DM to player 2: "You also notice things are missing from the shelves." Player 1 and Player 2: "I'm noticing a pattern here. There's a pattern going on here. Things are going missing." *Player 2 rolls d20* DM: What're you rolling for? Player 2: Oh. Uh... *everyone starts laughing* Player 1: You just rolled? DM: I didn't ask for a roll but-- Player 2: It's a 3. Player 1: Did you just go *shrug* roll the die? Player 2: I got a 3. How does that help me? DM: It depends on what you were trying to do? Player 2: I thought you wanted an Investigation check-- Player 1: Right. My go! *rolls d20* Um... *doesn't really look before scooping up die* It's good. DM to Player 1: You win! You win Dungeons & Dragons! Well done! We'll leave it there. *takes a bit for everyone to recover and continue the campaign*
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Same stream: Player 3: *rolls d20 on Persuasion* 8... *looks at character sheet* ...pluuuuuuuuuuuuu*keeps looking*uuuuuuuuu*keeps looking*uuuuu*finds the Persuasion mod*us... 3.
Same stream: Player 1's Investigation noticed a total lack of flying bugs around a lake. Player 1: "Have you noticed there's no flies? Hang on a sec! What's the natural predator of flies? Frogs! Frogs! What does "frogs" rhyme with? Cogs! Cogs! There are cogs in the local windmill! And you know what? The local windmill owner is always talking about monsters, and I've never seen any monsters. I can't see monste--" *sudden realization* "There's a sea monster!" Player 1 was way wrong.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Player1: If he insulted me, it doesn't mean he's evil, it just means he's uncultured.
---
Player2: (referring to a dragon that just hatched from an egg moments previously) It's a baby, is it even capable of speaking Draconic yet? DM: That's a very good question, and one that I did not think I'd have to prepare an answer for.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
=========================== Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters: Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Player 3's second session ever, though the first one was several hours long...
DM: In fact, you [Player 3] roll an Animal Handling check since you're the one with the best Animal Handling. Player 3: Yeah. *looks around the table a bit* DM: You remember how to do that. Right? Player 3: Yeah. Totally. *without confidence* DM: Because it was only last week? Player 3: Yeah...
DM shows Player 3 how to do an Animal Handling check. :P
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I got one! I was DMing and we were using google meet and the captions read "Evil king" as "Liver bling" So for the rest of the campaign my king was called a liver bling!
The party was tracking some undead activity, and the city where the bard's boyfriend lived was on the way, so they decided to stop there for the night. When they got to his house, the door was locked and he wasn't home yet. Well, the sorceress was tired and didn't want to wait, so she declared she wanted to pick the lock. The halfling bard tried to stop her by grappling her, but she broke out of the grapple, broke the lock, ran straight into the pantry and ate his carrots, and fell asleep on the kitchen floor. The bard, concerned that her boyfriend would freak out if he found his house broken into with his girlfriend's friend unconscious on the floor, started trying to drag the sorceress(who was over twice her size) out of the house. When she reached the living room, she saw that her boyfriend who just got home from work, standing in the broken doorway staring straight at the two of them, looking very distressed and confused.
"You know, I used to think religion was simple. But after meeting you and adventuring for a while, I'm starting to think- and I'm ashamed and afraid of this -that it's all just a big mindf*ck"
"I know you can't see him....is there anyway I can prove to you I am not crazy....other than the floating kazoo"
Ranger: "I write in my journal." Sorceress: "SECRET JOURNAAAAAAAL!!!!!" Ranger: "I start writing in Primordial instead." Sorceress: *Curses in Celestial* Bard: *Looks confused in Halfling* Monk: *Apologizes in Common* Sorceress: *Laughs in Orc* Baelnorn: *Mumbles sadly to himself in Sylvan*
Monk: "I spend the night in a self-constructed sweat lodge, undergoing my initiation into the Bongo Moth priesthood." *Rolls a 7 on construction* DM: "At about 3 AM, the sweat lodge collapses and you barely escape, taking 1d4 bludgeoning damage." Monk: "Bongo Moth's power must have been too much for the lodge"
"Wait, is the 2,000 year old lich freaking out about holding a pigeon? Because if so, that is so wholesome."
