"You give him a viking funeral, and you say your goodbyes as he drifts down the river."
Spoiler for white plume mountain (which makes the quote funny):
"He comes back around the looped river, his boat still burning. And then he comes again. And again. And again."
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Pronouns: he/him/his.
My posting scheduled is irregular: sometimes I can post twice a week, sometimes twice a day. I may also respond to quick questions, but ignore harder responses in favor of time.
My location is where my character for my home game is (we're doing the wild beyond the witchlight).
"The Doomvault... Probably full of unicorns and rainbows." -An imaginary quote
This is cheating as I don't actually have a quote (at least not one that I remember or was able to hear), but our game last night pretty much came to a halt for about five minutes (because we were laughing so hard) when my level 11 rogue/artificer got a 43 on a stealth check.
I could have said he got a nat 20, but 43 makes a nat 20 sound like an abysmal failure.
In case you are wondering, that's expertise with stealth (+4 proficiency bonus and +5 dexterity), +10 pass without trace, and a nat 20.
I should have cast guidance on myself just to boost it up a bit higher.
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=========================== Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters: Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Party in one of the campaigns that I'm running has been searching the manor of an arcanist that was researching the Far Realm. In one of the upstairs bedrooms, the group finds a prisoner that had been stripped of most of their clothes and has been bound and gagged by the cultists using the manor as a base of operations.
DM (me): "In the far corner of this bedroom lies a man; who is alive but bound and gagged. He is clad only in undergarments and appears to have no weapons or equipment. Their are multiple bruises and abrasions on his body and extremities, which indicate that he's been roughly treated. In fact, it looks like he's probably gone a couple days without proper food and water."
Player 1 (tabaxi bard w/chef feat): "I stick my cucumber in his mouth!"
Player 2: "DM just explained that the guy is bound and GAGGED."
Player 1: "Oh... I remove the gag from his mouth. And stick my cucumber in it!"
And, innuendo aside, the character really did have a cucumber that he was trying to feed the prisoner. He was very proud that he found it in the manor's garden earlier that session.
"I would like to hit the baby." Followed shortly by, "Did I kill the baby?" (No babies were harmed, but some dolgaunts definitely were.)
"I don't care about harassing orphans."
"This castle looks like the one out of that legend, uh, Super Mario 64."
"You're telling me in your million-whatever-the-hell years you've been alive, you've never played hide and seek with you friends? ... You're a spy, your whole life is hide and go seek!"
aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddd my cat is now irl sitting on my keyboard
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Helper of Create a World thread/Sedge is Chaotic Neutral/ Mega Yahtzee High: 34, Low: 14/I speak English, je me parle le Francais, agus Labhraim beagan Gaeilge
*player lands killing blow on BBEG who was mass producing flesh golems and was designing a new one when the party interrupted*
DM: Describe the kill. Player 3: I say, "It's time for an anatomy lesson," and I-- Player 1: Lame. He already knows anatomy. He's building Frankensteins. Player 2: No. He's building Frankenstein monsters. Player 1: Whatever. Player 3: Fine. What would you say? Player 1: I wouldn't say anything. I'd skewer him through the throat and hold his head so the last thing he sees is my gorgeous eyes filled with malicious hunger. Player 2: That's dark. Player 1: But cool. Right? Player 2: No. Just dark. Player 3: It's my kill so I'm going to-- DM: He bled out already. Player 2: I can't say I blame him. I would, too, just to stop these two arguing how to kill me.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
DM: "You discover an abandoned minecart from an ancient dwarvish civilization. It is made of solid admantine and it weighs *blah blah specifics blah blah*".
Me: *does some math* *looks up from sheet at DM* "You do realize this much admantine could be scrapped and sold for well over half a million GP, right?
Also Me: "I pick up the massive minecart and strap it to my (goliath barbarian) back and take it with us through the mines".
DM: *realizes that the party now has enough funds to possibly create, as I soon pointed out, 80+ warforged or 2.5^7 chickens*
This is where the last session left off. The next one is in four hours. Wish me luck boys. If I roll a Nat 20, my crazy DM miiiight just let me purchase 25,000,000 chickens.
