did 2 in-person today encounters (part of a larger far north themed campaign with some influence from Frozen II): the first was against a young remorhaz with a l6 ranger at 1/2 HP max to help (the group was 6 l4s; a life cleric, three fighters, a literal draconic sorcerer, and an unforgettable bard who has drowned the sorcerer previously. Long story on the sorcerer's revival; I tell you later IF and ONLY IF you ask). Anyway the bard (a water genasi) did dancing lights to distract the thing, I rolled an randomness check (roll a d20, add nothing, see the number, and go from there, with no contest or AC/DC (LOL) to match), rolled a 1 for little R. Then the bard did create water on the creepo and it got stuck in the ice (this was in a subzero terrain campaign) and the fighter (with magic initiate-wizard) ice knifed it and finished it off. (That was after they did both burning hands and a ray of frost on the remorhaz). I awarded 500 xp apiece for that clever planning (it would have been 1800 XP).
The second was in a cold monastery where they were supposed to fight 6 l3 monks and a l6 monks (as monsters), but then it took a turn for the worse.
That bard (yes the same bard) did 2nd lvl sleep on the boss and somehow, it worked. At that, I allowed pandemonium ensue. the monks were trying to get out the door (which they magically time-locked so no one could leave until midnight; this was still in the daylight hours, so that was an epic fail). All but 1 monk got killed (one with a critical unarmed strike kick; i did double damage, the monk died); I had the last one climb to the roof and break out that way. I awarded 400 xp apiece for the almost effortless ease of beating them (it was supposed to be 2300 XP). (the boss is still unconscious, so IDK what will happen to him). That was supposed to be at least an easy encounter (6 cr1 monsters and a cr4 monster for a group of 6 l4 and a l6); that sleep made it a trivial but comical encounter LOL
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Rogue Shadow, the DM (and occasional) PC with schemes of inventive thinking
So, my player, who was playing a level 8 cleric of Gond, the god of creation and balance, was having his first game where he was lawful good. He was not following his alignment so much (Going on rampages and litterally killing the other PC's) that I devised a plan. His deity, Gond, came down to him and gave him a warning. He didnt get the hint. He kept being a chaotic neutral player. So, I had his Deity, Gond, share custody of him with Asmodeus, so he became the first (That I have seen) cleric/warlock. His response:
My Bugbear Rogue Pirate, Jax, joined a group after another PC died and the player left the group. In our first session, Jax arrives at the camp as the party brings the lifeless body of their comrade back for burial rites. The leader, a Human Paladin, is so overtaken with grief, she storms into the forest and begins hitting trees to let loose some pent up anger. Jax follows—as a Pirate with a 6 INT, he wants to pledge his service to the ‘Captain’ of the group. Seeing the Paladin punching trees after the death of a team member, Jax believes this to be a ‘land lubber’ ritual to honor the dead and begins punching trees as well. The group got much needed some comic relief, and now it is cannon in the group. Someone dies? Punch a tree.
I was running DoIP for some friends and had a modron NPC drinking in tavern and the paladin gave him money and he said something along the lines of " I shall gorge myself on cakes and ale and proceeds to stuff themselves with sweets and alchohol, needless to say, the party had a good time of this.
Same game I mentioned earlier, running mountain’s toe gold mine, and everything’s looking good, only the Paladin(s) have taken damage, but one of the werewolves bites the gunslinger and he contracts lycanthropy, everybody had a good laugh.
So I'm running a pirate game, homebrew setting, players are having fun, I'm having fun, good times. It's the end of a particularly productive session, the crew had gained a fair bit of notoriety in the pirate city of 'Freeport' (Super original name), and had just woken up after a long night of hard drinking. Enter Captain Adonis, an Errol Flynn type lawful stupid NPC meant to be a rival and occasional annoyance for the crew. He gives a speech about how he is taking over the ship, and together they will rid the seas of the pirate scourge. He then is meant to cut a rope, swing around on a jig, leap to another rope, catch it, and ride it safely to the deck ala Jack Sparrow. But I am fair, I roll for it... First roll to ride the jig, 1, dex save to avoid falling to the deck, 1. His leg gets tangled in the rope, he swings hard, and bashes his head on the railing of the ship, breaking his neck and killing him. Crew laughs well into next session, I go back to creating NPC's... Gotta love when Gary curses the DM's dice.
I played in a campaign with a lizardfolk barbarian, a elf prostitute bard, an elf wizard(me) and a lich pc. We were cornered by two cultists in rivergard keep and My wizard panicked and used a 30 foot fireball, in a 20*20 room (wisdom was the dump stat)... I almost killed the whole party, but I killed the cultists too!
Minotaur Barbarian went looking for a library in town, rolled a 3, so I told him he found a building, it had books, and he spent the next few hours reading childrens books trying to get information on the cult.
Player asked if he could start reading to children to try and change the scared image of a minotaur, rolled a 15 for performance, made 3 silver from the store owner as he brough alot more passing trade in.
Player then asked one of the children about the cult symbol, didn't have the symbol on him, intelligence test to remember it to draw it, rolled very low. Told the minotaur the picture he drew, at the wrong angle seems very rude, as you show it to the child his mother sees it, gives you a look of disgust and leads the child out the door huffing loudly.
