Upcoming 2020 D&D Content You Won’t Get

Tags comedy

 Happy New Year, adventurers!

It's an exciting time to be in a fantasy tabletop adventure isn't it? Almost as if the real world just isn't putting as much effort into its world-building and character arcs as a small community of thoughtful friends might. Almost! Everything is fine, we are not an anthropomorphic dog in a derby hat drinking coffee, and everything is definitely not on fire.

Anyhow, as we are at this crucial chronological juncture, I thought I would celebrate the upcoming lore and mechanics coming to Dungeons and Dragons. Or rather, since I am a herald of nonsense, what isn't coming. For as creatives work hard to build a functioning, thriving playground for folks around the world to enjoy, they are bound to pile up a never-ending pantheon of absolute nightmares. Nightmares that reveal the weaknesses of not just this game, but of all humanity. Okay maybe these are just dumb jokes but I am trying to dish y'all some levity in January so roll with me here.

So with that I present you all with all of the upcoming 2020 content that, as long as cool heads prevail, you will never actually receive. I apologize in advance if some of these ideas actually seem good to some of you. Satire is complicated that way.

New Subclass: Vanilla Archers

You're just really good at archery. Eventually you can roll with advantage but we have taken out anything related to arcana or magic, because isn't it enough that you just hold a bow really well and can hit something with an arrow perfectly from really far away? You bring it up at a lot of parties. If people talk about how they recently went to one of those novelty axe-throwing places for a party, you make the conversation all about you and how good you are with arrows. If someone brings up heroes, you can't stop talking about how underrated Hawkeye was in The Avengers. If people talk about The Witcher, you're like "I can't watch it, his hair just reminds me of Legolas, and how great that guy was with arrows. Have you guys seen me with a bow and arrows? No? Check this out you guys!" 

You just love arrows so much. Congratulations!

Monks: Way of the Headbutt 

No more punching and kicking, only you use your head for everything. Moves that involves other body parts are all renamed to imply use of the skull, forehead, temples, brow, etc. Functionally not new at all. Try not to think about the physics involved too hard.

New Playable Race: Emo Elves

It seems impossible to run out of elf variant races, so why not try to bullseye some of their most desirable traits and use a pop-culture idiom right in the title?

All emo elves get a –5 penalty to their Constitution rolls, but have have advantage on Charisma checks involving the negotiation of haircuts that involve shaving underneath on the sides.

Emo elves are generally chaotic good, live in punkhouses, and are naturally at war with whether corporate backing ruins artistic integrity in the face of starvation. 

These elves are known to wear denim jackets covered in enamel pins and listen to My Chemical Romance. 

New Chromatic Type: Rose Gold

Just like gold dragons and dragonkin, yet feminine, bold, and fashionable. We figure some of you were already doing this in homebrew, but now you can expect some sweet rose-gold dragon iPhone cases.

Dire Naked Molerats

Like regular naked molerats, only 10 feet long. They don't attack or anything, they're just really big and hard to look at without feeling either affection or vague discomfort.

Collatz Conjecture Sword

Functionally this is a +1 sword. But in order to calculate it, one must first use choose random numbers and use the mathematics conjecture to reach it: 

If the first number is even, divide it by 2.

If the first number is odd, multiply it by 3 and add 1.

Then it gets kind of confusing but it ends up being just the number 1 no matter what you do. You're all smart. Go Google "collatz conjecture" and then come back here and be like, "I've got such a smart and cool sword!" Seem convoluted? Well all that we ask is that you keep in mind that we did all this to give you extra math and feel really good about it. Pat yourself on the back for having the Collatz Conjecture Sword in your campaign, because that is the only benefit of so much math, and also of holding this make believe weapon.

Dire Blind Cave Salamanders

Not to be confused with Dire Axolotls, which look and sound more fun but were too hard for us to playtest. Much like the Dire Naked Molerat they just kind of run around or sit there, but they are fun when you want to give a vague "At The Mountains of Madness" vibe to a campaign and Dire Blind Penguins seem a little too on the nose. 

  

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That should do it for my first 2020 installment of untruths. I hope the holidays have treated you well and the future holds heroism aplenty. If there is any other content you're looking forward to not seeing in 2020, I have great news. The abyss of anti-creativity yawns wide before us all, and should we gaze too long at any darkness the possibilities of what we can avoid ever making stretches into infinity. I hope you enjoy what actually gets made instead, through snark or sincerity.

Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.

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