Base Class: Wizard
A wizard who is unable to cast spells isn't much of a wizard. What's more, leading a wizardly lifestyle in pursuit of one's failed attempt to master the arcane often means such a person is also unsuited for virtually any other invocation as well. These individuals are often written off as clumsy, unskilled, or just plain daft; but are not totally without their uses. They are referred to as wizzards (note the double-z); and each one of them has a million-to-one chance of saving the world.
And as everyone knows: a million-to-one chance succeeds nine times out of ten.
Wizzardry Features
Wizard Level | Feature |
---|---|
2nd | Magic School Dropout, Coward, Fight-or-Flight, Wheel of Misfortunes |
6th | Anti-Mage, Hasty Retreat |
10th | Life on the Run, Marathon of Terror |
14th | Backed into a Corner, Desperate Measures |
"Wizzardry" arcane tradition based on the character of Rincewind from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. Rincewind and the word "Wizzard" © Terry Prachett. "Rincewind" illustrated by Paul Kidby.
Magic School Dropout
When you adopt this tradition at 2nd level, you come to the realization that spellcasting really isn't for you. As hard as you've studied, you never managed to learn anything past the most basic of spells, and even those are beginning to fade from your mind.
You do not add any additional spells to your spellbook when you level up. Each time you cast a spell or cantrip you know, that spell or cantrip is removed from your spellbook, and you are unable to cast it ever again. You are also unable to copy new spells into your spellbook.
You gain no benefit from the Spell Mastery and Signature Spells features at 18th and 20th level, respectively, in this class. Instead you gain an additional 2nd level spell slot when you reach 18th level, and an additional 3rd level spell slot when you reach 20th level.
Coward
At 2nd level, most wizards have access to spells, giving them a sense of confidence in the face of danger. But you are useless at magic, and therefore, when danger abounds, you bound away.
You have disadvantage on saving throws against being frightened. Additionally, as a bonus action on your turn, or as a reaction when a hostile creature makes an attack against you or comes within 30 feet of you for the first time on a turn, you can spend a spell slot to become frightened for a number of minutes equal to the level of the spell slot spent, or until you lose concentration (as though concentrating on a spell).
Fight-or-Flight
Starting at 2nd level, the frightened condition works differently for you. Unlike true heroes, who are unaccustomed to a sense of mortal terror, and therefore crippled by it when they finally experience it, you spend most of your time fearing for your life. You have honed your fight-or-flight response to a keen survival skill. With an emphasis on the word "survival".
While you are frightened, you gain the following benefits:
- You have advantage rather than disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while the source of your fear is within line of sight.
- You have resistance to all damage.
- You can take a bonus action on each of your turns in combat. This action can be used only to take the Dash, Disengage, or Hide action.
However, you still can’t willingly move closer to the source of your fear while you are frightened.
You can spend a spell slot to become frightened even if you are already frightened by another source. If you do so, the previous frightened condition ends and is replaced by the condition applied by the spent spell slot.
Wheel of Misfortunes
At 2nd level, you have a knack for solving relatively minor problems by inadvertently causing relatively major disasters. You gain the Lucky feat as a bonus feat.
Anti-Mage
Starting at 6th level, your disassociation with magic as a whole becomes so complete that even spells cast by other people want nothing to with you. You now have advantage on saving throws against spells and other magical effects, and spell attacks have disadvantage against you.
Hasty Retreat
Also beginning at 6th level, when you spend a spell slot of 3rd level or higher to become frightened, you gain the benefits of the haste spell in addition to the other benefits you gain from the condition. This effect replicates the effect of the spell, but is not itself magical, and lasts for the duration of the frightened condition.
Life on the Run
By 10th level, your constant flights for your life have greatly improved both your hand-eye coordination and built up your stamina. You gain proficiency in Dexterity and Constitution saving throws.
Marathon of Terror
Also beginning at 10th level, you are able to maintain the adrenaline rush of your fight-or-flight response for longer periods of time. When you spend a spell slot to become frightened, the condition lasts for a number of minutes equal to twice the level of the spell slot spent.
Backed into a Corner
Starting at 14th level, when you spend a spell slot of 6th level or higher to become frightened, you can choose to gain the benefits of the Tenser's transformation spell instead of the haste spell. The Tenser's transformation spell lasts for the duration of the frightened condition.
Desperate Measures
Also beginning at 14th level you are no longer restricted from willingly moving closer to the source of your fear while you are frightened.

This actually may not be as useless as it initially appears. Losing spells sounds crippling but you can still get value in combat from your bootleg extra attack (with advantage) via fear-induced Haste, bonus action dash combined with already doubled movement, boosted AC and saving throws, and debatably the best feat in the game. Between the lot of those features you'll be the most durable Wizard the Forgotten Realms have yet seen, and it only takes a longbow to make you a real threat to the things that scare you!
Hillarious. Would definitely add a level of Rincewindian chaos to a campaign!
Meme subclass. Reminds me of garlic bread domain
If it weren't comedically useless, I would seriously consider playing this.