Some friends and I had just finished looting a dragons hoard and decided to take the body of the dragon(he was a man, but he turned into a dragon at the beginning of combat). As we were leaving the room was suddenly being filled with sand, we all started to panic and the dragonborn decides to try and dig out the exit. A while back a carpet saved my life by flying out and catching me during a free fall, so I decide to use the carpet to get to one of the large holes that are pouring sand into the room, my rolls checked out and I flew through the roof and into PURE. DESERT. I come back down and explain whats going on. We entered the room through a ritual stand and the only way to reach it was to dig out the door way that was now entirely consumed by sand. After a few minutes of working we dug out a large enough hole to escape. we make it back to the stand and teleport back to the house we found it in. The stand was in a false wall that our dragonborn tore down(this is important to the story). We get outside and immediately, our warforge decides to make a special show out of the corpse of the dead general/dragon we defeated, he asks the DM if he can decapitate the body and put his head on the end of his fishing pole, the DM is skeptical but he said yes. Just as he was finishing his new toy, the royal guard showed up and saw what he was doing to the general of their army. Instinctively I said it's not what it looks like and was about to explain when the warforge brought down his beak and prepped his swords. the royal guard eventually wrestled him to the ground and pinned him, they were about to do the same to me but I told their leader what was really going on, I told him about the wall and the hoard, along with what their general real was, he sent a guard to look at the house, after a few minutes they said that my story checked out, that was the weirdest thing I ever had to save my party from the police.
What? Are you telling me that when a very trustworthy tree comes out of the woods and walks up to you to tell you that it is a tree, you wouldn’t believe it? Can you not see how obviously treeish the evident tree is? And why would the tree tell me it was a tree unless it was a tree? Huh? Huh?
My absolute favorite story comes from a solo 3.5 campaign I ran for my sister. As she decided on a dual-wielding drow ranger (yes, I know, we were fans and we were also teenagers) I put together some additional NPCs to round out her party. First was a fighter, than a rogue, then a blood-based sorcerer, a ranger/barbarian nomad, and a monk. Lots of fun, interesting characters, and the crap they'd get up to...
Anyway, the ranger is level 9 at this point, so the characters are all well established in their classes. Ranger was trying to find the companion to his current scimitar, which was supposedly locked away in a massive underground dungeon...except when they arrive, it's a single room, with a pedestal that's JUST the right shape for his current weapon.
My sister goes "Okay, everybody, go stand outside. I'm going to place my weapon down." I cock an eyebrow and ask if she really planned to do that, and she said yep, her character will 100% do that. I ask again. She still confirms. I have her character's best friend, the fighter, ask if the ranger was REALLY SURE he wanted them outside.
You can see where this is going.
Ranger places the sword, the whole room drops, and Ranger is now stuck, by himself, on a one-way elevator to a nine room dungeon designed for up to 8 level 9 characters.
She still hasn't lived it down lol. Although, considering this ranger also once got repeatedly eaten by a bone dragon too stupid to realize it was dead, and also successfully convinced a band of brigands that he was a cannibal using nothing but soggy bread and raspberry jam, I can't exactly say I'm surprised.
I was playing a Tabaxi wizard. We were fighting a tiger, and it had retreated, waiting to ambush us. We knew it was around somewhere, and that it would probably attack the mostly-dead rogue next. My turn came, and the only thing I could think of to do, was to imitate the mating call of a female tiger!
I rolled a nat 1.
The whole table was in hysterics. When we could finally pay attention to the DM, he announced that I had succeeded— but the tiger was actually a female, and now considered me a rival for mating opportunities! Needless to say, it slaughtered me. I did save the rogue, though!
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I live with several severe autoimmune conditions. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s probably because I’m not feeling well.
i have a really stupid group so we have a lot of really funny stories but this is one of them...
one of my friends is a really fat dwarf and he and everyone else encountered an army of bugbears. the warlord came over and they were really scared so the dwarf yelled out to me (the dm) "I WANNA DANCE TO MAKE HIM HAPPY!!!" so i said "ok whatever." and he rolled a one with -7 performance and so he made the worst dance ever and the bugbears started laughing so hard that they let them go.
so now every time they see a bugbear they look at me in a really happy way and i just say "you know what u wanna do... role" and they are always best friends with bugbears
I started this group with some of my friends and everyone is having fun around the 3ed session we start to realize something about our party rouge, she is absolutely horrible at being a rouge! She has a plus 4 in stealth but she must roll a nat 1 every session! It’s not her fault she just has bad luck with Stealth rolls.
my favorite time she rolled a nat 1 was when we where sneaking down a hill side to group of goblins, ( we where level 1 at the time so it would have been a mildly tough fight) and yep she rolls a nat 1 for stealth my dad the DM says that sense the hill is steep she trips and take fall damage sense she was low heath anyway she gets knocked out right in front of the goblins alerting them to our group. Luckily we managed to defeat them and lived to yell at the rouge another day!
My group jokes a lot about how she should do pretty much any other kind of career. At least we get a lot of stories to tell from her!
My players recently started a riot. They were escorting a merchant caravan to an inn, entering the city through the closest point, which was the slum. I described it as very crowded, and that a number of sickly-looking children and beggars noticed them and ran up, each one trying to prove that he/she was in the most desperate need of the party’s charity. I figured they’d do something like give one gold piece to each person, and then move along.
Instead, the fighter says, “I take fifteen gp, and throw them out on the ground,” demonstrating the gesture by throwing his arms out wide. The other players all got a panicked look, but it was too late to stop it: every person within 300 feet came stampeding towards the rain of money!
