This got a bit long, I've put a TLDR at the bottom.
I'm a chill, RP-heavy player that really just wants to tell stories and have a fun time with my friends. I'm interested in exploring characters pretty deeply, and don't shy away from angst or heavier topics, but I understand that light-hearted fun is needed to balance that out and I enjoy the heart-warming moments of the party joking around during down time just as much as I enjoy deep, emotional heart-to-hearts between characters.
I've been in about 5 games now. Two of them I left because the party wasn't interested in RP. One was wonderful, but fell apart because of OOC drama. One of them is PBP and ongoing, but too slow to really scratch that character exploration itch. And the last one is also ongoing, but now it has unadressed player drama that's creating tensions within the game and making it uncomfortable for me to play my character as I'd wanted.
I'm starting to get a bit discouraged. Seeing "drama" mentioned as an issue twice with no details has to raise some red flags, but you'll have to take my word that I was not the cause. The stories are long, as most stories of social complications are, and I still respect the people involved so it feels wrong to spill the sordid details out into the vastness of the internet.
I think my age might be a factor in my problems. I'm 22 years old and (while I understand the poor optics of saying this myself) I'm more mature than the average person my age. I didn't have a very stable home life growing up and that tends to force people to mature a bit faster.
With the exception of my play by post game, all of the rest of my campaigns have been found through connections within my existing friend group, so the other players have always been around my age. Their maturity is certainly a factor in these game-breaking drama episodes.
All that said, does anyone have any stories or advice? I'm hoping to gain some perspective here. Has anyone else found the perfect group for them? How hard was it, and how long did it take? Anything I should be doing to help my own efforts?
TLDR: Young, invested RP-heavy player can't find a group that suits their needs. Curious how long it took other people, or if they have any advice.
"Perfect" can be an impossible standard. Generally speaking, the perfect group is going to be one that you have invested the time to grow with. It's fine to want an RP-heavy group, but unless you are recruiting through a theater group, most players are going to have varying levels of comfort or skill in that arena.
Start with "good people", and then learn to play well together. It may take a while, but if you focus on making your sessions fun and comfortable for everyone, the other players will be more inclined to step outside of their comfort zones. There is no rush. Good friends are more important than a quick fix.
If you live in a large city, it should be fairly easy to find groups with a similar focus to you. However, if you live in a smaller city, the pickings are likely to be much more slim.
In the end, if you can't find the right group to play with, you may need to take on the DM mantle yourself. You might be one of 100,000 RP-heavy would-be players in your area, but if none of you step up, none of you are going to be happy. DMing doesn't have to be "Forever".
Honestly, never had a problem finding a group; had three individual players who didn’t mesh well with the group generally, but they were the outliers and the groups all moved more smoothly after they all inevitably dropped for scheduling.
That said, I also only play in groups where I am good friends or family with at least one of the party members, and trust their judgment of character enough to know everyone else in the group likely will be enjoyable to play with.
If that is not an option, the real secret: Dungeon Master. There are lots of folks interested in trying D&D, but not as many interested in DMing. If you are willing to DM, you can curate a party based on friends you think would be interested in playing and who you think would be fun to play with. It involves all the work of DMing, but you can then establish a long-term playgroup, investing in the future when your currently-new players might take up the DMing mantle.
I'm actually looking for online games, so that means I've got a pretty large search radius. Though I do also live in a big city, so I suppose the option of searching for an offline game is there if I ever want it.
As for getting the "right" amount of RP, it's not that I'm uninterested in even trying with people who haven't yet gotten as comfortable with the whole thing as I have. I actually think that trying to draw a less experienced but interested would-be roleplayer out of their shell sounds like fun. And I'm not bothered by having a few people who are completely uninterested in that side of things on the team, either, as long as I can find at least one person to bounce off and none of the other players mind me getting as invested as I do. We all come to the game to have fun, and we all have different ways of doing it. I just want room to do mine without getting in the way of anyone else's fun while I'm at it.
Funny you both should mention DMing myself, as I'm actually working on that one. I have gathered together what I consider to be my "perfect group" and I'm going to run the Wild Beyond the Witchlight module for them as soon as I get a bit more material prepped, and I do think that will be a lot of fun. I'm really looking forward to the characters my friends will come up with and excited to shape a world around them. I'm sure it's going to be very satisfying. But I imagine it will be a bit of a different satisfaction than what I'm looking to get out of a game where I'm a player.