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
So, my party had a Swashbuckler Rogue that was really good a causing mayhem and distractions. During an excursion into the Underdark, we managed to sneak up on some Basilisks and our Bard leader told him to make a distraction as to avert their eyes from us. So he pulled out a 10 ft chain, threw it in between them all and shouted with full confidence...
"Oh no! Another Boa Constrictor!"
He had us in tears not only because it was such a nonsensical thing to shout out, but because it worked. The Basilisks spend half the combat fighting a 10ft chain because our DM couldn't rule a high enough intelligence check for them to realize it wasn't a boa constrictor.
This was already an Iconic moment for our party, but our roguish friend managed to top it several months later. His character is a performer in our story and he was assisting our Bard in entertaining the crew of a ship we were in charge of. They were telling and acting out a story about a brave warrior fighting off against some great serpents, with the rogue playing the warrior and the Bard using spells to animate objects to make the performance better. 5 of those objects were chains pretending to be snakes, including a large gold plated one. Our rogue saw this and proceeded to shout in exclamation.
"Look, I have found it! The original Boa Constrictor!"
We were all dying it was glorious! Best session ever!
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
after six sessions not realizing that I could replace my genie vessel, and FINALLY taking a short rest to do so.
DM: Tia Make a Dex save.
Me: *Rolls low*
DM: After doing the ceremony, and praising your patron's name. All of the sudden you new genie vessel SMACKS YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.
I had 22 hp, and I had 8 after that.
Me: Yep.... Ugh. He's mad.
Now that's the sort of mischief I subscribe to when I pick a Warlock character!
Reminds me of my Archfey Warlock...part of the deal with his patron was that she could "see" through his own eyes (she was trapped in the Feywild by powers-that-be)...his eyes would change color when the Archfey "saw" something interesting...
Cleric: "Wait, so she can see everything you do?"
Warlock: "I don't know when she "tunes in"...but yeah, pretty much."
Cleric: "I mean...ya know...she sees...everything?"
Warlock: (exasperated) "It's...it's best not to think about it."
after six sessions not realizing that I could replace my genie vessel, and FINALLY taking a short rest to do so.
DM: Tia Make a Dex save.
Me: *Rolls low*
DM: After doing the ceremony, and praising your patron's name. All of the sudden you new genie vessel SMACKS YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.
I had 22 hp, and I had 8 after that.
Me: Yep.... Ugh. He's mad.
Now that's the sort of mischief I subscribe to when I pick a Warlock character!
Reminds me of my Archfey Warlock...part of the deal with his patron was that she could "see" through his own eyes (she was trapped in the Feywild by powers-that-be)...his eyes would change color when the Archfey "saw" something interesting...
Cleric: "Wait, so she can see everything you do?"
Warlock: "I don't know when she "tunes in"...but yeah, pretty much."
Cleric: "I mean...ya know...she sees...everything?"
Warlock: (exasperated) "It's...it's best not to think about it."
Oh that's not even the worse part, my Marid patron sent a note in the new vessel as well.
Note from Riptide: "I cannot believe you lost your vessel! If you loose this again, I'll kick your ass! None of my other patrons LOSE THEIR VESSELS! If you had it missing, you should have told me sooner! But, as one of my few remaining patrons, I'll let it slide for now. But I demand a favor. That rat bastard Fraz Urb'luu has stolen 3 of my patrons. I have no idea where they are, as they have destroyed their Genie Vessels. I want you to track them down, talk them into worshipping me again. I derive some of my power from worship, so I need more patrons feeding me worship, or I will start to weaken. And if I weaken, you weaken. Find them, for both of our sakes. Are we clear?"
I waited a while for this to happen and was wholly prepared. I had dropped hints my Rogue sailor was writing stuff down in a letter to someone, and the party prankster took the bait.
He pickpocketed my character, and the DM allowed me to give the player a printed note with a bunch of runes on it. The thief enlisted the help of the Bard with Comprehend Languages. I handed my prepared translated note to the Bard who proceeded to read it allowed aloud, stopped once realizing what it was, and started over while singing it to the tune of Ponchielli's Dance of the Hours. If the tune is unfamiliar, look for "hello mudda hello fadduh" on YouTube.
