hey all, sorry in advance if this isn't the correct forum for this kind of question ;;
i am having some problems with a specific player of a game i am dming. these problems are mostly out of character, although they have leaked into the gameplay before, and are honestly mostly popping up in another campaign that i am in with the same group where i am not dming. the problems basically boil down to:
i do not like this person. they make me uncomfortable, i find them difficult to deal with both in character and out of character, and they are really starting to stress me out.
whether this is their fault or mine, i couldn't really say, but i do not know how to approach the situation as a dm. the group is generally speaking fairly close, although i wasn't friends with them before starting this campaign, and i don't want to upset anyone (including this person who i don't like) by being rude about the situation, but i don't think i can proceed with dming them and still be enjoying myself, and i don't think it's fair to anyone for me to be thinking about this person so negatively behind their back.
i've never really had this kind of problem with players before, so i don't know how to approach the situation
I think you should have a conversation without anyone else present. Be fair and honest with what you are feeling. This may be difficult but will resolve this issue with either the player changing, you all finding a compromise or the player leaves. They key to this working out in the most positive fashion is for you to do two things:
1) Come up with a list of the specific behaviors and examples that cause you to feel uncomfortable and why this bothers you. This way you have a thought out list to pull from and not get lost in the midst of the conversation.
2) You 'I' language and not 'you' language. As an example: I am uncomfortable when other players use foul language, bring up X topics etc. You are then making it about how you feel and not accusing them of being at fault. I tend to find this works better and stops the difficult conversation from becoming a 'You are a bad person' disagreement.
Now, they may think your reasons are dumb or may not be things they are willing to work with you to resolve. You are the DM. If you need to remove someone to be comfortable, do it. Now, on your other game, that may be a conversation between you and that DM.
Often the advice on this is "talk to the player." But there is no possible resolution around "I don't like the person." You don't like them, and no conversation you can have with them is going to change that. The moment you raise the issue of "I don't like you," the game is over.
If the reason that you don't like them is that they are annoying, not funny, or something like that - you need to just take it on the chin, accept that the rest of the group don't have the same issue, and not let it spoil your game. Sometimes in life, it's worth taking a minor hit in order to get the rest of the benefits.
However, if the reason is that they make you feel uncomfortable through specific behaviours - impropriety, threatening behaviour, outright rudeness (e.g. anything that would get them sacked in a workplace) then you should talk to the other players. They may all feel the same.
i do not like this person. they make me uncomfortable, i find them difficult to deal with both in character and out of character, and they are really starting to stress me out.
whether this is their fault or mine, i couldn't really say
If you can't say that it's their fault, then it sounds like they're not doing anything binnable. Be really honest with yourself, though: is their behaviour something that would fly in the workplace? It's a good metric to test your feelings against. If they are making you uncomfortablethen that's a big deal.
i do not like this person. they make me uncomfortable, i find them difficult to deal with both in character and out of character, and they are really starting to stress me out.
Objectively, you aren't having a problem with a player. You're having a problem with you. Until you constrain your dislike of a person to an objective and real reason, you dislike them because they are converting oxygen. Also, starting from the position that the other person is the one who needs change may be an incorrect assumption. I would agree that this position is a non-starter and no positive conversation will be had from this approach. Not without a good sized confrontation(argument), that I'm assuming you'd hope to avoid.
whether this is their fault or mine, i couldn't really say, but i do not know how to approach the situation as a dm. the group is generally speaking fairly close, although i wasn't friends with them before starting this campaign, and i don't want to upset anyone (including this person who i don't like) by being rude about the situation, but i don't think i can proceed with dming them and still be enjoying myself, and i don't think it's fair to anyone for me to be thinking about this person so negatively behind their back.
Once you come to terms with what the core problem is on your side, you'll know how to approach the person in a conversation. If you don't want to be rude, then be kind. And, no, nice and kind are *not* the same thing. I'll reinforce the use of "I" statements without singling out the other person as being at fault. And as MCDM has said: "No D&D is better than bad D&D." - Problem Players, Running the Game.