Though on the other hand, I've never DM'd before, so I don't really know. Is collaborative storytelling just as fun from the other side of the DM screen? Does building a world bring the same satisfaction as building a single character and playing them out? I can imagine getting to put characters in situations tailored to them and their backstories, having the power to throw things in their path that could bring them joy or push them towards unique moral quandries, could scratch a similar itch, because you'll still be driving fictional characters towards character development...
Maybe I'm just overthinking this, and I'll be perfectly happy once that new game gets going. Like I said, I just want to tell stories with my friends.
DMing has the potential to be considerably more satisfying than playing, but it is also a lot more work. When a session is over, a player can walk away and clear their mind, whereas a DM will already be planning the next adventure. A published module might only require a few hours of prep, whereas an Open World is never finished.
Every NPC has a story to explore. It's entirely up to you whether the barmaid is just a pair of legs and a catchphrase, or a dynamic member of the world.
Civilizations have emergent personalities, conflict, trauma, and desires, just like the people who comprise them.
Even the land itself has a voice and history that so often goes unlooked.
A DM can experience everything that a player can, and more, on scales ranging from microscopic to cosmic. Your world is your character.
D&D is so much more immersive when you know how and why every blade of grass sways with the wind. Players miss out on the 99% of the world that goes unspoken.
I know what it's like to crave deeper, more meaningful RP and be in a group that isn't into that. It's tough being at a table that isn't clicking with you, your life experience, and your sense of fun. I feel you.
As someone who's been there and eventually found a group that met my needs: don't give up. You don't need the perfect group, because those don't exist, but one day you will find the *right* group.
Is collaborative storytelling just as fun on the DM side? I don't think so. In my very biased opinion, it's better. Watching narratives unfold in ways you didn't expect. Seeing your players' joy, angst, triumph and creativity on display because of situations you've presented. Watching people come together because of a backdrop you're responsible for painting. Being a DM can be incredibly fulfilling in ways being a player can't. (And, as has been mentioned, it's a great way to ensure the people you play with share and appreciate your play style.)
Whoa, those are some glowing reviews if ever I've heard any! Hearing that it's a similar if not greater fulfilment does make me feel better. I know I'm willing to put in the work it needs. And knowing that I'm not the only one who is struggling or has struggled with this helps too, thanks. <3
Thank you both for the eloquent replies and the time I'm sure went into them. I feel a little bad now, like I ended up just moping to some friendly internet strangers and perhaps wasting their time rather than asking any real or useful question. That wasn't my intention. But I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful responses.
I guess I've just gotta keep at it and as long as I stay interested I'll eventually find the right collection of nice people to play this game with. All a matter of time and determination! Hopefully soon I'll have my own game running to give me a creative outlet in the meantime.
Finding the right group for you is the hardest part of playing D&D. Some people get lucky early, and some people have to slog through a bunch of less-than-ideal tables before finding the right one. I'm sorry that you've had the latter experience, but trust me, there is a table out there for you. I've played in a lot of games over more than forty years. Many of them were great, and many of them were.... not. The only way to find the right table is to just keep playing at as many tables as you can. Try online, try your local game store, try recruiting friends, check to see if your school or even your local public library might have a game night that you could sign up for. Back in 2015 I was looking for a new group, and I happened across a game store two towns over that had a weekly D&D night. So I just showed up, sat down at a table with a half dozen total strangers, and we're still going strong.
Sometimes life is like that. Just keep searching. You'll find the right table. And when you do, your prior experiences will make you appreciate them all the more.
TLDR: Young, invested RP-heavy player can't find a group that suits their needs. Curious how long it took other people, or if they have any advice.
I've been playing since 1979. I've played in too many different groups to count.
My advice: if you want to play, learn to play with the people you like and have available. If you keep looking for the perfect group, you'll never play, especially if you DM.
If you can't be flexible with your play style, look for a game that places more emphasis on RP. D&D is not the only TTRPG and many of the others are explicitly designed for more RP. Those games, by their nature, attract people who want more RP.
The worst thing to do is to criticize the way people play or demand they play in the style you prefer. That leads to situations where people decide the group would be perfect without you.
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This got a bit long, I've put a TLDR at the bottom.
