The thing is, despite what anyone here says, you already have the answer. This is a game that requires communication and social compact. If you are uncomfortable doing this, you need to say so to her, in private, before the game begins.
However, do not outright tell her you won't do it at all. See, instead, if you can get her to comprise on this character. I've had player's that make a certain NPC for their story that have turned out useful, but it has to come back to campaign quests or mechanical sensibility. Tell her she can have this NPC with the Criminal background, and that he can be her contact. Ask her if she can dial it back to making her NPC less important (perhaps an old flame instead of current lover) so she and the other players can shine. See if she can get it in her head that the group story is the emphasis of your game, not her individual fanfic-esque character arch.
After a while, maybe the story will develop where she gets in trouble with her own assassin's guild and this NPC become a more important character, acting as a direct informant or running from the guild just the same. Maybe by then a romantic subplot will feel natural and make sense in and out of character, but until then she has to know that NPC's, just like all the not main characters in a book, help drive the plot of the main story. If her NPC deviates from that, it's a no go.
I like the idea of players telling me what they want, D&D is a story biased game . Now you can allow said npc but remind the player that said npc isn't immortal if certain actions happen in the world he can die.
However in the end it's your game too, if you don't want to do it , then don't you can ask to make it a one siding thing when she is in love with him and he just doesn't notice it ( Typical notice me senpai stuff) That way way WAY down the line near the end of the story if he lives that long he can start a relationship with her then just time jump and let her fill in her story.
Make the NPC. Then have some minions of the Big Bad attack the village and kill the NPC. Drop clues about who did it. Bam, story transformed from romance fanfic into the start of a vengeance tale.
There's a less nasty answer:
Remind her that she controls her character, not the rest of the world. She can write her character backstory that she wants, her character can be in love with an NPC or whatever. But she doesn't control the rest of the game world. She doesn't get to create NPCs in this world or say what they do; that's the DM's role.
Anyway, I guess my question is what kind of boundaries should I be setting out for my friend? How far should I let player creativity go, and when does it get to a point where I have to step in and say "Yeah, no, you can't do that. Next option."
I am of the mind that the DM should be as open and accommodating to player creativity as they can stand to be, only saying "Nah, not gonna happen" when allowing a thing would negatively impact the enjoyment level of someone else participating in the game.
In your specific case, that means telling your friend that you aren't comfortable portraying her character's love interest.
I am also of the mind that a group should be open and honest, and talk out what they want in their game play and what they don't want, covering every potentially uncomfortable topic that can be thought up by the group so that the chances of someone getting a sudden and unexpected dose of something they don't want to experience while playing a game are as small as possible. As an example, my group talked out these things, and arrived at the following short list of things which are never going to be a part of any of our campaigns: sexual violence, hate crimes against anything even vaguely like a real people, romantic scenes other than those which fade to black before any details are confirmed, or any description of torture more elaborate than "they torture you" or "they have clearly been tortured". Oh, and no societies or cultures in which a particular sort of person is treated as not a person (i.e. slavery is legal, or women can't own property, a sentient species is considered kill-on-sight, that sort of thing) can be presented as good- or neutral-aligned.
1) Is this normal? Yes. It actually is fairly normal. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most DMs will ask characters to have something like this in their backstory that they can play with. This NPC romances, former allies turned enemies, someone who might have a competing claim of loyalty or service over your character that can be called on. Here's the key though, the back-story is the BACK-story. This is what happened, years ago, that shaped your character. It is not a christmas list. You don't get to write a backstory that says "and then I found a magic +8 longbow and conjured a flying bear" and now your level 2 character has a +8 longbow and a flying bear. Maybe he had that at one time, but he doesn't have it anymore. NOW shes a blacksmith... so if she wants an NPC romance thing in her backstory, that's fine, but if you decide that he's actually working for the big-bad of the story, and is a spy among their ranks, or if you decide that he's been kidknapped, or he was killed, or he was cursed, or whatever, that is totally within your power as DM.
1b) A good back story answers the following questions: What motivates your character? What kind of life have they lived? Why are they the alignment that they are (what shaped them?) What is something that your character feels strongly about? What is your character most afraid of? How did they come to be (wherever and whatever they are?) Describe an event that "haunts" your character, or otherwise remains on his mind.
