Exploring Romance in D&D—Without Making Others Uncomfortable

Tags Dungeon Master Tips valentine's day

For many gamers, romance in Dungeons & Dragons is a no-go, and that's understandable. When handled poorly, at best you could have an awkward lack of eye contact after a session, and at worst, a major violation of a player’s sense of safety or comfort at the table. Just because something requires caution, however, doesn’t mean it needs to be avoided. Whether you're bringing Valentine's Day into your game or you have a couple of players whose characters might begin dating, you can explore romance in D&D without making others uncomfortable. It just takes care.

As an individual with my own biases and comfort levels, I recognize that what works well for me might not work at all for others. With this in mind, I reached out to several Dungeon Masters and players from across a spectrum of campaigns and gaming communities to get real-life stories of successful examples of romance used in their games. While the advice contained below comes from diverse points of view, I encourage you to further explore the topic with your own trusted circles.

With that said, let's jump in:

Types of in-game romance

For reference, here's a quick list of the main types of in-game romance:

  • Player character backstory: Usually player-initiated, a romantic partner is established in a character's backstory. The partner may or may not make an appearance in the campaign.
  • NPC-PC romance: Romantic stories involving a player character and an NPC. This romance could be initiated by the player or the Dungeon Master, depending on the situation.
  • PC-PC romance: A romance involving two PCs, which is usually player-initiated.
  • NPC-NPC romance: A romantic story or relationship between two NPCs that is usually Dungeon Master-initiated and likely for plot reasons.

Why include romance at all?

Wizard couples from Tasha's Cauldron of EverythingBefore you begin working on how to include romance in your games, it’s important to first understand why you'd include it in the first place. For some, romance might not be the kind of storytelling that you and your table are interested in engaging in, and that’s okay. For those who are at least romance-curious, here's a list of reasons why it could be valuable and enriching for your game, with examples from Dungeon Masters and players I've spoken with:

  • It can be a source of character development: A player I spoke to told me about a love triangle they engaged in with another player character over a mutual affection for an NPC. The ensuing negotiation over how to flirt with him became a bonding moment not just for the two characters but for the players. Detours like this can also be valuable for storytelling because they can transform NPCs from fleeting transactional info-dumpers into remembered and even beloved encounters.
  • It can grow organically out of roleplay: When it comes to romance between player characters, the most common response I got was that it simply felt like the sparks between their characters grew naturally out of roleplay. Pursuing it—with safety guidelines in place—made sense. This is something you can see play out in some major livestream games, from Critical Role to Battle For Beyond.
  • It can be good counterprogramming: Two different players I spoke to cited Curse of Strahd specifically as an adventure in which they found having a romance between player characters was particularly soothing. One player even went so far as to say that the healthy relationship dynamics facilitated by the party served as a much-needed contrast to the “covetous and toxic obsession that Strahd himself embodies.” This serves as a great example of the benefit to a well-run romantic storyline—it can be the light that some players need in order to buy into a darker or drearier campaign.
  • You just think it would be good for the story: There doesn’t honestly need to be a bigger reason than that. It might just be the kind of campaign you like running. It might be that epic romances are a part of the fantasy genre stories you gravitate toward, and you should feel empowered and excited to run that as part of your campaign or incorporate it into your character’s story as you best see fit.

How to make sure everyone is comfortable

Strixhaven students casting a spell together

Now that you know what value romance can bring to your game, there are a few important things to consider when executing it. Many of these suggestions ultimately boil down to “clear and direct communication.” But since nuance is important when working with individual players, I’ll go in-depth in my breakdown.

Establish consent for all parties involved prior to anything starting

Before consciously entering into a roleplay scenario that involves romantic entanglements, it's important to make sure that everyone is comfortable before proceeding. The hard and soft limits checklist for session zero outlined in Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything is a good starting point for this. It allows players who will never be comfortable with romance to establish a hard no before any scenes are played out. A checklist does not, however, mean that no future check-ins need to be done as the game progresses.