The note was as follows:
[verses] Hello mudduh.... Hello fadduh. Here I am a-...cross the wattuh. Sailing's very... entertaining. I spent lots of gold but also lots remaining.
I went back to... islands Lantan, Where I met a... girl named Stratton. On the ship, she... wore a bonnet, But the seasickness would often make her vomit.
From the islands,.. we sailed southward, Charging people... by the hour To teach children... speech and letters, And this time, I didn't teach them any swear words.
At the next port,.. I went thinking. No, wait. Scratch that.... I went drinking. Got in trouble.... Was called "assault." If they cannot fight, it really isn't my fault.
[bridge] How... are... you?.. I hope you all are Do...ing... well.... The kids are taller I... ex...pect,.. and are they waiting for... to see... my ship along the shore?
I... miss... you,.. and all the fam'ly, Miss... them,.. too.... Did Bruno fin'lly Get... some... sense... into his stubborn head? I hope... he... is... not... dead....
[verses again] Wait a minute.... I forgot to Send the presents... that I bought you. I will use some... better shipping, Since the last ship sunk and everything went missing.
I do promise... I'll soon visit. You'll make dumplings.... They're exquisite. Look for me in... next three lunars. Love and kisses from your son, Quomo Boomers.
The only things gleamed was my character's real name and that my character's parents didn't know what he was really doing with the party - rampant piracy.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
(My DMPC Evocation Wizard, and my brother's Champion Fighter becomes honorary Godparents to a new generation of lizard folks)
Fighter: Wait.... *looks to the wizard* Crap! Did I just implied that we were gay again?... because we're not!
As seen on streaming:
DM to player 2: "You also notice things are missing from the shelves."
Player 1 and Player 2: "I'm noticing a pattern here. There's a pattern going on here. Things are going missing."
*Player 2 rolls d20*
DM: What're you rolling for?
Player 2: Oh. Uh...
*everyone starts laughing*
Player 1: You just rolled?
DM: I didn't ask for a roll but--
Player 2: It's a 3.
Player 1: Did you just go *shrug* roll the die?
Player 2: I got a 3. How does that help me?
DM: It depends on what you were trying to do?
Player 2: I thought you wanted an Investigation check--
Player 1: Right. My go! *rolls d20* Um... *doesn't really look before scooping up die* It's good.
DM to Player 1: You win! You win Dungeons & Dragons! Well done! We'll leave it there.
*takes a bit for everyone to recover and continue the campaign*
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Same stream:
Player 3: *rolls d20 on Persuasion* 8... *looks at character sheet* ...pluuuuuuuuuuuuu*keeps looking*uuuuuuuuu*keeps looking*uuuuu*finds the Persuasion mod*us... 3.
Same stream:
Player 1's Investigation noticed a total lack of flying bugs around a lake.
Player 1: "Have you noticed there's no flies? Hang on a sec! What's the natural predator of flies? Frogs! Frogs! What does "frogs" rhyme with? Cogs! Cogs! There are cogs in the local windmill! And you know what? The local windmill owner is always talking about monsters, and I've never seen any monsters. I can't see monste--" *sudden realization* "There's a sea monster!"
Player 1 was way wrong.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Player: I want to get a chicken and shove some coins down into its stomach. Then it will walk around with me so I can have a living coin purse.
DM (Me): Starts calculating has w much it will cost for a bag of holding disguised as a chicken.
Player1: If he insulted me, it doesn't mean he's evil, it just means he's uncultured.
---
Player2: (referring to a dragon that just hatched from an egg moments previously) It's a baby, is it even capable of speaking Draconic yet?
DM: That's a very good question, and one that I did not think I'd have to prepare an answer for.
===========================
Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters:
Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer
Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Player 3's second session ever, though the first one was several hours long...
DM: In fact, you [Player 3] roll an Animal Handling check since you're the one with the best Animal Handling.
Player 3: Yeah. *looks around the table a bit*
DM: You remember how to do that. Right?