I had everybody roll dex saves to avoid the herd. The fighter and the paladin (the two with the most hp) made their saves, jumping onto the wagons they were escorting, but the artificer, wizard, and warlock all failed, taking bludgeoning damage as the crowd trampled them. Then the wizard starts talking about Minor Illusion-ing the image of a lion to scare the crowd away! The other PCs had objections to this, but I had her roll a perception check anyways. She got a three, and I let her know that there was no place she could see to put it, where it wouldn’t be on top of someone. Then she asks what would happen if the bells of the nearby cathedral began to ring, and I said it would draw the people away, because they would think that the festival scheduled for tomorrow had started early.
I didn’t bother rolling insight for the crowd, because I didn’t want to punish the party too much for trying to be generous! The peasants headed off to the church, expecting food and drink. The party decided to hide the fighter underneath a blanket in their cart so he wouldn’t attract any more attention, and they made it to the inn without any further incidents. They got the merchants settled, snuck the fighter into a room in the inn, and then went to the cathedral and donated a hundred gp to feed the hungry people who had been tricked into going there!
And then the paladin, after I casually mentioned that a few straggling, sickly children were still watching him (his background is Far Traveller), spent all of his Lay On Hands ability uses to heal as many as he could, and then announced he’d heal more of them the next day. I couldn’t stop a wide grin spreading across my face as the other players berated him for making the same mistake as the fighter had! Naturally, when the next day came, a large crowd of sick people was waiting outside of the inn for him!
The short version is that the party managed to brand themselves messiahs in this city within an hour of arriving! Now every time they come back (they own an estate about four miles outside of town) they distribute money and healing, and are followed wherever they go. I’m thinking of giving them a stealth mission in this city, just to see how they try to avoid being recognized!
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I live with several severe autoimmune conditions. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s probably because I’m not feeling well.
So the artificer of the party got his steel defender, showed a picture of it (4 legged animal, looks kind of like a dog) and the satyr player instantly said, oh it’s a doggie. Artificer in game got very defensive and insisted that no it is not a dog.
2 sessions later they are fighting skeletons, steel defender kills the first, I describe how this dog type metal creature grabs the thigh bone of a skeleton an pulls it out, holding it in its mouth it then almost tries to wag its rear end and look up at the artificer before dropping the bone at his feet. That combat the steel defender killed 4 skeletons, so by the end there was a nice collection of bones which, after combat, the artificer caught the steel defender trying to bury.
My party and I were shipwrecked on the island of an insane Blue Dragonborn hunter. He gave us 48 hours to survive being hunted. But 2 hours in, and my Water Genasi Druid ended the entire situation. Here's how:
Lurking amongst the branches, Neptune's blue skin was soaked with sweat. He could barely see out from the tree he was hiding in, but he dared not to peek out. All Neptune could hear was the steady drum of the ocean, and his own rattled breathing.
"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" called a gravely voice. The sound was quickly absorbed into the dense foliage without echo. "I know you're near!"
As the voice approached, Neptune caught sight of the monster underneath the trees. The Dragonborn had one scaly hand wrapped around a scimitar's hilt, while the other dangled at his side. For a moment, Neptune stared at the hunter's blue scales and yellowed horn. Impulsive rage boiled in his blood. Monstrous dog! Neptune thought. Hunting for sport, hunting people! Vengeful anger boiled over, and he leapt down from the tree.
As Neptune's feet landed on the rough forest floor, the hunter smiled. A cruel, maniacal smile. Remembering the druid elder's teachings, Neptune raised his blue hands and uttered a few words to the spirits of the ocean. Purple fog emanated from his hands, then lashed out towards the Dragonborn. Whips of violet light swirled around the hunter and grappled his hands, feet, body, and neck.
The insane hunter groaned out "What is this magic?!" His blue scales began to shrink, becoming paler and smoother. The tan horn that crowned his head also shrunk and vanished. The Dragonborn could feel his nose smoothing over, and his vision shrunk as his eyes moved to either side of his head. When the excruciating experience was over, the hunter found himself flopping on the ground.
Neptune had turned him into a fish!
Neptune also underwent a transformation, replacing blue skin with brown feathers, and extending his nose and mouth into a yellow beak. The now-eagle Neptune grasped the fish in his talons and soared into the sky. Higher and higher the pair went, until the clouds of the night sky were below them. After that, Neptune dropped the fish. The hunter was no more.
First time posting here, but I am a long time D&D player/DM... (long story for a first time but it is a fun one and still goes to this day the dwarf is still played by the same player too)
This is a story from a campaign that I created, at this time we have a Human Mnk, Dwarf ftr/rog, High-elf Wiz, and a Half-elf drd. All of them level 4. At this iteration we were still playing 3.5 - the party had found themselves in an ancient abandoned dwarven mountain that had been overrun by orcs. Their goal was to do some house cleaning, not specifically to empty the place out but to bring down the orc population (the towns folk weren't too trusting of the group as they had failed a few negotiation attempts in an earlier session).
Now a slight side step - the Dwarf had just picked up the feat 'two-weapon fighting' about 3 sessions earlier and had earned a new war axe +1 from the encounter when they leveled but they hadn't run into combat since.
Fast forward about 3 hours into the night and we are on combat number 3, the party is facing 4 orcs and a couple stirges that they managed to wake up with all the noise. Everyone is doing well and we get to the dwarfs turn his family warhammer in one hand and his new axe in the other:
Dwarf: I swing at the nearest orc with my warhammer (rolls to hit and succeeds damage ensues)...
Me: (staring at him expectantly for a moment) OK... (when the dwarf doesn't continue) and next in initiative is...
