Hello everyone. I was wondering if anyone could take the time to read a story I am writing based on my dragonborn paladin. It is a full blown story so no short summary of what he  has been through, although I can do that. This isn't for background on a character sheet but I was hoping one that day that I might make some money out of it  😁 Although not finished any feedback right now during the writing process will be most beneficial 

As a bit of background, this is based on a series of sessions me and a friend had planned as an origin story campaign for my character  Alas life intervened a d we only did the one sessions to get the ball rolling. Since then I have been steering the ship myself. Hopefully you will get the premise of the story quickly enough. Any ideas as to where to take it in terms of events will also be appreciated  I am aiming for three Fall of Faith books, the trilogy ending in the final confrontation where the dice will decide the fate of the land. Yes, I have been using dice for tests and fights

Here's the link to the file:

https://1drv.ms/w/s!AlKMI6QfFgThgvle8t2EAoCYF6tSQQ

Thank you kindly 

Separate your dialogue, use proper dialogue tags, and never use exclamation points for any reason what-so-ever. (Follow the show don't tell principle).

You lean heavily on passive voice, but then, sadly, so do I. Just requires a re-read to remove unnecessary passive voice. (Look for "could, would"; "was, had"; and things like that before your verbs.

Whitewash any reference to D&D if you want to try and make money off it.

Emphasizing the "show don't tell" rule.

How to reduce exposition from telling into showing? Basically only tell the reader something in prose when it is opportune because it is known by the character performing some action. Such as:

The air of the Black Marsh was very familiar, almost welcoming. He wandered from pool to pool and tree to tree in the place of his birth.

"He wandered from pool to pool, and tree to tree, taking in the familiar air of Black Marsh."

Then proceed to explain that "he remembered them well from his youth....."

What I'm gathering here is basically don't write in past tense. Seems a bit unusual in my mind considering it is a story but there you go. Was concerned about the whole speech aspect. Never properly written a story myself, only read, and so dialogue and fitting it in is something I will obviously struggle with. Curious about this passive voice phenomena. Either way, thanks guys

Quote from Black_Dragon_Knight_119 >>

What I'm gathering here is basically don't write in past tense. Seems a bit unusual in my mind considering it is a story but there you go. Was concerned about the whole speech aspect. Never properly written a story myself, only read, and so dialogue and fitting it in is something I will obviously struggle with. Curious about this passive voice phenomena. Either way, thanks guys

 Not necessarily. Past tense is fine. Theres an active past tense of a verb and a passive form.

Active: she said, "stuff."

Passive: she had said, "stuff."

It's more complex than just that but if you keep to the rule of thumb of just using the verb to describe the action, then you'll clean it up quite a lot.

Where it creeps in a lot for me, I notice, is when I think of what I want to happen first. Then I think of who I want it to happen to.

Because, what you tend to write in that case is something like: Stuff had been done when so-and-so did it.

Rather than the easier to read: so-and-so did stuff.

Quote from Black_Dragon_Knight_119 >>

What I'm gathering here is basically don't write in past tense. Seems a bit unusual in my mind considering it is a story but there you go. Was concerned about the whole speech aspect. Never properly written a story myself, only read, and so dialogue and fitting it in is something I will obviously struggle with. Curious about this passive voice phenomena. Either way, thanks guys

 Now regarding dialogue.

Start by writing new dialogue on a new line followed by a tag:

"Stuff," was said.

Always make sure the dialogue is in that format.

Everything outside of dialogue is called prose.

Be sure that any prose you do follows the dialogue tag.

"Stuff," was said. Now things happen and I exposition a little.

If you follow this rule if thumb, then when you get some "sea legs" you can do something more complex.

I remember how excited I was the first time I nailed something like:

"Stuff," so-and-so said. They walked around a bit, doing more stuff. "What do you think about this stuff?" They looked over some things. "I think this stuff is good enough."

Notice in the structure it still follows some formats. Those rules of thumb are:

End the first dialogue with one of two tags. Either: "," Tag. Or "?" Tag. End any other dialogue without a tag: "."

Followed by prose related to the preceding dialogue. 

If the prose relates to something else or the NEXT dialogue, consider moving it to it's own line

Where I'm struggling lately is deciding when to do that.

If a single line of prose looks too feeble, then I may keep it with the dialogue, and start the next line of dialogue in the same format.

