I've had a pattern pretty much since the day I started roleplaying where I struggle with anxious/upset thoughts when there is any IC animosity. I often struggle to play jerk characters or even slightly morally ambiguous characters, because I feel bad and weird about trying to do anything 'mean.' I get really uneasy about interparty disagreements or arguments, or when we make decisions that are maybe not the moral best, or that turn out to have been bad ideas that put us on thin ice with NPCs. Sometimes it results in straight up catastrophizing about the future of the party or particular relationships in-game.
Theoretically, I know the difference between IC and OOC. I know that we're all together telling a story. I know it's just a game. But that doesn't stop the brain from doing its worst https://9apps.ooo/. I'm not officially diagnosed but since my family is neurodivergent and the research I've done on my own sounds familiar, I've been assuming that it might be RSD or at the very least I personally am extremely sensitive. Especially since sometimes the only reason my brain seems to pick to catastrophize is 'a vibe.'
I have been very transparent with my DM and the players about how I feel, just to give a frame of reference for where I am emotionally and get some ammunition against that little devil on my shoulder that tries to tell me everything's not fine. But that doesn't always quiet those thoughts. I've even had trouble writing because of this aversion to characters having disagreements.
I know the real answer here is therapy because it's probably way deeper than D&D, and trust me, it's on my list. But has anyone else had trouble with these kinds of feelings or RSD being set off by gameplay? How do you center yourself when the reminder that it's just a game doesn't shut that devil up? I've been feeling really bad about this for a long time because it's not fair to my fellow players or the DM, so I would really appreciate some input.
I know the real answer here is therapy because it's probably way deeper than D&D, and trust me, it's on my list. But has anyone else had trouble with these kinds of feelings or RSD being set off by gameplay? How do you center yourself when the reminder that it's just a game doesn't shut that devil up? I've been feeling really bad about this for a long time because it's not fair to my fellow players or the DM, so I would really appreciate some input.
I want to say to you, as a person, that if you're playing with friends they should absolutely understand your struggles and be willing to "deal with" some grit and grumbles as you're trying to figure it out. They might not understand your personal struggle but they'll understand you are dealing with something that is hard to vocalize and it can take some time to get there. D&D at its core is a social exercise and part of that is figuring out how others interact. I think this often gets lost in the fact that people want to play and have a good time.
The lovely thing about D&D is that typically its not a bunch of people who are super awesome amazing social types. Most of us are not extroverts by nature. Most of us have troubles and I don't say that to minimize ANYTHING you're feeling but to give more of a sense of inclusion when it comes to maybe the types of ways you're feeling. Since that often is true, more often than not you have other people who have similar blocks. Sometime this manifests negatively because those blocks between people can be amplified, but you won't know until you really explore(as you've said you've done in your post, so great job opening the door with this to your table).
While it might not be socially acceptable in things like a business meeting? This is a game. Sometimes rejection sensitivity pops up with facial expressions so try closing your eyes during heated discussion and just focusing on the words. Write down clarifying questions that are designed to combat your negative thought process. IE if your brain goes to "They hate me because they didn't want to give me the magic item", one of your standard questions should be "Can you tell me out of game your reasoning for wanting the item to go to X?"
I wish you the best and ultimately I sincerely hope you are able to figure out a way to keep enjoying this lovely hobby of ours.
I'd have it arranged to have a timeout mechanism. When you start feeling anxious, give the signal. Any disagreements are then resolved by a Charisma (Persuasion) roll, so it's done impartially and you don't feel responsible for someone "losing" - it's the roll of the dice. Then everyone takes a short break so you can loosen up a bit, then move on.
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If you're not willing or able to to discuss in good faith, then don't be surprised if I don't respond, there are better things in life for me to do than humour you. This signature is that response.
D&D is always going to have disputes, and I agree that the best way to handle this specific issue would be therapy. However, even once therapy starts, therapists do not have a magic wand and it can take months or even years to fully take hold, so you will need to work with your party to come up with a solution long term. A lot of that is going to depend on your individual party tolerances and what they are willing to do to accommodate you, and would be best worked out with them.
That said, the easiest solution to a situation you find uncomfortable is one that is often overlooked - just walking away until the situation resolves itself. You could easily build this into a character - make a character who really dislikes conflict and who gets scared when they see conflict in their party and goes to hide in their tent, or in the woods, or in a box, etc. (Genie warlocks even have a built in “hide in lamp” option). While you are absent from the party, do something that helps keep you calm (something personal that works for you; no one else can really tell you what will help). Then, when your character is hiding and cannot hear the discussion, you yourself can go to a different room and wait until someone in the party comes and fetches you, both IC and OOC.
While not a perfect solution by any metric, this (a) does not disrupt other players much, mitigating your guilt at interrupting them, and (b) takes you out of the situation you find uncomfortable.
I'd have it arranged to have a timeout mechanism. When you start feeling anxious, give the signal. Any disagreements are then resolved by a Charisma (Persuasion) roll, so it's done impartially and you don't feel responsible for someone "losing" - it's the roll of the dice. Then everyone takes a short break so you can loosen up a bit, then move on.
I disagree with this solution and think it would cause more problems than it would fix. For starters, OP already feels guilt for their perceived infringement on other players’ enjoyment, and forcing a major change to gameplay just for them is all but certain to exacerbate the guilt. This is also likely to breed resentment in the group and lead to longer term conflict - even the most understanding and saintlike of individuals will eventually get frustrated if they are regularly stopping content they enjoy and just deciding the course of action with chance. It might work a few times, but it is extremely likely to wear down the other players after a while, making the issue worse long-term.
