first look comments: lacks the random artifact properties of artifacts. you should add some! Also, proofread for spelling and typos before publishing. Ask someone else to check it as well. I found multiple typos and spelling mistakes.
Reading it in full, it seems to lack the sort of power that other Artifact level items have: most of its text is in its ability to mind control its wielder, which is cool, but it is lackluster is powerful abilities.
For comparison, lets look at the Wand of Orcus, another item that is used by a powerful being to control other for personal gain. The wand of Orcus can cast spells, include things like Power Word Kill and Finger of Death, although limited in use, it is a very powerful ability. It gives +3 to armor class, and can summon 500hp worth of undead under your command, be it two dracoliches, and army of zombies, or a few regular Liches for extra spell, once a day. It also gives a +3 to attack and damage and deals 2d12 extra damage, working as a mace. Your item on the other hand, has weaker summoning and no spells (the damage is also worse, but the stun ability makes up for that well.)
Also, the rules about the sword's mind control are vague. move the mind control stuff to a separate section from personality (end after the advantage statements) "75% more likely" is meaningless because ones willingness to follow commands is not numerically quantified. A "+5 to persuasion and intimidation" could work similarly. State that an intelligence of 9 or less is fully controlled by the blade: make the wielder an actual "vessel" stating that the original soul is trapped maybe in a trace of sorts, because that is essentially what happens. There is no reason for the ability of reducing ones int. score to 9 and starting at 9 should be different: keep it consistent. having 10 successful checks at DC in a row is nearly impossible: I would say 10 checks within a certain time window, so that more people are there the easier it will be. (because currently it is best to have whoever has the highest charisma make all of the checks). Finally, add a section on how to destroy it. Artifacts are often completely indestructible unless extremely specific conditions are met, such as being thrown into a specific volcano in the center of the BBEGs lair (Lord of the Rings), or bathed in Positive Energy by the long-lost hero whose skull it was formed from after said hero has been returned to life (Wand of Orcus).
TLDR. For an artifact, it is extremely weak: artifacts often have god-like powers that can turn even a commoner into a threat on the battlefield. The mind control language needs to be fine-tuned and more specific. It should have random artifact properties, and a way to be destroyed.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I write homebrew and don't publish it. (evil, I know)
The language isn’t on par with usual 5e wording, and the percentages are not something you usually have. You could have the health taken be equal to the level of the wielder. The text is also kind of confusing. Cool idea though.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
Here is my artifact, Sjveln, the "Traitor's sword". It is intended for rouge and warlocks, has some good abilities, but also bites back!
Want to know what you think!
first look comments: lacks the random artifact properties of artifacts. you should add some! Also, proofread for spelling and typos before publishing. Ask someone else to check it as well. I found multiple typos and spelling mistakes.
Reading it in full, it seems to lack the sort of power that other Artifact level items have: most of its text is in its ability to mind control its wielder, which is cool, but it is lackluster is powerful abilities.
For comparison, lets look at the Wand of Orcus, another item that is used by a powerful being to control other for personal gain. The wand of Orcus can cast spells, include things like Power Word Kill and Finger of Death, although limited in use, it is a very powerful ability. It gives +3 to armor class, and can summon 500hp worth of undead under your command, be it two dracoliches, and army of zombies, or a few regular Liches for extra spell, once a day. It also gives a +3 to attack and damage and deals 2d12 extra damage, working as a mace. Your item on the other hand, has weaker summoning and no spells (the damage is also worse, but the stun ability makes up for that well.)
Also, the rules about the sword's mind control are vague. move the mind control stuff to a separate section from personality (end after the advantage statements) "75% more likely" is meaningless because ones willingness to follow commands is not numerically quantified. A "+5 to persuasion and intimidation" could work similarly. State that an intelligence of 9 or less is fully controlled by the blade: make the wielder an actual "vessel" stating that the original soul is trapped maybe in a trace of sorts, because that is essentially what happens. There is no reason for the ability of reducing ones int. score to 9 and starting at 9 should be different: keep it consistent. having 10 successful checks at DC in a row is nearly impossible: I would say 10 checks within a certain time window, so that more people are there the easier it will be. (because currently it is best to have whoever has the highest charisma make all of the checks). Finally, add a section on how to destroy it. Artifacts are often completely indestructible unless extremely specific conditions are met, such as being thrown into a specific volcano in the center of the BBEGs lair (Lord of the Rings), or bathed in Positive Energy by the long-lost hero whose skull it was formed from after said hero has been returned to life (Wand of Orcus).
TLDR. For an artifact, it is extremely weak: artifacts often have god-like powers that can turn even a commoner into a threat on the battlefield. The mind control language needs to be fine-tuned and more specific. It should have random artifact properties, and a way to be destroyed.
I write homebrew and don't publish it. (evil, I know)
The language isn’t on par with usual 5e wording, and the percentages are not something you usually have. You could have the health taken be equal to the level of the wielder. The text is also kind of confusing. Cool idea though.