As an aside, there is something that is causing this person's behavior. It could be any number of things from being bored with the game to having a lack of social skills. The spectrum on this is pretty vague at present. Having an unbiased conversation with the other person about what is causing this behavior is key to solving the problem. Keep your conversation focused on problem solving, not finger-pointing, and it should yield better results. Maybe stick to the framing that you need their help solving a problem as an opener for the conversation.
EDIT: Also, you're a DM. Taking your DM-ness to a new table is far easier than finding a table with a DM.
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” - Mark Twain - Innocents Abroad
hey all, I appreciate the advice. I know at this point I am going to need to have a conversation with them, and I also know that I am not the only one with the problems with their behavior, but i know there are several members who have no problems with it.
the primary issue I'm dealing with is that their behavior is problematic, but I am not sure if I'm just reading too far into it/letting my own negative experiences color my judgement of them. from my perspective they're regularly disrespecting me and the other dm ooc, trying to control the games narrative, generally being very argumentative when we make calls ooc; as an example, they've asked for a feat and a rework of their subclass because they don't feel their character is as powerful as the rest of the party, which I can understand... or could if a number of concessions weren't already made to try to make this character fun for them to play (they already got a feat, a magic item was homebrewed for them that they just didn't get, and the arc were currently on js focused on their backstory). it just comes across as main-character syndrome and I don't know how to deal with that, especially given how good the rest of my players are about it
I don't think what they're asking for is so much the problem as how they're asking for it; they regularly make me feel as though I am the problem, and it often feels as though they approach talking with me about the game very aggressively rather than constructively, which doesn't make me want to work with them
part of the problem is definitely that most of this interaction happens in dms (we are an exclusively digital group), so I am the only one who really sees it regularly besides the other dm (it is something we've discussed both having a problem with, and she honestly has it worse than me, since she's a bit of a pushover).
I'll definitely try reaching out to them and trying to open up a discussion on the problems I'm having. "I" statements are definitely the way to go to make sure they don't feel like I'm attacking them, which is definitely not the goal, but yeah there also just isn't a great way to say "I'm worried about working together in the campaign because I have a personal problem with you"
Sometimes you just don't get along with someone. If that's the case, you need to stop playing with them. Yes, that may mean giving up your D&D group that you both play in. You can just bail out of a D&D group citing "no time to play" or something to spare everyone's feelings.
For the one you are DMing, well, that is going to be a lot harder to do without offending anyone. If you boot a player you kind of need a reason, and "I don't like you" is not a very nice reason to have. Realistically, though, DMing with someone you dislike is not pleasant, and I would not do it myself. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to approach it in a way that won't cause offense. Again, you're easy, non-confrontational "out" is just to say you don't have time to DM anymore.
Here, after a while, you could potentially approach the other players one by one, maybe some months down the line, and say, "Hey, I might want to start up a campaign again, I think I have time now, are you interested?" and just, well... not invite... the person in question.
Whether that will work, I don't really know... one of the others might tell him or even try to invite him and you are back to square one.
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WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
After reading the responses, there may be another issue involved.
If the player in question needs concessions from the DM or other things to make his character feel important/special perhaps he is trying to "WIN" D&D. This is a different (IMHO) thing than powergaming. Being well kitted out and honed to do the thing that your PC does can still lead to cooperative play. I'm suggesting that he wants to show up everyone at the table, DM included. He seems willing to bully others to make his PC the undisputed best and feels good doing it. Belittling others and being disrespected, in or out of game is not worth putting up with.
If this is the case it may or may not help your cause to explain to the WHOLE group the cooperative nature of the game and the spotlight sharing theory of game play. Explain the table rules of mutual respect and the proper way to comport themselves in and out of the game that you are present in.
If this turns out not to be the issue or doesn't produce lasting results then I would agree with the others that say cut this person loose. Remove him or yourself from the game.
How to do this yo might ask? Take away the boons/concessions that were given to him in the first place. When he is back to the same power level as everyone else then one of two things will happen after much griping. Either he will participate as an equal member or he will leave the table. Either result is a win for you.