I can sympathize a lot with this, and while I don't know how applicable my situation is to yours, I can say that it took dealing with the underlying issues through therapy because it was a root-level aspect of my brain.
While the therapy process is going on, you may find D&D helps to gauge and validate your progress by presenting you with conflict in a relatively safe space. A lot of people find D&D to be quite therapeutic in that regard and I hope that will hold true for you too.
Good luck and keep at it. Overcoming that devil on your shoulder transformed my whole life and I wish you the same.
I've had a pattern pretty much since the day I started roleplaying where I struggle with anxious/upset thoughts when there is any IC animosity. I often struggle to play jerk characters or even slightly morally ambiguous characters, because I feel bad and weird about trying to do anything 'mean.' I get really uneasy about interparty disagreements or arguments, or when we make decisions that are maybe not the moral best, or that turn out to have been bad ideas that put us on thin ice with NPCs. Sometimes it results in straight up catastrophizing about the future of the party or particular relationships in-game.
Theoretically, I know the difference between IC and OOC. I know that we're all together telling a story. I know it's just a game. But that doesn't stop the brain from doing its worst https://9apps.ooo/. I'm not officially diagnosed but since my family is neurodivergent and the research I've done on my own sounds familiar, I've been assuming that it might be RSD or at the very least I personally am extremely sensitive. Especially since sometimes the only reason my brain seems to pick to catastrophize is 'a vibe.'
I have been very transparent with my DM and the players about how I feel, just to give a frame of reference for where I am emotionally and get some ammunition against that little devil on my shoulder that tries to tell me everything's not fine. But that doesn't always quiet those thoughts. I've even had trouble writing because of this aversion to characters having disagreements.
I know the real answer here is therapy because it's probably way deeper than D&D, and trust me, it's on my list. But has anyone else had trouble with these kinds of feelings or RSD being set off by gameplay? How do you center yourself when the reminder that it's just a game doesn't shut that devil up? I've been feeling really bad about this for a long time because it's not fair to my fellow players or the DM, so I would really appreciate some input.
I want to say to you, as a person, that if you're playing with friends they should absolutely understand your struggles and be willing to "deal with" some grit and grumbles as you're trying to figure it out. They might not understand your personal struggle but they'll understand you are dealing with something that is hard to vocalize and it can take some time to get there. D&D at its core is a social exercise and part of that is figuring out how others interact. I think this often gets lost in the fact that people want to play and have a good time.
The lovely thing about D&D is that typically its not a bunch of people who are super awesome amazing social types. Most of us are not extroverts by nature. Most of us have troubles and I don't say that to minimize ANYTHING you're feeling but to give more of a sense of inclusion when it comes to maybe the types of ways you're feeling. Since that often is true, more often than not you have other people who have similar blocks. Sometime this manifests negatively because those blocks between people can be amplified, but you won't know until you really explore(as you've said you've done in your post, so great job opening the door with this to your table).
While it might not be socially acceptable in things like a business meeting? This is a game. Sometimes rejection sensitivity pops up with facial expressions so try closing your eyes during heated discussion and just focusing on the words. Write down clarifying questions that are designed to combat your negative thought process. IE if your brain goes to "They hate me because they didn't want to give me the magic item", one of your standard questions should be "Can you tell me out of game your reasoning for wanting the item to go to X?"
I wish you the best and ultimately I sincerely hope you are able to figure out a way to keep enjoying this lovely hobby of ours.
I'd have it arranged to have a timeout mechanism. When you start feeling anxious, give the signal. Any disagreements are then resolved by a Charisma (Persuasion) roll, so it's done impartially and you don't feel responsible for someone "losing" - it's the roll of the dice. Then everyone takes a short break so you can loosen up a bit, then move on.
If you're not willing or able to to discuss in good faith, then don't be surprised if I don't respond, there are better things in life for me to do than humour you. This signature is that response.
I disagree with this solution and think it would cause more problems than it would fix. For starters, OP already feels guilt for their perceived infringement on other players’ enjoyment, and forcing a major change to gameplay just for them is all but certain to exacerbate the guilt. This is also likely to breed resentment in the group and lead to longer term conflict - even the most understanding and saintlike of individuals will eventually get frustrated if they are regularly stopping content they enjoy and just deciding the course of action with chance. It might work a few times, but it is extremely likely to wear down the other players after a while, making the issue worse long-term.
I can sympathize a lot with this, and while I don't know how applicable my situation is to yours, I can say that it took dealing with the underlying issues through therapy because it was a root-level aspect of my brain.
While the therapy process is going on, you may find D&D helps to gauge and validate your progress by presenting you with conflict in a relatively safe space. A lot of people find D&D to be quite therapeutic in that regard and I hope that will hold true for you too.
Good luck and keep at it. Overcoming that devil on your shoulder transformed my whole life and I wish you the same.
My homebrew subclasses (full list here)
(Artificer) Swordmage | Glasswright | (Barbarian) Path of the Savage Embrace
(Bard) College of Dance | (Fighter) Warlord | Cannoneer
(Monk) Way of the Elements | (Ranger) Blade Dancer
(Rogue) DaggerMaster | Inquisitor | (Sorcerer) Riftwalker | Spellfist
(Warlock) The Swarm