I mean...I'm good with a jerry-rigged tent...but I guess we could go down to that other place you said. Are we level 2 yet? I feel like we should be level 3.

How much experience do we get for putting up with Bert? And how much experience does Bert get for me joining. 

As a resident of the town, Iradon goes home to sleep. 

Since two of you are residents, even if one of you is considered a transient, you probably know enough about the layout that this isn't spoiling anything.

Key :

1. The Allfaiths Shrine
2. The Swinging Sword Inn
3. The Helm at High Sun
4. Mother Yalantha's Boarding Slum
5. Thelorn's Safe Journeys (Waintwright)
6. Chansyrl Fine Harness
7. Helvur's Cothiers
8. Lorren's Bakery
9. Tantur Smithy
10. Drouth Fine Poultry
11. Onra's Butchery / Police Station
12. Dornen Finestone
13. Ironhead Arms
14. Mhandyvver's (not so fine) Poultry
15. Haeleeya's Bathhouse
16. Waelvur's Mediocre Wagon Works
17. Gaelkur's used tools and barbers
18. Mellikho Stoneworks
19. Luruth's Tannery
20. Behtendur's Storage
22. Vallivor's Sundries.

You may notice the lack of a 21. That's due to the Market Square being round, so I'm worried it might be a very poor mimic trying to infiltrate our thread. Always be vigilant!

EDIT - the numbers are right, but when I submit the post they all turn to ones! This is insania!

Iradon heads home to his quaint little cottage on the Cairn road. As he turns up the path to his door, two children playing in the yard eye him suspiciously. "Mam! That creep is back again!". Iradon's wife of 20 years comes running to the door, her brow furrowing over her yellow eyes. 

"Oh, it's you." She checks the wedding painting hung in the hall and squints at his features. The proportions are all wrong, unless he's standing on a bunch of boxes, she was the full 7 ft in her wedding heels, but there's no mistaking those ruddy cheeks. Yup, it's him alright. She sighs heavily. Her mother had warned her about those smooth talking material-planers. "I suppose you'll be wanting some dinner and a bed. Again." Whistling, she walks out to the kitchenette, her long rangy frame covering the distance in short order, and nods at a bubbling pot there - a ladle lifts itself, serving up a bowl of stew that dutifully drifts over to the table.  "I'm tired of telling you this, spectre, but if you're not going to settle your unfinished business and move on, at least get a ******* job. I'm going to bed. You can share the mattress but my duties died with you - keep your hands to yourself!" She climbs up to the loft conversion, leaving him to his meal.

What are the rest of you doing for the evening?

(OOC : I can't delete this table so I moved it instead.)

Hmmm.... interesting, I am in a campaign set in Red Larch (in fact it is called Red Larch Heroes) and the map is the same, the labelling is not. I think GamoRust (the DM) made a lot of changes to shops/people. At being called a spectre, Iradon tries to put his hand through the table, and then float through the ceiling before settling down and sleeping under the table.

Iradon's hand collides with the table, and he's unable to get enough height standing on the table to bang his head on the roof.

To be clear, Iradon is not dead or any kind of ethereal being. This is information your character would have. However you defined yourself as being a local that everyone thinks is a transient, and when I random rolled your wife (a 6'7" tall Githezerai barbarian called Adaka, by the way - you should buy her something nice for her anniversary and a ladder so you can look her in the eye when you present it to her) it turns out that her husband was recently murdered. And that's you. Those rolls are always subjective for a PC, so I feel they should be a subjective representation of the NPC's experience too -  The obvious conclusion is that she is convinced you are a ghost and has reported you dead to the townsfolk. On the bright side, since she was only just rolled up Burt hasn't had a chance to Macklinate her so they're probably your kids.

Changing shops and character names is something you do when you have a lot of time and don't want your players to spoil the module by reading ahead. I'm counting on you reading ahead because I can't be arsed, I'm far more worried that you'll continue playing.

I was well away I was not dead or ethereal, doesn't mean that every single time she says that he doesn't try. It is more wishful thinking as who doesn't want to be able to travel through things. What does a half Gith half halfling look like? 

Also, the red larch one is a homebrew campaign just set in a premade world, so for a homemade campaign it makes sense to have time. 