2) I don't want to do it. I really, really, don't want to do it. Then don't do it. Maybe, maybe, your friend can conscript one of the other PC's to be the old flame in her backstory. Offer it up at the table. If NOBODY wants to do it, then see 1 for other options. IMO you need a darn good reason to keep a permanent NPC hanging around the group. Me, personally, I'd probably home-brew my own character class and try to merge her NPC into her main character ala a ranger's companion, rather than inflicting a long-term non-plot-relavant NPC on myself for the next bajillion years.
3) Playing favorites. Don't do it. No. Bad.
4) Romance and DnD. Again, I personally have no problem with romance and DnD. Taylor it to your audience, if her brother is 9, don't go all XXX rated on them, but, yeah, there is nothing wrong with it, per say, assuming that the type of campaign you are running is a single-city/ politics/ intrigue/ whatever type of campaign. There obviously won't be very much time for it in a save the world /dungeon crawl /run for your life type campaign. Again see 1 for ideas in how to make a romantic attachment plot relevant, and not extraneous.
4b) as a part of 4, it is imperative that, when you begin a campaign, you and your players are all on the same page. If your players are willing to play a politics/intrigue campaign, and you are willing to DM one, then that's great... however, if there is no reasonable way to work this love interest into the campaign because it's going to be taking places 1000 miles away from your start city, and may transition to another plane of existence at some point, well, then that is something your players need to understand BEFORE they write their backstories. Give them some clues as to the topic and genre of the campaign. This helps improve the correlation between backstory and main story. Generally speaking, I might even go so far as to write up 10 or so plot hooks myself that I KNOW that I can play around with, and ask the players to each pick a few at random, and then select one which they would like to keep.
when does it get to a point where I have to step in and say "Yeah, no, you can't do that. Next option."
As others mentioned: you have your answer. As to how to tell her: "Yeah, no, I'm not going there" seems fine. Keep it short.
My own method for handling this is typically something like: "Ok, you have an excellent evening, but for obvious reasons I'm not going roleplay or detail it. Next player: how do you spend your evening in town?"
What boundaries to set are up to you. It doesn't matter if this is typical or weird; your goal should be to have fun with your players, and you can do that on your own terms.
At the very least I'd try to humor her request. Set some expectations - explain that she can't hog the spotlight since this is a group game, that you expect the interactions to stay PG, that the NPC isn't going to be there all the time, whatever you need to make your game work smoothly.
You don't need to make this a prominent part of your sessions; little nods here and there will go a long way. If your campaign has a home base town that the party returns to frequently, you could make the NPC a member of an assassin's guild that her character does side jobs for. Or perhaps he's a member of a rival adventuring party (Xanathar's Guide to Everything has some interesting ideas revolving around this.) Treat it like any other NPC that the party crosses paths with every now and then. Let them have a few moments of banter and keep things moving. If the party has some downtime you can say they spend some time together and leave it up to her to come up with the details between sessions. By spacing out the interactions between them you both avoid this bogging down your game, and build up anticipation for the next encounter.
You have a player with a lot of enthusiasm for playing and that's deeply invested into the storytelling aspect of the game. Don't let that go to waste.
Others say this better than me, but I'd be very careful about players with excessive back stories unless you, as a DM, have specifically encouraged their creation.
In most games I've run there's always one or two 'special snowflakes'; players who come up with convoluted back stories. On paper it's not a bad thing. The player is trying hard and obviously invested in their character. The problem is it's often a demand that you focus on THEIR character at the expensive of the player who rolled a 1st level halfling thief 'looking for some loot' or the dwarven warrior who 'enjoys drinking and a good brawl'. And that is very very bad as it can cause a weird dynamic in the group (among other things).
In general, if I start a campaign I make sure the players understand the kind of backgrounds I'm looking for and usually try and get the players to roll up characters together and explain how they know each other. Most of the times the npcs players create aren't going to play much of a role in the campaign; the other players are. It's far more important that the players begin as friends/rivals/siblings/shipmates or whatever and have reasons to stay together than a random hot elf appears occasionally and flirts with your player. It's also important because it encourages players to fit into rolls. (you mentioned she wants to play an overpowered character who can do everything - which leaves little for her brother to actually do. They'll have far more fun if each has an area they're specialized in and learn to work together to overcome problems).