We experienced something similar, but it was a clan in a another game we used to play. I don't think this problem is exclusive to D&D. One guy, who just brought a negative feeling to the entire experience. He used to shut down any other suggestions, just had to have it his way and spoke to everyone in a derogatory manner. Most of us used to hope that he wouldn't log in, and if he didn't - you could tell. The clan leader couldn't work up the courage to get rid of him and in the end he broke up the clan, I'm talking around thirty people. People just got sick of him and left, and when your favourite clan buddies leave so do you eventually. If the clan leader would have plucked up the courage and kicked him from the clan, inevitably some members would have left but I imagine most would have stayed.
"...from my perspective they're regularly disrespecting me and the other dm ooc, trying to control the games narrative, generally being very argumentative when we make calls ooc..." Personally i would call him out in front of everyone when he does it, stay cool, stay collected, "Hey, you don't need to speak to me like that", "Let the DM do her thing, quit trying to control the narrative", "Sorry, I'm not being nasty or anything, but who put you in charge - this is a group decision". Allowing things like this to happen from the first day is going to set the tone for the experience thereafter, and the longer it goes on - the harder it will be to settle it.
Personally if this doesn't work, I would kick him from the group you are DM'ing, tell him why and that the decision is final - explain it to the other members privately and hope they stay. Speak to the DM in the other group, mentioning that you are thinking about leaving - and explain why, it may give her the courage to do something (unlikely, otherwise she would have already done it) - if not, leave and find another group. Don't put yourself under such stress, you may eventually find a group that you can really bond with.
Oh, and another thing - you sound like a nice person - let me know if any spaces open up in your campaign.
hey all, I appreciate the advice. I know at this point I am going to need to have a conversation with them, and I also know that I am not the only one with the problems with their behavior, but i know there are several members who have no problems with it.
Speaking as a consensus generally leads to a stronger position. The person that you are having a conversation with may be more inclined to listen if the idea comes from several different people. Conversely, they could also take this as you ganging up on them if they are the sort to take things personally. Talk to the rest of the table independent of this person. If one person says they have a problem with a person, generally there are six more that have a problem with that same person, but just aren't saying anything.
the primary issue I'm dealing with is that their behavior is problematic, but I am not sure if I'm just reading too far into it/letting my own negative experiences color my judgement of them. from my perspective they're regularly disrespecting me and the other dm ooc, trying to control the games narrative, generally being very argumentative when we make calls ooc; as an example, they've asked for a feat and a rework of their subclass because they don't feel their character is as powerful as the rest of the party, which I can understand... or could if a number of concessions weren't already made to try to make this character fun for them to play (they already got a feat, a magic item was homebrewed for them that they just didn't get, and the arc were currently on js focused on their backstory). it just comes across as main-character syndrome and I don't know how to deal with that, especially given how good the rest of my players are about it
I'm a fan of trying to satisfy the customer here, but when do you even the playing field with your other players? From this narrative, you've bent the game to the whim of one player. What happens if, for example, you were to offer the same concessions to the rest of the party at the table? Would the power creep of the party be skewed so badly that you would have to 'brew all your monsters to be able to withstand the party walking in the front door? It's been suggested here that this player is trying to "Win" D&D. The picture that you paint is one of a toddler throwing a tantrum because they didn't get the right color kitten for their birthday. I might be tempted to treat them that way. - Strike 1
I don't think what they're asking for is so much the problem as how they're asking for it; they regularly make me feel as though I am the problem, and it often feels as though they approach talking with me about the game very aggressively rather than constructively, which doesn't make me want to work with them
Aggressively, like demanding that you fix something or they go talk to the manager or more like the proverbial (or maybe literal) in-your-face tactic to bully you? - Strike 2.5
part of the problem is definitely that most of this interaction happens in dms (we are an exclusively digital group), so I am the only one who really sees it regularly besides the other dm (it is something we've discussed both having a problem with, and she honestly has it worse than me, since she's a bit of a pushover).
Won't air their grievances publicly because they fear(maybe know) that what they are asking for is unfair? - Bye!