Batman, er the Dark Night, Ummm THE Black Knight, rolls in scene, assuming there is a current scene, "So, Pardon me absence, I've been over at the sundry place there preparing for the storm headed our way,  um I mean,  our travels. It seams ill winds are blowing southeast of here."

(I tried to do a spoiler in a spoiler but it didn't work so I'm going back to this, I just wanted to force you to read my kids names and I knew you were more likely to read a spoiler than not a spoiler) 

 In the morning (It is now morning, if anyone, including the DM, wanted something done before morning they are too late. The DM wanted the story moved ahead) Iradon walks into the door, remembers he is not a spectre, opens the door and leaves. He finds the others, and using his immense halfling size, kicks Burt's shins until he wakes up, and if TBK and stumpy are asleep, gently shakes them awake, before jumping on Greg and yelling (telepathically to all of you, and anyone else within 30ft if he could see them) "To the ketchup stain!" 

 Burt wakes up to a midget kicking him and attempts to kick him back: Attack: 13 Damage: 3

Alright fine, let's go get the stupid treasure. And if I don't solve a flippin' crime today, Burt's gonna start referring to himself in the 3rd person. And nobody, least of all Burt, wants that to happen.

(Iradon's kicks do 2 damage each, how many does it take to wake Burt up)

Quote from Penguini >>

The Formerly Heretofore Named Anything Associated with, but Never Quite Exactly Saying Black Knight decides to stroll down the street to the local scroll shop to look through the stacks of arcane information about protocols and rodents and such so that he can attempt to find ways to have more clicking and hiding involved whilst saying things that in no way actually spoil anything, but just add to the fun by hiding monologue that needs not be hidden. He also will continue taking as many words and syllables as possible to say things like Black and Nikki Nikki Wobbleong so that you must read through all of the rubbish just to find out that all he did in fact was to type some text in a spoiler.

 

 It's still night time. The Scroll shop is closed. And also there isn't a scroll shop, it's a poultry shop but you can't tell because it's closed and it's dark.

Quote from Swiftgale >>

 In the morning (It is now morning, if anyone, including the DM, wanted something done before morning they are too late. The DM wanted the story moved ahead) Iradon walks into the door, remembers he is not a spectre, opens the door and leaves. He finds the others, and using his immense halfling size, kicks Burt's shins until he wakes up, and if TBK and stumpy are asleep, gently shakes them awake, before jumping on Greg and yelling (telepathically to all of you, and anyone else within 30ft if he could see them) "To the ketchup stain!" 

No one tells me what to do. This night shall last a thousand years, and now you know who's fault it is. 

Quote from Mattan_Braddus >>

 Burt wakes up to a midget kicking him and attempts to kick him back: Attack: 21 Damage: 3

Alright fine, let's go get the stupid treasure. And if I don't solve a flippin' crime today, Burt's gonna start referring to himself in the 3rd person. And nobody, least of all Burt, wants that to happen.

Burt finds himself outside the Ye Olde Scroll Shoppe, lying at The Black Knight's cloven trotters, being kicked by a Halfling that smells of tomato. It's dark, like the mood on set when you turn up to film a romantic comedy but find out that Josh Duhamel has been cast as the male lead. Neither Burt nor Iradon recall there being a Ye Olde Scroll Shoppe in the village. Although, when you think about it, 2 wagon merchants and 2 poultry pluckers and not a single scroll shoppe? That's the real mystery!

An Olde Mane sticks his head out of the top half of the Shoppes Doore, cackling "Free samples! Scroll of Heal Friendly Fire!" and to prove it he reads one, which causes all kicks, bites and stabs that you've recently done to eachother to magically disappear. He then notices the sky is dark, glares at you all and screams "We're closed!", slamming the hatch shut. As he does so the shop pops out of existence, as if the universe is slowly trying to clear up all the damage this thread is doing to the fabric of sweet Faerun.

There's some kind of a commotion round the corner (which, based on where you standing, is coming from the market square). Probably nothing of interest though, you don't hear the words "Gold" or "boobs".

Burt wants nothing to do with it if it doesn't involve golden boobs....but I suppose we should check it out anyways. Burt heads around the corner towards the commotion.

"Ah, bird watching," says Thee Blacke Knighte. "I do so enjoy watching golden boobs and swallows and such." Hee glances briefly at the skye and adds, "Harder to see them in the darke though, probably all of these extra ees on all of the wordse keeping the sun at baye." 