Life is very busy unfortunately, gone from most Pbp's indefinitely. If you'd like to contact me, I am on Discord at GreatAxeblade#7595, always happy to chat :)
*the party tracked down the BBE Hag, Auntie Clara, and after 3 rounds of extremely lucky rolls, Auntie Clara was dead*
Player 2: That's it? Player 4: That was Auntie Clara, huh? Player 2: More like Auntie Climactic. Everyone else: 😒
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
DM (Me): "Look, the part of my brain that processes information on racially-motivated violence and the part that focuses on secret ninja clans don't usually have to overlap..."
This came up in conversation after my players pointed out to me that the secret ninja clan they were trying to find has a name that's about 2 letters off an offensive racial term. I never made the association.
My paladin was always yelling about Glory and Glorious that and Glorious this.
Figther: Do you know any other adjectives than "glorious"?
Paladin: Of course, I know 'Righteous'
Later, the two biggest himbos in the party were investigating a giant chain that caused necrosis to anyone who touched it. Himbo 1 had just touched it Himbo 1: Aaah, that hurts. Lay on Hands. Maybe if we had gloves?
Himbo 2: I have gloves.
Himbo 1: Brilliant, touch it!
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"You give him a viking funeral, and you say your goodbyes as he drifts down the river."
Spoiler for white plume mountain (which makes the quote funny):
"He comes back around the looped river, his boat still burning. And then he comes again. And again. And again."
Pronouns: he/him/his.
My posting scheduled is irregular: sometimes I can post twice a week, sometimes twice a day. I may also respond to quick questions, but ignore harder responses in favor of time.
My location is where my character for my home game is (we're doing the wild beyond the witchlight).
"The Doomvault... Probably full of unicorns and rainbows." -An imaginary quote
"That sounds serious, I don't want to starve."
I am a conjurer, but the only thing I can summon is disappointment
Status: schools started, so weekday posting is limited.
I'm a member of the "oops I accidentally destroyed someone's brain cult"
I might be losing it at the rate of the heat death of the universe.
Extended Sig
"We in the business call that Bludgeoning Damage"
-Me, while a player explains the mechanics of Sleep to a new player
"Guess what? You're going to Elturel"
"Elturel? Good thing nothing bad's going to happen there"
"It's not like it's going to be sucked into Hell or anything"
"We ARE Hell"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
"I never planned to seduce a kraken."
This is cheating as I don't actually have a quote (at least not one that I remember or was able to hear), but our game last night pretty much came to a halt for about five minutes (because we were laughing so hard) when my level 11 rogue/artificer got a 43 on a stealth check.
I could have said he got a nat 20, but 43 makes a nat 20 sound like an abysmal failure.
In case you are wondering, that's expertise with stealth (+4 proficiency bonus and +5 dexterity), +10 pass without trace, and a nat 20.
I should have cast guidance on myself just to boost it up a bit higher.
===========================
Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters:
Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer
Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
"I've been lugging his corpse around for a couple months now, I should probably give him a viking funeral."
Mystic v3 should be official, nuff said.
Party in one of the campaigns that I'm running has been searching the manor of an arcanist that was researching the Far Realm. In one of the upstairs bedrooms, the group finds a prisoner that had been stripped of most of their clothes and has been bound and gagged by the cultists using the manor as a base of operations.
DM (me): "In the far corner of this bedroom lies a man; who is alive but bound and gagged. He is clad only in undergarments and appears to have no weapons or equipment. Their are multiple bruises and abrasions on his body and extremities, which indicate that he's been roughly treated. In fact, it looks like he's probably gone a couple days without proper food and water."
Player 1 (tabaxi bard w/chef feat): "I stick my cucumber in his mouth!"
Player 2: "DM just explained that the guy is bound and GAGGED."
Player 1: "Oh... I remove the gag from his mouth. And stick my cucumber in it!"
And, innuendo aside, the character really did have a cucumber that he was trying to feed the prisoner. He was very proud that he found it in the manor's garden earlier that session.
Did you just run through me?
"While the mating dance is happening, I'm going to throw the squawking tool at the lizardfolk."
Nikolai Buckman | vampire | bard
Solace Redgrove | tiefling | bard
"I would like to hit the baby." Followed shortly by, "Did I kill the baby?" (No babies were harmed, but some dolgaunts definitely were.)
"I don't care about harassing orphans."
"This castle looks like the one out of that legend, uh, Super Mario 64."
"You're telling me in your million-whatever-the-hell years you've been alive, you've never played hide and seek with you friends? ... You're a spy, your whole life is hide and go seek!"