I'm a chill, RP-heavy player that really just wants to tell stories and have a fun time with my friends. I'm interested in exploring characters pretty deeply, and don't shy away from angst or heavier topics, but I understand that light-hearted fun is needed to balance that out and I enjoy the heart-warming moments of the party joking around during down time just as much as I enjoy deep, emotional heart-to-hearts between characters.
I've been in about 5 games now. Two of them I left because the party wasn't interested in RP. One was wonderful, but fell apart because of OOC drama. One of them is PBP and ongoing, but too slow to really scratch that character exploration itch. And the last one is also ongoing, but now it has unadressed player drama that's creating tensions within the game and making it uncomfortable for me to play my character as I'd wanted.
I'm starting to get a bit discouraged. Seeing "drama" mentioned as an issue twice with no details has to raise some red flags, but you'll have to take my word that I was not the cause. The stories are long, as most stories of social complications are, and I still respect the people involved so it feels wrong to spill the sordid details out into the vastness of the internet.
I think my age might be a factor in my problems. I'm 22 years old and (while I understand the poor optics of saying this myself) I'm more mature than the average person my age. I didn't have a very stable home life growing up and that tends to force people to mature a bit faster.
With the exception of my play by post game, all of the rest of my campaigns have been found through connections within my existing friend group, so the other players have always been around my age. Their maturity is certainly a factor in these game-breaking drama episodes.
All that said, does anyone have any stories or advice? I'm hoping to gain some perspective here. Has anyone else found the perfect group for them? How hard was it, and how long did it take? Anything I should be doing to help my own efforts?
TLDR: Young, invested RP-heavy player can't find a group that suits their needs. Curious how long it took other people, or if they have any advice.
"Perfect" can be an impossible standard. Generally speaking, the perfect group is going to be one that you have invested the time to grow with. It's fine to want an RP-heavy group, but unless you are recruiting through a theater group, most players are going to have varying levels of comfort or skill in that arena.
Start with "good people", and then learn to play well together. It may take a while, but if you focus on making your sessions fun and comfortable for everyone, the other players will be more inclined to step outside of their comfort zones. There is no rush. Good friends are more important than a quick fix.
If you live in a large city, it should be fairly easy to find groups with a similar focus to you. However, if you live in a smaller city, the pickings are likely to be much more slim.
In the end, if you can't find the right group to play with, you may need to take on the DM mantle yourself. You might be one of 100,000 RP-heavy would-be players in your area, but if none of you step up, none of you are going to be happy. DMing doesn't have to be "Forever".
Honestly, never had a problem finding a group; had three individual players who didn’t mesh well with the group generally, but they were the outliers and the groups all moved more smoothly after they all inevitably dropped for scheduling.
That said, I also only play in groups where I am good friends or family with at least one of the party members, and trust their judgment of character enough to know everyone else in the group likely will be enjoyable to play with.
If that is not an option, the real secret: Dungeon Master. There are lots of folks interested in trying D&D, but not as many interested in DMing. If you are willing to DM, you can curate a party based on friends you think would be interested in playing and who you think would be fun to play with. It involves all the work of DMing, but you can then establish a long-term playgroup, investing in the future when your currently-new players might take up the DMing mantle.
Thank you both for the answers and advice.
I'm actually looking for online games, so that means I've got a pretty large search radius. Though I do also live in a big city, so I suppose the option of searching for an offline game is there if I ever want it.
As for getting the "right" amount of RP, it's not that I'm uninterested in even trying with people who haven't yet gotten as comfortable with the whole thing as I have. I actually think that trying to draw a less experienced but interested would-be roleplayer out of their shell sounds like fun. And I'm not bothered by having a few people who are completely uninterested in that side of things on the team, either, as long as I can find at least one person to bounce off and none of the other players mind me getting as invested as I do. We all come to the game to have fun, and we all have different ways of doing it. I just want room to do mine without getting in the way of anyone else's fun while I'm at it.
Funny you both should mention DMing myself, as I'm actually working on that one. I have gathered together what I consider to be my "perfect group" and I'm going to run the Wild Beyond the Witchlight module for them as soon as I get a bit more material prepped, and I do think that will be a lot of fun. I'm really looking forward to the characters my friends will come up with and excited to shape a world around them. I'm sure it's going to be very satisfying. But I imagine it will be a bit of a different satisfaction than what I'm looking to get out of a game where I'm a player.