- This same interaction happens for the whole fight until the party comes out victorious and I am left scratching my head for a moment as the dwarf isn't using all his potential, but he is a bit of an oddball (story for another time).
We are now about 6 hours into our session (it was a day off from work so we did about 8 hours that day) and the group is now embattled with 4 orc priestesses ,1 orc shaman, 2 wolves (conjured), and 3 orc guards.
Queue dwarfs turn for combat;
Dwarf: (having taken a potion of spider climb and fighting from the ceiling upside down) I swing with my warhammer and a priestess! (rolls a crit and sneak attack damage) Nice! what happens? Me: (stiffling a laugh because of the mental image of an upside down dwarf smashing an orc with a warhammer amused me) Well, seeing as you have gravity and the element of surprise your warhammer finds perfect purchase at the orcs nose and you see a violent spray of blood fly backwards as the momentum of your war hammer heaves the orc priestess back into her coven, are you going to do anything else?
Dwarf: nope I'm good
Me: can I see your character sheet? (dwarf hands me his sheet I make an OBVIOUS motion to look at his feats and skills then hand it back to him) Are you sure you are done?
Dwarf: (takes a moment with a confused expression looking over his sheet) yea I think I"m done...
(queue our mutual friend the monk to realize what I was looking at as the monk now starts to snicker to himself)
The battle continues and goes to the dwarfs next turn - same battle tactic, only this time I make a visible gesture showing the dwarf striking the target as though I were holding 2 weapons, once again asking if he was going to do anything else. Again he passed his initiative.
3rd round of combat - same thing, this time however I tell him to READ his feats out loud... As he does he reaches the 'two-weapon fighting' feat and promptly starts laughing and says "So that's what you meant this whole time!" as the table erupts into laughter.
However, it didn't end there, apparently he was having a forgetful night as in the next battle that they encountered HE DID IT AGAIN!
At this point I couldn't take it so as he passed his turn, once again only using his warhammer I could only think of one thing to say:
Me: Ok as you swing your warhammer you hear the audible crunch as you break bone, while you bring your arm back getting ready to swing you take a moment to look into your other hand and think to yourself 'ooh, shiny axe'.
Table starts to laugh again, the dwarf however, got a odd smirk - and for the rest of the fight within the ancient dwarven caverns you could hear the dwarf during combat call out "ooh, shiny axe" as he decimated his foes.
The artificer is talking to this high elf noble at a bar, and get this, he drank all the wine and then spit on the artificers personally made, 200 gp suit. He calmly walks away, and decides to make the most offensive homunculus he can. He makes a homunculus shaped like a p e n i s. And throws it at him. The noble responds with “I have hundreds of these.” That bar is now just ashes, due to the artificer throwing chlorine bombs and pipe bombs everywhere. We now refer to penises as homunculi.
These words were the start of a rather odd tale for one of my halfling rogues in AD&D.
Queue dramatic scene with a band of adventurers riding their horses along the hills of the human farmlands, for some strange reason the rogue and the barbarian are leading the intrepid group this particular day. In the distance smoke can be seen billowing up from some unfortunate town that mostly likely had been raided days ago by brigands or other na'er do wells.
The group of adventurers have finally made their way to the outskirts of the small village and out of game the players almost all in unison count down with hushed voices.. "3,2,1 orcs!"
Sure enough the DM announces that orcs start to advance from behind debris and rocks, the DM had a penchant for throwing as many orcs as he could in his campaigns, they apparently reproduced faster and grew faster than most viruses or cockroaches...
Before any of the players have a chance to respond the DM has the orcs attack in a flurry, most of them missing horribly. But one of them manages to find purchase. in. my. leg.
The orc rolls a crit and severs my leg clean off just above the knee, killing my horse in the process. I manage to tip the horse towards the severed leg, rolled high enough on constitution to stay awake and rolled to safety as I didn't have a leg attached to pin me under the horse.
In the ensuing chaos our mage manages to make his way over and cauterized my leg with burning hands, I once again manage to retain consciousness. As I watch the battle rage I look around hoping to find something to attach to my leg so I can hobble my way through battle... I only manage to come up with one idea.
I remove the sword from my sheath as well as the belt that held it in place and proceed to strap the sword to my stub as a makeshift peg leg. Now I am looking around the field and notice the barbarian has cornered the orc who cut off my leg as I hobble my way through the carnage, as I arrive next to the barbarian I yell out to him.
"Don't kill him, he's mine, he killed my horse and took off my leg!" The barbarian looks at me and starts to grin, he take a massive swing and breaks the leg of the orc causing it to fall prone on the ground.
Now - at this point I get up from the table and mimic the actions of my character. I proceed to inform the DM that this little halfling rogue with a short sword peg leg is going to jump up and down with said short sword peg leg as though it were a pogostick yelling at this orc as I stab it repeatedly...
"This. is. for. killing. my. horse!" continuing to jump yelling out between each stab, "and. this. is. for. cutting. off. my. leg!"
After the ensuing laughter from the adventuring group watching this little halfling aerate an orc, I proceed to ask our fighter for the oilskin wrap that he carries. With a confused look he hands it to me and I have the fighter and the barbarian both lift my dead horse as I pull out the severed leg. Wrapped it in the oilskin cloth tightly bind it and toss it in my backpack.
They all look at me confused until stoically I respond, "I am keeping it so I can get it regenerated back on..."
And that my friends is how a pissed off halfling rogue kills an orc after loosing a limb.
