Ran a game a while back where a player accused me of being racist towards there PC, but here's the thing they wanted to play a Tabaxi who was a fox. I agreed so long as the character was only using tabaxi stats but was played as a Fae realm race we called Kitsune. I used British fae lore in my game setting which includes that Fae don't ever give their true names out as it could be used to control them. Well their character was already using an alias but when a gate guard told them not to worry about the name thing as he'd accept an alias, the player decided that was racist.
How am I actually supposed to deal with that?
They didn't even say anything until they ranted at me after the session yet did majorly disrupt the rest of the session for everyone else by practically locking everyone in a "room" to talk about irrelevant stuff (regarding the current quest and game)
"I'd like to start my response by apologizing. I did not mean to trigger any feelings of racism toward your character or anything else like that. I always do my best to host D&D games that are inclusive, welcoming, and safe for all players. Even where the lore of the game setting can touch on difficult subjects, I do my best to hear and adapt to feedback like this. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
All of that said, I don't think I'm the right DM for you and the style of play you seek. I think, from now on, it's best for everyone involved if we don't game together. I hope you find a game more tailored to your needs and sense of fun. All the best."
You adapted your game for this player so they could have the character they hoped for despite it not fitting your initial setting design. They made no accommodations for the lore of your setting, which does not fully match their ideas. They should have met you somewhere closer to the middle. They also ranted at you about the game and disrupted everyone else by locking them out?
This is where I've learned to accept that while everyone is welcome and able to play D&D the way they like, not everyone is welcome at my table. Leading with disruptions like that is a fast track to me admitting I'm not your ideal DM.
Also, related question - Do you use an 'X Card' at your table?
It sounds like they went way way overboard. I mean, my understanding is that the NPC said not to worry about giving his true name and would accept an alias. That's being accommodating to another culture's intense beliefs, which isn't racism. Personally, that sounds like the guard was being inclusive, and I'm not sure why your player got upset. So, first I would find out why he thought it was racist. Did he maybe think it was lore-breaking for a guard to accommodate a fae and used the wrong word when trying to explain why he was upset or was it something else that triggered him?
Either way, I would let him know that it's not appropriate to bring the session to a halt and then lock other members out of the discussion so you can rant and yell at someone, DM or fellow player. That's a good way to get kicked out of a game.
There are some topics that are really upsetting for even rational players. Sometimes finding out first if there's anything that would be triggering is a good idea, but it can be awkward so most people don't ask.
At this point, what I would do is ask the other players how they feel about what happened, and then talk to the player who got upset. This way you know what your group is collectively thinking/feeling. If he's able to be calm and rational while you guys talk, then let him explain his side and go from there. If it's something you all can't move past, then he may have to find someone else's table to join.
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Ran a game a while back where a player accused me of being racist towards there PC, but here's the thing they wanted to play a Tabaxi who was a fox. I agreed so long as the character was only using tabaxi stats but was played as a Fae realm race we called Kitsune. I used British fae lore in my game setting which includes that Fae don't ever give their true names out as it could be used to control them. Well their character was already using an alias but when a gate guard told them not to worry about the name thing as he'd accept an alias, the player decided that was racist.
How am I actually supposed to deal with that?
They didn't even say anything until they ranted at me after the session yet did majorly disrupt the rest of the session for everyone else by practically locking everyone in a "room" to talk about irrelevant stuff (regarding the current quest and game)
"I'd like to start my response by apologizing. I did not mean to trigger any feelings of racism toward your character or anything else like that. I always do my best to host D&D games that are inclusive, welcoming, and safe for all players. Even where the lore of the game setting can touch on difficult subjects, I do my best to hear and adapt to feedback like this. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
All of that said, I don't think I'm the right DM for you and the style of play you seek. I think, from now on, it's best for everyone involved if we don't game together. I hope you find a game more tailored to your needs and sense of fun. All the best."
You adapted your game for this player so they could have the character they hoped for despite it not fitting your initial setting design. They made no accommodations for the lore of your setting, which does not fully match their ideas. They should have met you somewhere closer to the middle. They also ranted at you about the game and disrupted everyone else by locking them out?
This is where I've learned to accept that while everyone is welcome and able to play D&D the way they like, not everyone is welcome at my table. Leading with disruptions like that is a fast track to me admitting I'm not your ideal DM.
Also, related question - Do you use an 'X Card' at your table?
You should clarify what fae lore you're going off of. Their disrespect might be from misunderstanding to lore.
It sounds like they went way way overboard. I mean, my understanding is that the NPC said not to worry about giving his true name and would accept an alias. That's being accommodating to another culture's intense beliefs, which isn't racism. Personally, that sounds like the guard was being inclusive, and I'm not sure why your player got upset. So, first I would find out why he thought it was racist. Did he maybe think it was lore-breaking for a guard to accommodate a fae and used the wrong word when trying to explain why he was upset or was it something else that triggered him?
Either way, I would let him know that it's not appropriate to bring the session to a halt and then lock other members out of the discussion so you can rant and yell at someone, DM or fellow player. That's a good way to get kicked out of a game.
There are some topics that are really upsetting for even rational players. Sometimes finding out first if there's anything that would be triggering is a good idea, but it can be awkward so most people don't ask.
At this point, what I would do is ask the other players how they feel about what happened, and then talk to the player who got upset. This way you know what your group is collectively thinking/feeling. If he's able to be calm and rational while you guys talk, then let him explain his side and go from there. If it's something you all can't move past, then he may have to find someone else's table to join.