Player 3: Yeah. Totally. *without confidence*
DM: Because it was only last week?
Player 3: Yeah...
DM shows Player 3 how to do an Animal Handling check. :P
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I got one!
I was DMing and we were using google meet and the captions read "Evil king" as "Liver bling" So for the rest of the campaign my king was called a liver bling!
The party was tracking some undead activity, and the city where the bard's boyfriend lived was on the way, so they decided to stop there for the night. When they got to his house, the door was locked and he wasn't home yet. Well, the sorceress was tired and didn't want to wait, so she declared she wanted to pick the lock. The halfling bard tried to stop her by grappling her, but she broke out of the grapple, broke the lock, ran straight into the pantry and ate his carrots, and fell asleep on the kitchen floor. The bard, concerned that her boyfriend would freak out if he found his house broken into with his girlfriend's friend unconscious on the floor, started trying to drag the sorceress(who was over twice her size) out of the house. When she reached the living room, she saw that her boyfriend who just got home from work, standing in the broken doorway staring straight at the two of them, looking very distressed and confused.
"You know, I used to think religion was simple. But after meeting you and adventuring for a while, I'm starting to think- and I'm ashamed and afraid of this -that it's all just a big mindf*ck"
"I know you can't see him....is there anyway I can prove to you I am not crazy....other than the floating kazoo"
Ranger: "I write in my journal."
Sorceress: "SECRET JOURNAAAAAAAL!!!!!"
Ranger: "I start writing in Primordial instead."
Sorceress: *Curses in Celestial*
Bard: *Looks confused in Halfling*
Monk: *Apologizes in Common*
Sorceress: *Laughs in Orc*
Baelnorn: *Mumbles sadly to himself in Sylvan*
Monk: "I spend the night in a self-constructed sweat lodge, undergoing my initiation into the Bongo Moth priesthood."
*Rolls a 7 on construction*
DM: "At about 3 AM, the sweat lodge collapses and you barely escape, taking 1d4 bludgeoning damage."
Monk: "Bongo Moth's power must have been too much for the lodge"
"Wait, is the 2,000 year old lich freaking out about holding a pigeon? Because if so, that is so wholesome."
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
-
View User Profile
-
View Posts
-
Send Message
InsiderPenelope spoke my soul this week on Silver and Steel:
“You know what? I have no idea what’s going on but I am SO happy to be here!” - Penelope
Find me on Twitter: @OboeLauren
So, my party had a Swashbuckler Rogue that was really good a causing mayhem and distractions. During an excursion into the Underdark, we managed to sneak up on some Basilisks and our Bard leader told him to make a distraction as to avert their eyes from us. So he pulled out a 10 ft chain, threw it in between them all and shouted with full confidence...
"Oh no! Another Boa Constrictor!"
He had us in tears not only because it was such a nonsensical thing to shout out, but because it worked. The Basilisks spend half the combat fighting a 10ft chain because our DM couldn't rule a high enough intelligence check for them to realize it wasn't a boa constrictor.
This was already an Iconic moment for our party, but our roguish friend managed to top it several months later. His character is a performer in our story and he was assisting our Bard in entertaining the crew of a ship we were in charge of. They were telling and acting out a story about a brave warrior fighting off against some great serpents, with the rogue playing the warrior and the Bard using spells to animate objects to make the performance better. 5 of those objects were chains pretending to be snakes, including a large gold plated one. Our rogue saw this and proceeded to shout in exclamation.
"Look, I have found it! The original Boa Constrictor!"
We were all dying it was glorious! Best session ever!
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
Characters for Tenebris Sine Fine
RoughCoronet's Greater Wills
Bird Detective Cleric: She's a Slut.
after six sessions not realizing that I could replace my genie vessel, and FINALLY taking a short rest to do so.
DM: Tia Make a Dex save.
Me: *Rolls low*
DM: After doing the ceremony, and praising your patron's name. All of the sudden you new genie vessel SMACKS YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.
I had 22 hp, and I had 8 after that.
Me: Yep.... Ugh. He's mad.
"Camels can't fly."
Oh yeah, and that was out of character.