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This was on the 1st, but still
did 2 in-person today encounters (part of a larger far north themed campaign with some influence from Frozen II): the first was against a young remorhaz with a l6 ranger at 1/2 HP max to help (the group was 6 l4s; a life cleric, three fighters, a literal draconic sorcerer, and an unforgettable bard who has drowned the sorcerer previously. Long story on the sorcerer's revival; I tell you later IF and ONLY IF you ask). Anyway the bard (a water genasi) did dancing lights to distract the thing, I rolled an randomness check (roll a d20, add nothing, see the number, and go from there, with no contest or AC/DC (LOL) to match), rolled a 1 for little R. Then the bard did create water on the creepo and it got stuck in the ice (this was in a subzero terrain campaign) and the fighter (with magic initiate-wizard) ice knifed it and finished it off. (That was after they did both burning hands and a ray of frost on the remorhaz). I awarded 500 xp apiece for that clever planning (it would have been 1800 XP).
The second was in a cold monastery where they were supposed to fight 6 l3 monks and a l6 monks (as monsters), but then it took a turn for the worse.
That bard (yes the same bard) did 2nd lvl sleep on the boss and somehow, it worked. At that, I allowed pandemonium ensue. the monks were trying to get out the door (which they magically time-locked so no one could leave until midnight; this was still in the daylight hours, so that was an epic fail). All but 1 monk got killed (one with a critical unarmed strike kick; i did double damage, the monk died); I had the last one climb to the roof and break out that way. I awarded 400 xp apiece for the almost effortless ease of beating them (it was supposed to be 2300 XP). (the boss is still unconscious, so IDK what will happen to him). That was supposed to be at least an easy encounter (6 cr1 monsters and a cr4 monster for a group of 6 l4 and a l6); that sleep made it a trivial but comical encounter LOL
Rogue Shadow, the DM (and occasional) PC with schemes of inventive thinking
So, my player, who was playing a level 8 cleric of Gond, the god of creation and balance, was having his first game where he was lawful good. He was not following his alignment so much (Going on rampages and litterally killing the other PC's) that I devised a plan. His deity, Gond, came down to him and gave him a warning. He didnt get the hint. He kept being a chaotic neutral player. So, I had his Deity, Gond, share custody of him with Asmodeus, so he became the first (That I have seen) cleric/warlock. His response:
"Hell yeah."
I Love Gelatinous Cubes
And Gelatinous Humanoids.
I am a full supporter of the LGBTQ+ community.
Black Lives matter
Dont forget your mask!
My Bugbear Rogue Pirate, Jax, joined a group after another PC died and the player left the group. In our first session, Jax arrives at the camp as the party brings the lifeless body of their comrade back for burial rites. The leader, a Human Paladin, is so overtaken with grief, she storms into the forest and begins hitting trees to let loose some pent up anger. Jax follows—as a Pirate with a 6 INT, he wants to pledge his service to the ‘Captain’ of the group. Seeing the Paladin punching trees after the death of a team member, Jax believes this to be a ‘land lubber’ ritual to honor the dead and begins punching trees as well. The group got much needed some comic relief, and now it is cannon in the group. Someone dies? Punch a tree.
I was running DoIP for some friends and had a modron NPC drinking in tavern and the paladin gave him money and he said something along the lines of " I shall gorge myself on cakes and ale and proceeds to stuff themselves with sweets and alchohol, needless to say, the party had a good time of this.
Mystic v3 should be official, nuff said.
Same game I mentioned earlier, running mountain’s toe gold mine, and everything’s looking good, only the Paladin(s) have taken damage, but one of the werewolves bites the gunslinger and he contracts lycanthropy, everybody had a good laugh.
Mystic v3 should be official, nuff said.
So I'm running a pirate game, homebrew setting, players are having fun, I'm having fun, good times. It's the end of a particularly productive session, the crew had gained a fair bit of notoriety in the pirate city of 'Freeport' (Super original name), and had just woken up after a long night of hard drinking. Enter Captain Adonis, an Errol Flynn type lawful stupid NPC meant to be a rival and occasional annoyance for the crew. He gives a speech about how he is taking over the ship, and together they will rid the seas of the pirate scourge. He then is meant to cut a rope, swing around on a jig, leap to another rope, catch it, and ride it safely to the deck ala Jack Sparrow. But I am fair, I roll for it... First roll to ride the jig, 1, dex save to avoid falling to the deck, 1. His leg gets tangled in the rope, he swings hard, and bashes his head on the railing of the ship, breaking his neck and killing him. Crew laughs well into next session, I go back to creating NPC's... Gotta love when Gary curses the DM's dice.
I played in a campaign with a lizardfolk barbarian, a elf prostitute bard, an elf wizard(me) and a lich pc. We were cornered by two cultists in rivergard keep and My wizard panicked and used a 30 foot fireball, in a 20*20 room (wisdom was the dump stat)... I almost killed the whole party, but I killed the cultists too!
Minotaur Barbarian went looking for a library in town, rolled a 3, so I told him he found a building, it had books, and he spent the next few hours reading childrens books trying to get information on the cult.
Player asked if he could start reading to children to try and change the scared image of a minotaur, rolled a 15 for performance, made 3 silver from the store owner as he brough alot more passing trade in.
Player then asked one of the children about the cult symbol, didn't have the symbol on him, intelligence test to remember it to draw it, rolled very low. Told the minotaur the picture he drew, at the wrong angle seems very rude, as you show it to the child his mother sees it, gives you a look of disgust and leads the child out the door huffing loudly.
