way as probably a result of the DM continued pattern of caving to this player.
I'm not sure about the OP's geography, but that's if the players in question are really invested in this particular table. It sounds like this table is exceptionally poorly run, there are other tables out there that begin with a more conventional understanding of what decent conduct is, and if you all decide to leave, you don't owe the DM and their buddy an explanation. If they are reflective maybe they'll figure it out. Sure it'd be great for the hobby if they grew up a bit, but that isn't anyone's obligation but the offending player and tolerating DM.
Jander Sunstar is the thinking person's Drizzt, fight me.
I would probably depart a group where they were doing this kind of stuff. It's just too out of tone for what I am looking for in a D&D game, and if the DM is in on it, then the tone would not be one I would enjoy. I'd leave.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
My thoughts exactly! Even if I would allow that as a course of action, how do you even begin to run an encounter where part of of one PC's actions are, "I am going to take this object and insert it in the a** of the ogre..."?
I have only played in one game where party members had a serious issue with another party member. The player himself was great, he was just RPing his character in such a way that it seriously detracted from the game. I, as the rogue assassin, made a comment that he might want to change his methods, as he had to sleep sometime... And outside of the game, we talked and told him what he was doing to disrupt things. he agreed to retcon his actions a bit, and it was great after that.
The fact that the object was there in the first place followed by a side quest where the player could use it says to me that the DM was in on it from the start. You should be confronting both the DM and the player. If you are too shy speak to your BF and he should be confronting them on your behalf. If he won’t it’s time to find a new game AND bf. this type of behavior is not acceptable at the vast majority of tables and a bf that won’t support you is no bf.
Wisea$$ DM and Player since 1979.
Indeed, and if that is the case then I can unfortunately say from experience that you're probably unlikely to get very far by talking. If the DM and player are friends then they'll most likely close ranks. If it were me I'd probably just leave and try and find a better group.
Yeah, I didn't pick up on that, and now I'm imagining a more sinister interpretation. Assuming the OP is female, the DM and this player may have planned out this scenario to "test" if the "girl" at the table was going to be "cool" or put a damper on their "fun" by being all "offended".
It's a common tactic abusers use. Test the waters to see your tolerance for abuse and gradually escalate it. It's a way to make sure the only women at their table are there as objects for abuse. Run.
I would leave that group and find another group. That’s behavior that I hate and I don’t participate in it, even when it’s “just a game” which is what that player’s excuse is going to be.
Professional computer geek
Depending on how many players make up the total group, splitting into two groups might be better. 4 players + DM is definitely large enough to run good adventures.
On the one hand I think the first solution is to talk to the player. They're evidently reading the room - or at least two players' reactions - poorly, if at all, so they might not be aware they're making you uncomfortable. If you do bring it up privately and they don't care or get defensive/aggressive, a compromise has to be found: it's either you or them. And while that can be a tough decision to make, especially if you feel like you'd be letting the team down, it's a decision that you have the option of making quietly and without drama, such as your DM publically kicking you out or doing other things to spite you (killing a character, removing loot, putting you through situations that will make you want to leave.) And given this player curries favour with the DM, I'd say they're more likely to remove you than them.
On the other hand, tell everyone at the beginning of your next session what you're uncomfortable with, and ask if things can be changed. If they can't/won't adjust, you can leave and they can continue with their game minus one (or several) player(s). If things don't change after players have said they would, it'll only be harder for both you and the rest of the players to continue when your character vanishes into thin air as you go home.
Whatever you decide to do, nothing can change until you communicate. You've already done well to come to this forum and ask for advice! If you decide not to show up without saying why, the player who has made you uncomfortable won't know what to change and may even double down on it, and if they do change it may be too late until someone from that group asks you to come back. And if that's the kind of game they and other players want to play, that's also fine, but you shouldn't have to suffer through it.
The balance of what is fun for each player is hard to get right, especially when you're new to the game, but this player should easily be able to compromise on their depravity. If they won't, walk away with your head held high knowing you did what you could and that you've not really lost all that much. There'll always be other groups, preferably ones who are less interested in playing a game that clearly favours a single player.
Zero is the most important number in D&D: Session Zero sets the boundaries and the tone; Rule Zero dictates the Dungeon Master (DM) is the final arbiter; and Zero D&D is better than Bad D&D.
"Let us speak plainly now, and in earnest, for words mean little without the weight of conviction."
- The Assemblage of Houses, World of Warcraft
As others have said you'll need to do what makes you comfortable. Something else to consider is whether the group would be willing to implement Safety Tools (Eg: https://goldenlassogames.com/tools). There are other tools out there. These are important as they help keep the game from going to places that are not fun. After all when the spell Dominate Person exists. There needs to be some boundaries. All the best.
I will admit the group I am does weird stuff and some "hanky panky goes on" between characters... but all of that for the most part is PG related... and everyone in our
group is on board with such things.
That being said what happened in the OP's group is seriously wrong... for a variety of reasons (I'm not even making a personal judgement call on the actions themselves, rather all the other issues).
Like others mentioned this sounded planned, do to other people's reactions it didn't sound like the group was okay with it either which means boundaries were never mentioned at the table to begin with, and I could go on for a bit.
The best advice most people can offer in this situation is try to find another group, which while hard in the current environment, because if the DM and a player are friends and since this sounds like a setup, things could only get worse from here.