If I ever have players who REALLY want odd backstories I tend to be very genie like and obey the utter letter of the description. In one campaign a player announced he was the moody son of a fallen noble who'd been accused of crimes by the character's mother and was sentenced to death. The player had sworn to avenge his father and punish his mother in a very Hamlet sort of way. However he never actually told me that his father was innocent.... So was shocked later on in the game to find that he'd spent his adult life trying to avenge a monstrous villain and had actually betrayed the rest of the party doing so. Led to some great roleplaying. Stuff like that can let players know that using backstory to gain an advantage doesn't... always work out the way they assumed. A player can describe an event - but its up to you, the DM, to decide how it actually played out.
Lastly, if you're uncomfortable with a situation like this just tell her. Nothing wrong with saying 'yeahhhh. No. Sorry. I don't think I can handle this.'
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The thing is, despite what anyone here says, you already have the answer. This is a game that requires communication and social compact. If you are uncomfortable doing this, you need to say so to her, in private, before the game begins.
However, do not outright tell her you won't do it at all. See, instead, if you can get her to comprise on this character. I've had player's that make a certain NPC for their story that have turned out useful, but it has to come back to campaign quests or mechanical sensibility. Tell her she can have this NPC with the Criminal background, and that he can be her contact. Ask her if she can dial it back to making her NPC less important (perhaps an old flame instead of current lover) so she and the other players can shine. See if she can get it in her head that the group story is the emphasis of your game, not her individual fanfic-esque character arch.
After a while, maybe the story will develop where she gets in trouble with her own assassin's guild and this NPC become a more important character, acting as a direct informant or running from the guild just the same. Maybe by then a romantic subplot will feel natural and make sense in and out of character, but until then she has to know that NPC's, just like all the not main characters in a book, help drive the plot of the main story. If her NPC deviates from that, it's a no go.
#OpenDnD. #DnDBegone
I like the idea of players telling me what they want, D&D is a story biased game . Now you can allow said npc but remind the player that said npc isn't immortal if certain actions happen in the world he can die.
However in the end it's your game too, if you don't want to do it , then don't you can ask to make it a one siding thing when she is in love with him and he just doesn't notice it ( Typical notice me senpai stuff) That way way WAY down the line near the end of the story if he lives that long he can start a relationship with her then just time jump and let her fill in her story.
There's a very trollish answer...
Make the NPC. Then have some minions of the Big Bad attack the village and kill the NPC. Drop clues about who did it. Bam, story transformed from romance fanfic into the start of a vengeance tale.
There's a less nasty answer:
Remind her that she controls her character, not the rest of the world. She can write her character backstory that she wants, her character can be in love with an NPC or whatever. But she doesn't control the rest of the game world. She doesn't get to create NPCs in this world or say what they do; that's the DM's role.
So, I see 4 questions here:
1) Is this normal? Yes. It actually is fairly normal. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most DMs will ask characters to have something like this in their backstory that they can play with. This NPC romances, former allies turned enemies, someone who might have a competing claim of loyalty or service over your character that can be called on. Here's the key though, the back-story is the BACK-story. This is what happened, years ago, that shaped your character. It is not a christmas list. You don't get to write a backstory that says "and then I found a magic +8 longbow and conjured a flying bear" and now your level 2 character has a +8 longbow and a flying bear. Maybe he had that at one time, but he doesn't have it anymore. NOW shes a blacksmith... so if she wants an NPC romance thing in her backstory, that's fine, but if you decide that he's actually working for the big-bad of the story, and is a spy among their ranks, or if you decide that he's been kidknapped, or he was killed, or he was cursed, or whatever, that is totally within your power as DM.
1b) A good back story answers the following questions: What motivates your character? What kind of life have they lived? Why are they the alignment that they are (what shaped them?) What is something that your character feels strongly about? What is your character most afraid of? How did they come to be (wherever and whatever they are?) Describe an event that "haunts" your character, or otherwise remains on his mind.
2) I don't want to do it. I really, really, don't want to do it. Then don't do it. Maybe, maybe, your friend can conscript one of the other PC's to be the old flame in her backstory. Offer it up at the table. If NOBODY wants to do it, then see 1 for other options. IMO you need a darn good reason to keep a permanent NPC hanging around the group. Me, personally, I'd probably home-brew my own character class and try to merge her NPC into her main character ala a ranger's companion, rather than inflicting a long-term non-plot-relavant NPC on myself for the next bajillion years.