Often with consent checklists, the conversation focuses on what players need from the Dungeon Master and one another. When it comes to in-game flirting, however, a Dungeon Master has just as much right to not consent to players flirting with an NPC if they’re not comfortable roleplaying that out.

The real-life partners of the characters involved in the game should also be considered. I talked to players in a Baldur’s Gate: Descent into Avernus campaign whose characters ended up romantically involved. One of the players spoke to his real-life wife—who was also a player in the game—about her comfort levels before the romance was initiated between his character and the other player's character. Others’ partners just wanted a better sense of the scope of the storyline. A PG-rated romance might be fine, whereas an R-rated one might feel a bit like a grey area. Another player in a game I was part of cited their feelings about being uncomfortable with roleplaying flirtation with someone other than their partner as a reason they weren’t interested in romantic roleplay when the Dungeon Master initiated it.

Remember there is no one-size-fits-all approach

One player told me that she never roleplays romance with a person she’s romantically involved with out of game, for fear that one relationship might bleed too far into the other. Meanwhile, without getting too deep into spoiler territory, at least one significant streaming D&D game famously had a moment where a previously romantic-adverse player felt comfortable exploring a love story only because the other character was played by his real-life wife.

Do not use D&D to explore your own romantic feelings for someone

It’s important to note that the sections above mentioned discussions with people already in romantic relationships outside of the game. If your reason for wanting to initiate a romantic storyline with another player at the table is based on a real-life attraction you feel, it's highly recommended that you halt any pursuit. Using the table for such purposes can often feel manipulative or violate the other player’s trust.

Likewise, players who are mutually interested in pursuing a romantic relationship together and who wish to bring that into the game run the risk of alienating the rest of the table. It’s best to firmly draw the line between reality and fiction.

Avoid isolating players involved in romantic storylines

When characters are part of a romantic storyline, you might be tempted to run sessions or scenes without the rest of the party present. Your intent might be to establish a sense of privacy or even intimacy. But while other players who don't want to be part of romantic scenes should be free to leave the table, isolating players away from the rest of the group can also lead to problems. Power dynamics and a sense of control can soon feel off-kilter.

In these cases, having an impartial third party there as a sort of tonal anchor should be mandatory. It’s better to trust another player not to metagame than to try to pick up the pieces when something has broken badly without any witnesses.

Establish check-ins as the game continues

People’s lives and situations change, and what might have been OK in a previous session might not be OK in a later one. Just because a player decided to flirt with an NPC doesn’t mean they’re open to flirting in-game on a regular basis. Similarly, someone going through a breakup may no longer be comfortable roleplaying romance.

It’s good to have regular check-ins that help you measure comfort levels as a game progresses. One example presented to me was a group in a virtual game where people put words of colors like red, yellow, or green in their display names to indicate their willingness to participate in a given storyline. While you might not feel the need to codify things so clearly, this is a great example of nonverbal communication that allows for the unbroken flow of roleplay while still allowing players to maintain agency.

The goal is to have fun

Many players and Dungeon Masters might see a list of guidelines like this and think: Wow, that seems like a lot to keep in mind, is it even worth it? But a lot of the above points boil down to maintaining clear and direct communication, empathy, and trust.

Prepping yourself and your party members ahead of time with the tools to navigate these kinds of storylines can also help prevent heavier moments as the game plays out. It’s much better to take a moment before the game starts to make sure everyone is comfortable than to have to stop and possibly even end a session or campaign because someone’s concerns weren’t prepared for. Romantic stories can be a bright spot in a game, but they should be treated with the same care and tact as the darkest, most devilish plots a Dungeon Master can imagine.

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Riley Silverman (@rileyjsilverman) is a contributing writer to D&D Beyond, Nerdist, and SYFY Wire. She DMs the Theros-set Dice Ex Machina for the Saving Throw Show, and has been a player on the Wizards of the Coast-sponsored The Broken Pact. Riley also played as Braga in the official tabletop adaptation of the Rat Queens comic for HyperRPG, and currently plays as The Doctor on the Doctor Who RPG podcast The Game of Rassilon. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

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