DM: Have much hp do you have left?
Me: *calcing last attack* 12ish...
DM: You have 2 fish?
Me: No, I have 12 hp
aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddd my cat is now irl sitting on my keyboard
Helper of Create a World thread/Sedge is Chaotic Neutral/ Mega Yahtzee High: 34, Low: 14/I speak English, je me parle le Francais, agus Labhraim beagan Gaeilge
Dream of Days Lore Bard 9/Wizard 4 Baulder's Gate: Descent to Avernus (In Person/Over Zoom)
Saleadon Morgul Battle Smith Artificer 11 Tyranny of Dragons (In Person/Over Zoom)
Hurtharn Serpti Ghostslayer Blood Hunter 7 Spelljammer (Over Zoom)
Ex Sig
*player lands killing blow on BBEG who was mass producing flesh golems and was designing a new one when the party interrupted*
DM: Describe the kill.
Player 3: I say, "It's time for an anatomy lesson," and I--
Player 1: Lame. He already knows anatomy. He's building Frankensteins.
Player 2: No. He's building Frankenstein monsters.
Player 1: Whatever.
Player 3: Fine. What would you say?
Player 1: I wouldn't say anything. I'd skewer him through the throat and hold his head so the last thing he sees is my gorgeous eyes filled with malicious hunger.
Player 2: That's dark.
Player 1: But cool. Right?
Player 2: No. Just dark.
Player 3: It's my kill so I'm going to--
DM: He bled out already.
Player 2: I can't say I blame him. I would, too, just to stop these two arguing how to kill me.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"Three goblins, in a trench coat, learning Kung Fu, it happened to this man's campaign and it could happen to yours."
Mystic v3 should be official, nuff said.
DM: "You discover an abandoned minecart from an ancient dwarvish civilization. It is made of solid admantine and it weighs *blah blah specifics blah blah*".
Me: *does some math* *looks up from sheet at DM* "You do realize this much admantine could be scrapped and sold for well over half a million GP, right?
Also Me: "I pick up the massive minecart and strap it to my (goliath barbarian) back and take it with us through the mines".
DM: *realizes that the party now has enough funds to possibly create, as I soon pointed out, 80+ warforged or 2.5^7 chickens*
This is where the last session left off. The next one is in four hours. Wish me luck boys. If I roll a Nat 20, my crazy DM miiiight just let me purchase 25,000,000 chickens.
Life is very busy unfortunately, gone from most Pbp's indefinitely.
If you'd like to contact me, I am on Discord at GreatAxeblade#7595, always happy to chat :)
Homebrew races: ~Otterfolk! Play as a otter!~ Playable Dryad! (Literally just the monster sheet ported to player race)
Sauce Archpriest!- Join the Supreme Court of Sauces! Join the Cult of Cults! EXTENDED SIGNATURE Tooltips
*the party tracked down the BBE Hag, Auntie Clara, and after 3 rounds of extremely lucky rolls, Auntie Clara was dead*
Player 2: That's it?
Player 4: That was Auntie Clara, huh?
Player 2: More like Auntie Climactic.
Everyone else: 😒
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Cleric after getting revived for the 'nth time: Why was I made... Just to suffer...
Rogue: How'd we get stuck with this idiot?
: Systems Online : Nikoli_Goodfellow Homebrew : My WIP Homebrew Class :
(\_/)
( u u)
o/ \🥛🍪 Hey, take care of yourself alright?
What it wasn't a simulacrum the whole time (hint, hint).
DM (Me): "Look, the part of my brain that processes information on racially-motivated violence and the part that focuses on secret ninja clans don't usually have to overlap..."
This came up in conversation after my players pointed out to me that the secret ninja clan they were trying to find has a name that's about 2 letters off an offensive racial term. I never made the association.
My paladin was always yelling about Glory and Glorious that and Glorious this.
Figther: Do you know any other adjectives than "glorious"?
Paladin: Of course, I know 'Righteous'
Later, the two biggest himbos in the party were investigating a giant chain that caused necrosis to anyone who touched it. Himbo 1 had just touched it
Himbo 1: Aaah, that hurts. Lay on Hands. Maybe if we had gloves?
Himbo 2: I have gloves.
Himbo 1: Brilliant, touch it!