3) Playing favorites. Don't do it. No. Bad.
4) Romance and DnD. Again, I personally have no problem with romance and DnD. Taylor it to your audience, if her brother is 9, don't go all XXX rated on them, but, yeah, there is nothing wrong with it, per say, assuming that the type of campaign you are running is a single-city/ politics/ intrigue/ whatever type of campaign. There obviously won't be very much time for it in a save the world /dungeon crawl /run for your life type campaign. Again see 1 for ideas in how to make a romantic attachment plot relevant, and not extraneous.
4b) as a part of 4, it is imperative that, when you begin a campaign, you and your players are all on the same page. If your players are willing to play a politics/intrigue campaign, and you are willing to DM one, then that's great... however, if there is no reasonable way to work this love interest into the campaign because it's going to be taking places 1000 miles away from your start city, and may transition to another plane of existence at some point, well, then that is something your players need to understand BEFORE they write their backstories. Give them some clues as to the topic and genre of the campaign. This helps improve the correlation between backstory and main story. Generally speaking, I might even go so far as to write up 10 or so plot hooks myself that I KNOW that I can play around with, and ask the players to each pick a few at random, and then select one which they would like to keep.
What boundaries to set are up to you. It doesn't matter if this is typical or weird; your goal should be to have fun with your players, and you can do that on your own terms.
At the very least I'd try to humor her request. Set some expectations - explain that she can't hog the spotlight since this is a group game, that you expect the interactions to stay PG, that the NPC isn't going to be there all the time, whatever you need to make your game work smoothly.
You don't need to make this a prominent part of your sessions; little nods here and there will go a long way. If your campaign has a home base town that the party returns to frequently, you could make the NPC a member of an assassin's guild that her character does side jobs for. Or perhaps he's a member of a rival adventuring party (Xanathar's Guide to Everything has some interesting ideas revolving around this.) Treat it like any other NPC that the party crosses paths with every now and then. Let them have a few moments of banter and keep things moving. If the party has some downtime you can say they spend some time together and leave it up to her to come up with the details between sessions. By spacing out the interactions between them you both avoid this bogging down your game, and build up anticipation for the next encounter.
You have a player with a lot of enthusiasm for playing and that's deeply invested into the storytelling aspect of the game. Don't let that go to waste.
The Forum Infestation (TM)
Others say this better than me, but I'd be very careful about players with excessive back stories unless you, as a DM, have specifically encouraged their creation.
In most games I've run there's always one or two 'special snowflakes'; players who come up with convoluted back stories. On paper it's not a bad thing. The player is trying hard and obviously invested in their character. The problem is it's often a demand that you focus on THEIR character at the expensive of the player who rolled a 1st level halfling thief 'looking for some loot' or the dwarven warrior who 'enjoys drinking and a good brawl'. And that is very very bad as it can cause a weird dynamic in the group (among other things).
In general, if I start a campaign I make sure the players understand the kind of backgrounds I'm looking for and usually try and get the players to roll up characters together and explain how they know each other. Most of the times the npcs players create aren't going to play much of a role in the campaign; the other players are. It's far more important that the players begin as friends/rivals/siblings/shipmates or whatever and have reasons to stay together than a random hot elf appears occasionally and flirts with your player. It's also important because it encourages players to fit into rolls. (you mentioned she wants to play an overpowered character who can do everything - which leaves little for her brother to actually do. They'll have far more fun if each has an area they're specialized in and learn to work together to overcome problems).
If I ever have players who REALLY want odd backstories I tend to be very genie like and obey the utter letter of the description. In one campaign a player announced he was the moody son of a fallen noble who'd been accused of crimes by the character's mother and was sentenced to death. The player had sworn to avenge his father and punish his mother in a very Hamlet sort of way. However he never actually told me that his father was innocent.... So was shocked later on in the game to find that he'd spent his adult life trying to avenge a monstrous villain and had actually betrayed the rest of the party doing so. Led to some great roleplaying. Stuff like that can let players know that using backstory to gain an advantage doesn't... always work out the way they assumed. A player can describe an event - but its up to you, the DM, to decide how it actually played out.
Lastly, if you're uncomfortable with a situation like this just tell her. Nothing wrong with saying 'yeahhhh. No. Sorry. I don't think I can handle this.'