Wizard (Gandalf) of the Tolkien Club
"So after making all these plans for insurgency, we're going for the flying dinosaur idea?"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
Now that's the sort of mischief I subscribe to when I pick a Warlock character!
Reminds me of my Archfey Warlock...part of the deal with his patron was that she could "see" through his own eyes (she was trapped in the Feywild by powers-that-be)...his eyes would change color when the Archfey "saw" something interesting...
Cleric: "Wait, so she can see everything you do?"
Warlock: "I don't know when she "tunes in"...but yeah, pretty much."
Cleric: "I mean...ya know...she sees...everything?"
Warlock: (exasperated) "It's...it's best not to think about it."
Oh that's not even the worse part, my Marid patron sent a note in the new vessel as well.
Note from Riptide: "I cannot believe you lost your vessel! If you loose this again, I'll kick your ass! None of my other patrons LOSE THEIR VESSELS! If you had it missing, you should have told me sooner! But, as one of my few remaining patrons, I'll let it slide for now. But I demand a favor. That rat bastard Fraz Urb'luu has stolen 3 of my patrons. I have no idea where they are, as they have destroyed their Genie Vessels. I want you to track them down, talk them into worshipping me again. I derive some of my power from worship, so I need more patrons feeding me worship, or I will start to weaken. And if I weaken, you weaken. Find them, for both of our sakes. Are we clear?"
Yeah. Crotchety old man. XP
I waited a while for this to happen and was wholly prepared. I had dropped hints my Rogue sailor was writing stuff down in a letter to someone, and the party prankster took the bait.
He pickpocketed my character, and the DM allowed me to give the player a printed note with a bunch of runes on it. The thief enlisted the help of the Bard with Comprehend Languages. I handed my prepared translated note to the Bard who proceeded to read it
allowedaloud, stopped once realizing what it was, and started over while singing it to the tune of Ponchielli's Dance of the Hours. If the tune is unfamiliar, look for "hello mudda hello fadduh" on YouTube.The note was as follows:
[verses]
Hello mudduh.... Hello fadduh.
Here I am a-...cross the wattuh.
Sailing's very... entertaining.
I spent lots of gold but also lots remaining.
I went back to... islands Lantan,
Where I met a... girl named Stratton.
On the ship, she... wore a bonnet,
But the seasickness would often make her vomit.
From the islands,.. we sailed southward,
Charging people... by the hour
To teach children... speech and letters,
And this time, I didn't teach them any swear words.
At the next port,.. I went thinking.
No, wait. Scratch that.... I went drinking.
Got in trouble.... Was called "assault."
If they cannot fight, it really isn't my fault.
[bridge]
How... are... you?.. I hope you all are
Do...ing... well.... The kids are taller
I... ex...pect,.. and are they waiting for...
to see... my ship along the shore?
I... miss... you,.. and all the fam'ly,
Miss... them,.. too.... Did Bruno fin'lly
Get... some... sense... into his stubborn head?
I hope... he... is... not... dead....
[verses again]
Wait a minute.... I forgot to
Send the presents... that I bought you.
I will use some... better shipping,
Since the last ship sunk and everything went missing.
I do promise... I'll soon visit.
You'll make dumplings.... They're exquisite.
Look for me in... next three lunars.
Love and kisses from your son, Quomo Boomers.
The only things gleamed was my character's real name and that my character's parents didn't know what he was really doing with the party - rampant piracy.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
we are in a wild magic storm and i am using shape water to navigate us through a palace of ice
Barbarian: next time you turn into a potted plant i will smash you
Me: i cast shape water
I am leader of the yep cult:https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/adohands-kitchen/82135-yep-cult Pronouns are she/her
we had brought 195 gallons of high pressure beer into an area with 3 big bads
DM: a spellcaster casts fireball on it...
one player died and all big bads as well
I am leader of the yep cult:https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/adohands-kitchen/82135-yep-cult Pronouns are she/her
i made a homebrew monster that used mist that is all female
Name: Drow MISTress
I am leader of the yep cult:https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/adohands-kitchen/82135-yep-cult Pronouns are she/her