I'll definitely try reaching out to them and trying to open up a discussion on the problems I'm having. "I" statements are definitely the way to go to make sure they don't feel like I'm attacking them, which is definitely not the goal, but yeah there also just isn't a great way to say "I'm worried about working together in the campaign because I have a personal problem with you"
I apologize if I sound a bit gruff in my responses, it's not intended to be felt by you OP. You've already answered your own post. Just accept that you've got your answer and you know what needs to be done. You can have a conversation as a DM (not personally, but from an objective standpoint) and pinpoint what it is the person is doing that merits being removed from the group. Frame your conversation from the perspective that you need their help solving this problem. Give them a chance to fix themselves after the talk? - I'm not so sure.... The possibility exists (however slim it might be) that this person is ignorant of their effect on the group. Telling them what they are doing and how it effects others may be doing them a kindness. They could lack the social awareness of others.
Last point and I'll hop off my soapbox. You've stated that you have a personal problem with this person. Set it aside for now. Don't toss it in the bin, but maybe put it on a shelf in the pantry. You're the DM here, be the better person.
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” - Mark Twain - Innocents Abroad
I'm going to go ahead and disagree on the whole "you should talk to him about it" thing. This advice is generally for people who have an issue with something a person is doing in their game, it's not for a general "dislike" of an individual. What you are saying is, I don't like this person... period... (in or out of game), they make you uncomfortable and you don't want to be around them. That has nothing to do with D&D and won't be fixed by some sort of DM to player compromise.
The reasons for the "dislike" were explained in post #6.
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hey all, sorry in advance if this isn't the correct forum for this kind of question ;;
i am having some problems with a specific player of a game i am dming. these problems are mostly out of character, although they have leaked into the gameplay before, and are honestly mostly popping up in another campaign that i am in with the same group where i am not dming. the problems basically boil down to:
i do not like this person. they make me uncomfortable, i find them difficult to deal with both in character and out of character, and they are really starting to stress me out.
whether this is their fault or mine, i couldn't really say, but i do not know how to approach the situation as a dm. the group is generally speaking fairly close, although i wasn't friends with them before starting this campaign, and i don't want to upset anyone (including this person who i don't like) by being rude about the situation, but i don't think i can proceed with dming them and still be enjoying myself, and i don't think it's fair to anyone for me to be thinking about this person so negatively behind their back.
i've never really had this kind of problem with players before, so i don't know how to approach the situation
I think you should have a conversation without anyone else present. Be fair and honest with what you are feeling. This may be difficult but will resolve this issue with either the player changing, you all finding a compromise or the player leaves. They key to this working out in the most positive fashion is for you to do two things:
1) Come up with a list of the specific behaviors and examples that cause you to feel uncomfortable and why this bothers you. This way you have a thought out list to pull from and not get lost in the midst of the conversation.
2) You 'I' language and not 'you' language. As an example: I am uncomfortable when other players use foul language, bring up X topics etc. You are then making it about how you feel and not accusing them of being at fault. I tend to find this works better and stops the difficult conversation from becoming a 'You are a bad person' disagreement.
Now, they may think your reasons are dumb or may not be things they are willing to work with you to resolve. You are the DM. If you need to remove someone to be comfortable, do it. Now, on your other game, that may be a conversation between you and that DM.
Often the advice on this is "talk to the player." But there is no possible resolution around "I don't like the person." You don't like them, and no conversation you can have with them is going to change that. The moment you raise the issue of "I don't like you," the game is over.
If the reason that you don't like them is that they are annoying, not funny, or something like that - you need to just take it on the chin, accept that the rest of the group don't have the same issue, and not let it spoil your game. Sometimes in life, it's worth taking a minor hit in order to get the rest of the benefits.
However, if the reason is that they make you feel uncomfortable through specific behaviours - impropriety, threatening behaviour, outright rudeness (e.g. anything that would get them sacked in a workplace) then you should talk to the other players. They may all feel the same.
If you can't say that it's their fault, then it sounds like they're not doing anything binnable. Be really honest with yourself, though: is their behaviour something that would fly in the workplace? It's a good metric to test your feelings against. If they are making you uncomfortable then that's a big deal.
Can you describe what makes you uncomfortable?
Life is too short to play DnD with people you don't like. If you keep looking, you will find your people. And it will be worth it.