Iradon looks up "Nah that is natural. It's just the smoke from the kitchen that always catches fire. You were lucky to see the sun when you first got here" 

In the Market Round, a crowd - too numerous to count or colour-code the speech of - has gathered, torches in hands, angry fists shaking in the air (those are 2 seperate hands, no one is setting anyone on fire with an angry torch fist. YET!) There is much shouting, accusations being flung like ejacufluids out a window when there's a knock you weren't expecting on the bedroom door. The party arrive to catch a little of the conversation as Harbuk, waving a calming cleaver as if trying to conduct an orchestra of confused briskets amid a cacophy of insecurity and fury.

"The moon beat the sun in a fair fight. Suck it up, *****es - Tis the will of Tempus!"

"This is your bloody kitchen Irkell! Your cavalier attitude towards the environment has gone too far!"

"This is more than smoke! Ill magicks are at play - ill, I say! Not roman numeral III!  My dead husband is behind this, make no mistake! We should find that spectral menace and kick him till he dies again (I miss his warm touch so, gods let his annoying spirit find peace)"

"Aym joost a local verker, just liik joo guys, but aym shinking zis is ze vill of hee hoo schwelterzch! Behold ze glory off Ogréddle!"

"Shut up Scab!"

"Lenny, what are you talking about"

"Them foreigners, theys been working in the quarry, they broke our picket line - ******* SCABS!"

"Lenny, we're not on strike"

"But I ain't been to work in 2 weeks! I gotta talk to Mellikho!"

"I don't know what a tracker mortgage is!"

"It's the ******* Hamshaman again! I told you we should have gone Vegan!"

"Sune be damned! We must sacrifice a virgin to appease the moon!"

"I don't want to die!"

"Shut up Lenny!"

"People of Red Larch! Calm yourselves! I, Harbuck Tuthmarillar, dilligent Constable and vendor of cold meats (and occasionally quests) have the situation in hand! As you know, the sun did not rise today. There were no portents, and it's certainly a little bit too early to start sacrificing virgins Lymmura" - he gives the priestess a stern look - "or blaming dead relatives! I have no doubt that the Lords Alliance have this all in hand. It's probably just a run of the mill end-of-days scenario, there will be a group of high level heroes dispatched from Neverwinter, maybe Waterdeep or Baldurs Gate - one of the good startup cities that have multiple Ye Olde Scrolle Shoppes - and they'll have this all in hand. In the mean time we need to be sensible. Ration your food, travel in pairs, collect your earwax for candles because those ******* bees get really lazy when the sun doesn't come up; we all remember those stories our grandparents told us, how they had to break the knees on hundreds of thousand of bee larva to get their bone idle parents back to work during the Time of Troubles. Not Us! Never Us!"

Behind Harbuck's cart, you can see a small group of store owners - you recognise old man Waelvur among them - whispering to each other and sneering at Harbuck's attempts to restore order. During his speech the group throw hoods over their heads and scuttle off in different directions in a manner that looks like it was supposed to be stealthy and inconspicuous but instead was incredibly suspicious. Harbuck continues.

"And we are not without defences. Why, Burt Macklin - the greatest detective that ever lived - is in town, he can investigate this mystery for us!"

"Why don't you get him to investigate the mystery of the white sludge running down the inside of your wife's leg?"

"We did, it took a few nights but we found out is was an albino salt-slug infestation. He took care of it, he took her into the back room and he worked his ass off;  and it wasn't easy - made him all sweaty and out of breath. But he got the job done, night after night after night till those damned slugs were all dried up. And he'll come through for us again!

He has allies - The Black Knight! The most fearsome warrior that ever lived or nearly died, he who guards the path north that none may pass. (By the way, the road north has reopened again if anyone has family they want to visit in Triboar. Dismemberments are way down in the last couple of days, it's a golden era for travel.) Oh, and a halfling that smells like tomatoes, but we're not emotionally invested in him yet, give him a chance.

Anyway - we have no leads, we have no gold, but we have a map! Someone draw the location of a bunch of goblins on it and lets send them out there. They're bound to stumble on a solution or uncover some shady plot. Who's with me?"

A cheer goes up from the audience, who surge forward to draw a big dot on the map, with a giant arrow marked "QWEST!" on it - this they hammer onto the side of Harbuck's cart. Then as one they disperse like roaches in a kitchen when you turn the light on, leaving the market round empty.