Each line of dialogue starting the same way is the basic building block of dialogue. Each line for each person speaking. 

Once you get that down, then you can start to do more complex things like multiple paragraphs of dialogue spoken by the same speaker.

What I've noticed, and hated, is all this means that your scene has to be built to match the limitations of syntax. Not the other way around. 

I'm really burned out on my novel (about twice as log as yours so far and is only 50% done) because it was my first attempt at writing, same as you, and a lot of scenes were crafted with no regard to syntax.

The result is they might be difficult to clean up without major changes, who knows, I might have lucked out.

But now when I craft scenes I can clearly see that pitfall and sometimes I want to craft a scene a certain way and the syntax just wont come together right, so I scrap the scene and rewrite it the way the syntax demands.

Syntax is god.

The problem in writing is that syntax takes 10% of the work and scene building is 90%.

So if you try to cram a bad scene into the required syntax, you've just greatly magnified the work you have to put in to sort it all out. 

A bad scene might be: stuff existed, then stuff happened to so-and-so after entering stuff.

Because you're trying to describe a scene, then the actions taking place, then to who its happening to, you've forced yourself to break a lot of those "rules of thumb" I've mentioned.

Instead you could have crafted the scene differently. 

Such as: Someone comes into somewhere, light description of where, and something then happens.

 If it makes you feel. Any better, this is only the first of 3 and it is only about 1/3 done. Right  So far I've got: 

Separate dialogue and clean it up a bjt

More accurate exposition 

Some linearity in scene and action description. Could anyone give me some examples, maybe not from my story, that I could work with to get my bearings?

Thanks guys, keep the feedback coming :) 

Quote from Black_Dragon_Knight_119 >>

 If it makes you feel. Any better, this is only the first of 3 and it is only about 1/3 done. Right  So far I've got: 

Separate dialogue and clean it up a bjt

More accurate exposition 

Some linearity in scene and action description. Could anyone give me some examples, maybe not from my story, that I could work with to get my bearings?

Thanks guys, keep the feedback coming :) 

 I wouldn't mind giving examples as you asked except now isnt the time.

If you want examples of how I write. See my linked chapters in my signature. 

I'll try to give you a more constructive review of what you have written sometime in about 12 hours from now hah.

I know the feels of posting stuff and getting no feedback. 

But Story and Lore isn't very active either.

 I can understand how syntax would cause problems like that. 

So I've got something based on the example formula given earlier 

"There are too many people here," Kriv hissed. The pair pushed on through the markets." Do you think we will find them?" They continued on, past various stalls and vendors. "I hope so. I have precious time to waste."

Once you get around the concept that does make a lot more sense as it goes. Obviously will need to go through the story now and make many amendments to it as a result of this understanding but hopefully they will be for the better

Thank you everyone

Precious little time to waste. Reads better.

Without the word little it seems like Kriv is wanting to waste time.

Also, the syntax is better.  But now watch out for the confusing part of mixing dialogue and questions and multiple characters into one paragraph. 

I cant tell if Kriv is the only one talking or because there's a pair of them the last dialogue is another person in answer to the question.

Hence best to start with single lines of dialogue then build into crafting the paragraph like you did above.

But you're close. You'll get it in no time.

Glad to see I am making progress, always had a bit of a knack for writing so might as well put it to some use. And if I can't or won't be able to make money from it then atleast it is a valuable learning experience. 

I suppose the example would be better if I added an action the other character was doing. So something like this:

"There are too many people here," Kriv hissed. Gunn Garl looked around at the crowd. "Do you think we will find them?" They began to make their way through the market. "I hope so. There is precious little time to waste."

Also gave me an idea for the next step of the journey in the trading post :) 

Quote from Black_Dragon_Knight_119 >>

Glad to see I am making progress, always had a bit of a knack for writing so might as well put it to some use. And if I can't or won't be able to make money from it then atleast it is a valuable learning experience. 

I suppose the example would be better if I added an action the other character was doing. So something like this:

"There are too many people here," Kriv hissed. Gunn Garl looked around at the crowd. "Do you think we will find them?" They began to make their way through the market. "I hope so. There is precious little time to waste."

Also gave me an idea for the next step of the journey in the trading post :) 

 Because Gunn is speaking it has to be another line.

So in that regard I would have 3 lines

The set up

The question 

And then the response

I take it if Kriv was on his own it could be as the prior example as only he is talking?