Some friends and I had just finished looting a dragons hoard and decided to take the body of the dragon(he was a man, but he turned into a dragon at the beginning of combat). As we were leaving the room was suddenly being filled with sand, we all started to panic and the dragonborn decides to try and dig out the exit. A while back a carpet saved my life by flying out and catching me during a free fall, so I decide to use the carpet to get to one of the large holes that are pouring sand into the room, my rolls checked out and I flew through the roof and into PURE. DESERT. I come back down and explain whats going on. We entered the room through a ritual stand and the only way to reach it was to dig out the door way that was now entirely consumed by sand. After a few minutes of working we dug out a large enough hole to escape. we make it back to the stand and teleport back to the house we found it in. The stand was in a false wall that our dragonborn tore down(this is important to the story). We get outside and immediately, our warforge decides to make a special show out of the corpse of the dead general/dragon we defeated, he asks the DM if he can decapitate the body and put his head on the end of his fishing pole, the DM is skeptical but he said yes. Just as he was finishing his new toy, the royal guard showed up and saw what he was doing to the general of their army. Instinctively I said it's not what it looks like and was about to explain when the warforge brought down his beak and prepped his swords. the royal guard eventually wrestled him to the ground and pinned him, they were about to do the same to me but I told their leader what was really going on, I told him about the wall and the hoard, along with what their general real was, he sent a guard to look at the house, after a few minutes they said that my story checked out, that was the weirdest thing I ever had to save my party from the police.
This evidence is solid as a redwoods trunk.
My absolute favorite story comes from a solo 3.5 campaign I ran for my sister. As she decided on a dual-wielding drow ranger (yes, I know, we were fans and we were also teenagers) I put together some additional NPCs to round out her party. First was a fighter, than a rogue, then a blood-based sorcerer, a ranger/barbarian nomad, and a monk. Lots of fun, interesting characters, and the crap they'd get up to...
Anyway, the ranger is level 9 at this point, so the characters are all well established in their classes. Ranger was trying to find the companion to his current scimitar, which was supposedly locked away in a massive underground dungeon...except when they arrive, it's a single room, with a pedestal that's JUST the right shape for his current weapon.
My sister goes "Okay, everybody, go stand outside. I'm going to place my weapon down." I cock an eyebrow and ask if she really planned to do that, and she said yep, her character will 100% do that. I ask again. She still confirms. I have her character's best friend, the fighter, ask if the ranger was REALLY SURE he wanted them outside.
You can see where this is going.
Ranger places the sword, the whole room drops, and Ranger is now stuck, by himself, on a one-way elevator to a nine room dungeon designed for up to 8 level 9 characters.
She still hasn't lived it down lol. Although, considering this ranger also once got repeatedly eaten by a bone dragon too stupid to realize it was dead, and also successfully convinced a band of brigands that he was a cannibal using nothing but soggy bread and raspberry jam, I can't exactly say I'm surprised.
I was playing a Tabaxi wizard. We were fighting a tiger, and it had retreated, waiting to ambush us. We knew it was around somewhere, and that it would probably attack the mostly-dead rogue next. My turn came, and the only thing I could think of to do, was to imitate the mating call of a female tiger!
I rolled a nat 1.
The whole table was in hysterics. When we could finally pay attention to the DM, he announced that I had succeeded— but the tiger was actually a female, and now considered me a rival for mating opportunities! Needless to say, it slaughtered me. I did save the rogue, though!
I live with several severe autoimmune conditions. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s probably because I’m not feeling well.
i have a really stupid group so we have a lot of really funny stories but this is one of them...
one of my friends is a really fat dwarf and he and everyone else encountered an army of bugbears. the warlord came over and they were really scared so the dwarf yelled out to me (the dm) "I WANNA DANCE TO MAKE HIM HAPPY!!!" so i said "ok whatever." and he rolled a one with -7 performance and so he made the worst dance ever and the bugbears started laughing so hard that they let them go.
so now every time they see a bugbear they look at me in a really happy way and i just say "you know what u wanna do... role" and they are always best friends with bugbears
I’m not a DM but I love this story from my group.
I started this group with some of my friends and everyone is having fun around the 3ed session we start to realize something about our party rouge, she is absolutely horrible at being a rouge! She has a plus 4 in stealth but she must roll a nat 1 every session! It’s not her fault she just has bad luck with Stealth rolls.
my favorite time she rolled a nat 1 was when we where sneaking down a hill side to group of goblins, ( we where level 1 at the time so it would have been a mildly tough fight) and yep she rolls a nat 1 for stealth my dad the DM says that sense the hill is steep she trips and take fall damage sense she was low heath anyway she gets knocked out right in front of the goblins alerting them to our group. Luckily we managed to defeat them and lived to yell at the rouge another day!
My group jokes a lot about how she should do pretty much any other kind of career. At least we get a lot of stories to tell from her!
My players recently started a riot. They were escorting a merchant caravan to an inn, entering the city through the closest point, which was the slum. I described it as very crowded, and that a number of sickly-looking children and beggars noticed them and ran up, each one trying to prove that he/she was in the most desperate need of the party’s charity. I figured they’d do something like give one gold piece to each person, and then move along.
Instead, the fighter says, “I take fifteen gp, and throw them out on the ground,” demonstrating the gesture by throwing his arms out wide. The other players all got a panicked look, but it was too late to stop it: every person within 300 feet came stampeding towards the rain of money!