Objectively, you aren't having a problem with a player. You're having a problem with you. Until you constrain your dislike of a person to an objective and real reason, you dislike them because they are converting oxygen. Also, starting from the position that the other person is the one who needs change may be an incorrect assumption. I would agree that this position is a non-starter and no positive conversation will be had from this approach. Not without a good sized confrontation(argument), that I'm assuming you'd hope to avoid.
Once you come to terms with what the core problem is on your side, you'll know how to approach the person in a conversation. If you don't want to be rude, then be kind. And, no, nice and kind are *not* the same thing. I'll reinforce the use of "I" statements without singling out the other person as being at fault. And as MCDM has said: "No D&D is better than bad D&D." - Problem Players, Running the Game.
As an aside, there is something that is causing this person's behavior. It could be any number of things from being bored with the game to having a lack of social skills. The spectrum on this is pretty vague at present. Having an unbiased conversation with the other person about what is causing this behavior is key to solving the problem. Keep your conversation focused on problem solving, not finger-pointing, and it should yield better results. Maybe stick to the framing that you need their help solving a problem as an opener for the conversation.
EDIT: Also, you're a DM. Taking your DM-ness to a new table is far easier than finding a table with a DM.
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” - Mark Twain - Innocents Abroad
hey all, I appreciate the advice. I know at this point I am going to need to have a conversation with them, and I also know that I am not the only one with the problems with their behavior, but i know there are several members who have no problems with it.
the primary issue I'm dealing with is that their behavior is problematic, but I am not sure if I'm just reading too far into it/letting my own negative experiences color my judgement of them. from my perspective they're regularly disrespecting me and the other dm ooc, trying to control the games narrative, generally being very argumentative when we make calls ooc; as an example, they've asked for a feat and a rework of their subclass because they don't feel their character is as powerful as the rest of the party, which I can understand... or could if a number of concessions weren't already made to try to make this character fun for them to play (they already got a feat, a magic item was homebrewed for them that they just didn't get, and the arc were currently on js focused on their backstory). it just comes across as main-character syndrome and I don't know how to deal with that, especially given how good the rest of my players are about it
I don't think what they're asking for is so much the problem as how they're asking for it; they regularly make me feel as though I am the problem, and it often feels as though they approach talking with me about the game very aggressively rather than constructively, which doesn't make me want to work with them
part of the problem is definitely that most of this interaction happens in dms (we are an exclusively digital group), so I am the only one who really sees it regularly besides the other dm (it is something we've discussed both having a problem with, and she honestly has it worse than me, since she's a bit of a pushover).
I'll definitely try reaching out to them and trying to open up a discussion on the problems I'm having. "I" statements are definitely the way to go to make sure they don't feel like I'm attacking them, which is definitely not the goal, but yeah there also just isn't a great way to say "I'm worried about working together in the campaign because I have a personal problem with you"
Sometimes you just don't get along with someone. If that's the case, you need to stop playing with them. Yes, that may mean giving up your D&D group that you both play in. You can just bail out of a D&D group citing "no time to play" or something to spare everyone's feelings.
For the one you are DMing, well, that is going to be a lot harder to do without offending anyone. If you boot a player you kind of need a reason, and "I don't like you" is not a very nice reason to have. Realistically, though, DMing with someone you dislike is not pleasant, and I would not do it myself. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to approach it in a way that won't cause offense. Again, you're easy, non-confrontational "out" is just to say you don't have time to DM anymore.
Here, after a while, you could potentially approach the other players one by one, maybe some months down the line, and say, "Hey, I might want to start up a campaign again, I think I have time now, are you interested?" and just, well... not invite... the person in question.
Whether that will work, I don't really know... one of the others might tell him or even try to invite him and you are back to square one.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
After reading the responses, there may be another issue involved.
If the player in question needs concessions from the DM or other things to make his character feel important/special perhaps he is trying to "WIN" D&D. This is a different (IMHO) thing than powergaming. Being well kitted out and honed to do the thing that your PC does can still lead to cooperative play. I'm suggesting that he wants to show up everyone at the table, DM included. He seems willing to bully others to make his PC the undisputed best and feels good doing it. Belittling others and being disrespected, in or out of game is not worth putting up with.