Though on the other hand, I've never DM'd before, so I don't really know. Is collaborative storytelling just as fun from the other side of the DM screen? Does building a world bring the same satisfaction as building a single character and playing them out? I can imagine getting to put characters in situations tailored to them and their backstories, having the power to throw things in their path that could bring them joy or push them towards unique moral quandries, could scratch a similar itch, because you'll still be driving fictional characters towards character development...
Maybe I'm just overthinking this, and I'll be perfectly happy once that new game gets going. Like I said, I just want to tell stories with my friends.
DMing has the potential to be considerably more satisfying than playing, but it is also a lot more work. When a session is over, a player can walk away and clear their mind, whereas a DM will already be planning the next adventure. A published module might only require a few hours of prep, whereas an Open World is never finished.
Every NPC has a story to explore. It's entirely up to you whether the barmaid is just a pair of legs and a catchphrase, or a dynamic member of the world.
Civilizations have emergent personalities, conflict, trauma, and desires, just like the people who comprise them.
Even the land itself has a voice and history that so often goes unlooked.
A DM can experience everything that a player can, and more, on scales ranging from microscopic to cosmic. Your world is your character.
D&D is so much more immersive when you know how and why every blade of grass sways with the wind. Players miss out on the 99% of the world that goes unspoken.
I know what it's like to crave deeper, more meaningful RP and be in a group that isn't into that. It's tough being at a table that isn't clicking with you, your life experience, and your sense of fun. I feel you.
As someone who's been there and eventually found a group that met my needs: don't give up. You don't need the perfect group, because those don't exist, but one day you will find the *right* group.
Is collaborative storytelling just as fun on the DM side? I don't think so. In my very biased opinion, it's better. Watching narratives unfold in ways you didn't expect. Seeing your players' joy, angst, triumph and creativity on display because of situations you've presented. Watching people come together because of a backdrop you're responsible for painting. Being a DM can be incredibly fulfilling in ways being a player can't. (And, as has been mentioned, it's a great way to ensure the people you play with share and appreciate your play style.)
Whoa, those are some glowing reviews if ever I've heard any! Hearing that it's a similar if not greater fulfilment does make me feel better. I know I'm willing to put in the work it needs. And knowing that I'm not the only one who is struggling or has struggled with this helps too, thanks. <3
Thank you both for the eloquent replies and the time I'm sure went into them. I feel a little bad now, like I ended up just moping to some friendly internet strangers and perhaps wasting their time rather than asking any real or useful question. That wasn't my intention. But I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful responses.
I guess I've just gotta keep at it and as long as I stay interested I'll eventually find the right collection of nice people to play this game with. All a matter of time and determination! Hopefully soon I'll have my own game running to give me a creative outlet in the meantime.
Finding the right group for you is the hardest part of playing D&D. Some people get lucky early, and some people have to slog through a bunch of less-than-ideal tables before finding the right one. I'm sorry that you've had the latter experience, but trust me, there is a table out there for you. I've played in a lot of games over more than forty years. Many of them were great, and many of them were.... not. The only way to find the right table is to just keep playing at as many tables as you can. Try online, try your local game store, try recruiting friends, check to see if your school or even your local public library might have a game night that you could sign up for. Back in 2015 I was looking for a new group, and I happened across a game store two towns over that had a weekly D&D night. So I just showed up, sat down at a table with a half dozen total strangers, and we're still going strong.
Sometimes life is like that. Just keep searching. You'll find the right table. And when you do, your prior experiences will make you appreciate them all the more.
Anzio Faro. Protector Aasimar light cleric. Lvl 18.
Viktor Gavriil. White dragonborn grave cleric. Lvl 20.
Ikram Sahir ibn-Malik al-Sayyid Ra'ad. Brass dragonborn draconic sorcerer Lvl 9. Fire elemental devil.
Wrangler of cats.
I've been playing since 1979. I've played in too many different groups to count.
My advice: if you want to play, learn to play with the people you like and have available. If you keep looking for the perfect group, you'll never play, especially if you DM.
If you can't be flexible with your play style, look for a game that places more emphasis on RP. D&D is not the only TTRPG and many of the others are explicitly designed for more RP. Those games, by their nature, attract people who want more RP.
The worst thing to do is to criticize the way people play or demand they play in the style you prefer. That leads to situations where people decide the group would be perfect without you.