I had everybody roll dex saves to avoid the herd. The fighter and the paladin (the two with the most hp) made their saves, jumping onto the wagons they were escorting, but the artificer, wizard, and warlock all failed, taking bludgeoning damage as the crowd trampled them. Then the wizard starts talking about Minor Illusion-ing the image of a lion to scare the crowd away! The other PCs had objections to this, but I had her roll a perception check anyways. She got a three, and I let her know that there was no place she could see to put it, where it wouldn’t be on top of someone. Then she asks what would happen if the bells of the nearby cathedral began to ring, and I said it would draw the people away, because they would think that the festival scheduled for tomorrow had started early.
I didn’t bother rolling insight for the crowd, because I didn’t want to punish the party too much for trying to be generous! The peasants headed off to the church, expecting food and drink. The party decided to hide the fighter underneath a blanket in their cart so he wouldn’t attract any more attention, and they made it to the inn without any further incidents. They got the merchants settled, snuck the fighter into a room in the inn, and then went to the cathedral and donated a hundred gp to feed the hungry people who had been tricked into going there!
And then the paladin, after I casually mentioned that a few straggling, sickly children were still watching him (his background is Far Traveller), spent all of his Lay On Hands ability uses to heal as many as he could, and then announced he’d heal more of them the next day. I couldn’t stop a wide grin spreading across my face as the other players berated him for making the same mistake as the fighter had! Naturally, when the next day came, a large crowd of sick people was waiting outside of the inn for him!
The short version is that the party managed to brand themselves messiahs in this city within an hour of arriving! Now every time they come back (they own an estate about four miles outside of town) they distribute money and healing, and are followed wherever they go. I’m thinking of giving them a stealth mission in this city, just to see how they try to avoid being recognized!
I live with several severe autoimmune conditions. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s probably because I’m not feeling well.
So the artificer of the party got his steel defender, showed a picture of it (4 legged animal, looks kind of like a dog) and the satyr player instantly said, oh it’s a doggie. Artificer in game got very defensive and insisted that no it is not a dog.
2 sessions later they are fighting skeletons, steel defender kills the first, I describe how this dog type metal creature grabs the thigh bone of a skeleton an pulls it out, holding it in its mouth it then almost tries to wag its rear end and look up at the artificer before dropping the bone at his feet. That combat the steel defender killed 4 skeletons, so by the end there was a nice collection of bones which, after combat, the artificer caught the steel defender trying to bury.
The player is now leaning into it :)
My party and I were shipwrecked on the island of an insane Blue Dragonborn hunter. He gave us 48 hours to survive being hunted. But 2 hours in, and my Water Genasi Druid ended the entire situation. Here's how:
Lurking amongst the branches, Neptune's blue skin was soaked with sweat. He could barely see out from the tree he was hiding in, but he dared not to peek out. All Neptune could hear was the steady drum of the ocean, and his own rattled breathing.
"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" called a gravely voice. The sound was quickly absorbed into the dense foliage without echo. "I know you're near!"
As the voice approached, Neptune caught sight of the monster underneath the trees. The Dragonborn had one scaly hand wrapped around a scimitar's hilt, while the other dangled at his side. For a moment, Neptune stared at the hunter's blue scales and yellowed horn. Impulsive rage boiled in his blood. Monstrous dog! Neptune thought. Hunting for sport, hunting people! Vengeful anger boiled over, and he leapt down from the tree.
As Neptune's feet landed on the rough forest floor, the hunter smiled. A cruel, maniacal smile. Remembering the druid elder's teachings, Neptune raised his blue hands and uttered a few words to the spirits of the ocean. Purple fog emanated from his hands, then lashed out towards the Dragonborn. Whips of violet light swirled around the hunter and grappled his hands, feet, body, and neck.
The insane hunter groaned out "What is this magic?!" His blue scales began to shrink, becoming paler and smoother. The tan horn that crowned his head also shrunk and vanished. The Dragonborn could feel his nose smoothing over, and his vision shrunk as his eyes moved to either side of his head. When the excruciating experience was over, the hunter found himself flopping on the ground.
Neptune had turned him into a fish!
Neptune also underwent a transformation, replacing blue skin with brown feathers, and extending his nose and mouth into a yellow beak. The now-eagle Neptune grasped the fish in his talons and soared into the sky. Higher and higher the pair went, until the clouds of the night sky were below them. After that, Neptune dropped the fish. The hunter was no more.
First time posting here, but I am a long time D&D player/DM... (long story for a first time but it is a fun one and still goes to this day the dwarf is still played by the same player too)
This is a story from a campaign that I created, at this time we have a Human Mnk, Dwarf ftr/rog, High-elf Wiz, and a Half-elf drd. All of them level 4.
At this iteration we were still playing 3.5 - the party had found themselves in an ancient abandoned dwarven mountain that had been overrun by orcs. Their goal was to do some house cleaning, not specifically to empty the place out but to bring down the orc population (the towns folk weren't too trusting of the group as they had failed a few negotiation attempts in an earlier session).
Now a slight side step - the Dwarf had just picked up the feat 'two-weapon fighting' about 3 sessions earlier and had earned a new war axe +1 from the encounter when they leveled but they hadn't run into combat since.
Fast forward about 3 hours into the night and we are on combat number 3, the party is facing 4 orcs and a couple stirges that they managed to wake up with all the noise. Everyone is doing well and we get to the dwarfs turn his family warhammer in one hand and his new axe in the other:
Dwarf: I swing at the nearest orc with my warhammer (rolls to hit and succeeds damage ensues)...
Me: (staring at him expectantly for a moment) OK... (when the dwarf doesn't continue) and next in initiative is...