If this is the case it may or may not help your cause to explain to the WHOLE group the cooperative nature of the game and the spotlight sharing theory of game play. Explain the table rules of mutual respect and the proper way to comport themselves in and out of the game that you are present in.
If this turns out not to be the issue or doesn't produce lasting results then I would agree with the others that say cut this person loose. Remove him or yourself from the game.
How to do this yo might ask? Take away the boons/concessions that were given to him in the first place. When he is back to the same power level as everyone else then one of two things will happen after much griping. Either he will participate as an equal member or he will leave the table. Either result is a win for you.
We experienced something similar, but it was a clan in a another game we used to play. I don't think this problem is exclusive to D&D.
One guy, who just brought a negative feeling to the entire experience. He used to shut down any other suggestions, just had to have it his way and spoke to everyone in a derogatory manner. Most of us used to hope that he wouldn't log in, and if he didn't - you could tell.
The clan leader couldn't work up the courage to get rid of him and in the end he broke up the clan, I'm talking around thirty people. People just got sick of him and left, and when your favourite clan buddies leave so do you eventually.
If the clan leader would have plucked up the courage and kicked him from the clan, inevitably some members would have left but I imagine most would have stayed.
"...from my perspective they're regularly disrespecting me and the other dm ooc, trying to control the games narrative, generally being very argumentative when we make calls ooc..."
Personally i would call him out in front of everyone when he does it, stay cool, stay collected, "Hey, you don't need to speak to me like that", "Let the DM do her thing, quit trying to control the narrative", "Sorry, I'm not being nasty or anything, but who put you in charge - this is a group decision". Allowing things like this to happen from the first day is going to set the tone for the experience thereafter, and the longer it goes on - the harder it will be to settle it.
Personally if this doesn't work, I would kick him from the group you are DM'ing, tell him why and that the decision is final - explain it to the other members privately and hope they stay. Speak to the DM in the other group, mentioning that you are thinking about leaving - and explain why, it may give her the courage to do something (unlikely, otherwise she would have already done it) - if not, leave and find another group. Don't put yourself under such stress, you may eventually find a group that you can really bond with.
Oh, and another thing - you sound like a nice person - let me know if any spaces open up in your campaign.
Speaking as a consensus generally leads to a stronger position. The person that you are having a conversation with may be more inclined to listen if the idea comes from several different people. Conversely, they could also take this as you ganging up on them if they are the sort to take things personally. Talk to the rest of the table independent of this person. If one person says they have a problem with a person, generally there are six more that have a problem with that same person, but just aren't saying anything.
I'm a fan of trying to satisfy the customer here, but when do you even the playing field with your other players? From this narrative, you've bent the game to the whim of one player. What happens if, for example, you were to offer the same concessions to the rest of the party at the table? Would the power creep of the party be skewed so badly that you would have to 'brew all your monsters to be able to withstand the party walking in the front door? It's been suggested here that this player is trying to "Win" D&D. The picture that you paint is one of a toddler throwing a tantrum because they didn't get the right color kitten for their birthday. I might be tempted to treat them that way. - Strike 1
Aggressively, like demanding that you fix something or they go talk to the manager or more like the proverbial (or maybe literal) in-your-face tactic to bully you? - Strike 2.5
Won't air their grievances publicly because they fear(maybe know) that what they are asking for is unfair? - Bye!
I apologize if I sound a bit gruff in my responses, it's not intended to be felt by you OP. You've already answered your own post. Just accept that you've got your answer and you know what needs to be done. You can have a conversation as a DM (not personally, but from an objective standpoint) and pinpoint what it is the person is doing that merits being removed from the group. Frame your conversation from the perspective that you need their help solving this problem. Give them a chance to fix themselves after the talk? - I'm not so sure.... The possibility exists (however slim it might be) that this person is ignorant of their effect on the group. Telling them what they are doing and how it effects others may be doing them a kindness. They could lack the social awareness of others.
Last point and I'll hop off my soapbox. You've stated that you have a personal problem with this person. Set it aside for now. Don't toss it in the bin, but maybe put it on a shelf in the pantry. You're the DM here, be the better person.
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” - Mark Twain - Innocents Abroad
The reasons for the "dislike" were explained in post #6.