- This same interaction happens for the whole fight until the party comes out victorious and I am left scratching my head for a moment as the dwarf isn't using all his potential, but he is a bit of an oddball (story for another time).
We are now about 6 hours into our session (it was a day off from work so we did about 8 hours that day) and the group is now embattled with 4 orc priestesses ,1 orc shaman, 2 wolves (conjured), and 3 orc guards.
Queue dwarfs turn for combat;
Dwarf: (having taken a potion of spider climb and fighting from the ceiling upside down) I swing with my warhammer and a priestess! (rolls a crit and sneak attack damage) Nice! what happens?
Me: (stiffling a laugh because of the mental image of an upside down dwarf smashing an orc with a warhammer amused me) Well, seeing as you have gravity and the element of surprise your warhammer finds perfect purchase at the orcs nose and you see a violent spray of blood fly backwards as the momentum of your war hammer heaves the orc priestess back into her coven, are you going to do anything else?
Dwarf: nope I'm good
Me: can I see your character sheet? (dwarf hands me his sheet I make an OBVIOUS motion to look at his feats and skills then hand it back to him) Are you sure you are done?
Dwarf: (takes a moment with a confused expression looking over his sheet) yea I think I"m done...
(queue our mutual friend the monk to realize what I was looking at as the monk now starts to snicker to himself)
The battle continues and goes to the dwarfs next turn - same battle tactic, only this time I make a visible gesture showing the dwarf striking the target as though I were holding 2 weapons, once again asking if he was going to do anything else. Again he passed his initiative.
3rd round of combat - same thing, this time however I tell him to READ his feats out loud... As he does he reaches the 'two-weapon fighting' feat and promptly starts laughing and says "So that's what you meant this whole time!" as the table erupts into laughter.
However, it didn't end there, apparently he was having a forgetful night as in the next battle that they encountered HE DID IT AGAIN!
At this point I couldn't take it so as he passed his turn, once again only using his warhammer I could only think of one thing to say:
Me: Ok as you swing your warhammer you hear the audible crunch as you break bone, while you bring your arm back getting ready to swing you take a moment to look into your other hand and think to yourself 'ooh, shiny axe'.
Table starts to laugh again, the dwarf however, got a odd smirk - and for the rest of the fight within the ancient dwarven caverns you could hear the dwarf during combat call out "ooh, shiny axe" as he decimated his foes.
Homunculus penis.
The artificer is talking to this high elf noble at a bar, and get this, he drank all the wine and then spit on the artificers personally made, 200 gp suit. He calmly walks away, and decides to make the most offensive homunculus he can. He makes a homunculus shaped like a p e n i s. And throws it at him. The noble responds with “I have hundreds of these.” That bar is now just ashes, due to the artificer throwing chlorine bombs and pipe bombs everywhere. We now refer to penises as homunculi.
'Razed to the ground'. that's an odd phrase...
These words were the start of a rather odd tale for one of my halfling rogues in AD&D.
Queue dramatic scene with a band of adventurers riding their horses along the hills of the human farmlands, for some strange reason the rogue and the barbarian are leading the intrepid group this particular day. In the distance smoke can be seen billowing up from some unfortunate town that mostly likely had been raided days ago by brigands or other na'er do wells.
The group of adventurers have finally made their way to the outskirts of the small village and out of game the players almost all in unison count down with hushed voices.. "3,2,1 orcs!"
Sure enough the DM announces that orcs start to advance from behind debris and rocks, the DM had a penchant for throwing as many orcs as he could in his campaigns, they apparently reproduced faster and grew faster than most viruses or cockroaches...
Before any of the players have a chance to respond the DM has the orcs attack in a flurry, most of them missing horribly. But one of them manages to find purchase. in. my. leg.
The orc rolls a crit and severs my leg clean off just above the knee, killing my horse in the process. I manage to tip the horse towards the severed leg, rolled high enough on constitution to stay awake and rolled to safety as I didn't have a leg attached to pin me under the horse.
In the ensuing chaos our mage manages to make his way over and cauterized my leg with burning hands, I once again manage to retain consciousness. As I watch the battle rage I look around hoping to find something to attach to my leg so I can hobble my way through battle... I only manage to come up with one idea.
I remove the sword from my sheath as well as the belt that held it in place and proceed to strap the sword to my stub as a makeshift peg leg. Now I am looking around the field and notice the barbarian has cornered the orc who cut off my leg as I hobble my way through the carnage, as I arrive next to the barbarian I yell out to him.
"Don't kill him, he's mine, he killed my horse and took off my leg!" The barbarian looks at me and starts to grin, he take a massive swing and breaks the leg of the orc causing it to fall prone on the ground.
Now - at this point I get up from the table and mimic the actions of my character. I proceed to inform the DM that this little halfling rogue with a short sword peg leg is going to jump up and down with said short sword peg leg as though it were a pogostick yelling at this orc as I stab it repeatedly...
"This. is. for. killing. my. horse!" continuing to jump yelling out between each stab, "and. this. is. for. cutting. off. my. leg!"
After the ensuing laughter from the adventuring group watching this little halfling aerate an orc, I proceed to ask our fighter for the oilskin wrap that he carries. With a confused look he hands it to me and I have the fighter and the barbarian both lift my dead horse as I pull out the severed leg. Wrapped it in the oilskin cloth tightly bind it and toss it in my backpack.
They all look at me confused until stoically I respond, "I am keeping it so I can get it regenerated back on..."
And that my friends is how a pissed off halfling rogue kills an orc after loosing a limb.