Okay, this whole encounter is gold, so I'm just going to put it all here. Not a single phrase or quote is particularly amazing, but the situation definitely is.
Setting: Eberron. The party just entered the Mournland to complete a fetch-quest for Prince Oargev of New Cyre. DM: Me, myself, and I Party: Lucky Laughter (Warforged Battle Smith with an aberrant dragonmark and a python-shaped Steel Defender named Slither), York the Mighty (Firbolg Open Hands Monk with a pet displacer beast named Maggs wearing mithral-plate barding), Neirena d'Cannith (Mark of Making Human War-Wizard), and Zalka Di'voor (Goblin Creation Bard, also a Dirge Singer in training and York's minstrel) Level: 9 Mode of Transportation: A mithral-adamantine alloy-plated tank created by Lucky Laughter, using mechanics similar to Infernal War Machines, but highly personalized to the party, with the Lucky as the driver. Called "The Magi-Tank 3.0"
DM: As you drive through the yellowish wastes of the Mournland, you come across a peculiar sight. In the middle of the ruined road that you are driving on, 300 feet in front of you, is a 100-foot long, 60-foot wide pond filled with a strange, bright-green, opaque slime. As you get closer, you see large bubbles slowly rising to the surface of the pond, bulging on the surface of the pond before slowly popping. Lucky: Coooool! I drive the tank up to the pond, and park 25 feet away from it. York: Maybe we should just drive past it, we've already wasted a lot of our time getting here. Zalka: Yeah, I'm with York on this one. We should just pass it by. What if it's a giant ooze? Lucky: Then we'll kill it. We already killed a demigod. York: Actually, that was called a "death-haunt", and we didn't even kill it. Those ghost-guys put him in an egg and took him to another dimension. Lucky: See! Nothing to worry about. It's just a carbonated, green pond. We've seen weirder things here. And more deadly things. Remember those golden wasps that had laser-eyes? We took out 8 of them! York: Fine. If you insist, go examine the ooze pond. But the rest of us are staying back. For all we know, that could be a pool of acid.
Lucky gets out of the tank, grabs a stick that was lying on the ground, and touches the green-goop-pond with it. The stick does not dissolve, and instead, when he lifts it back out, it takes some of the green-goop out of the pond with him. With a successful Investigation check, he's able to deduce that all of the goop in the pond is connected, and cannot be separated from each other (see 1:15 in this video to see a real world substance similar to the substance that filled the pond). Essentially, in real world terms, all of the slime in the pond was just one very long molecule, so in order to separate any part of it, you would have to break the molecule and thus ruin the substance (that's how it worked for this pond, anyway).
Lucky: Cool! You guys have to see this slimy-goop-stuff! Zalka: No thanks, I'm good! I just had slime for lunch. York: Wait, you eat slime?
A large eye rose to the surface of the green-pond, its iris being a cloudy-purple color, and its pupil was shaped like a w (like a cuttlefish's pupil). The eye was covered in a few strands of the green-slime, so a large, white, squid-like tentacle rose out of the water about 6 feet behind the eye to wipe off the strands of slime, and Lucky mentally heard a strange voice emanating from the entity in the pond.
Aberration:Heeellllooooo, metal one! It has been quite some time since I have had visitors (pronounced "vee-see-toors"). It sadly seems that my neighbors have been having quite a difficult time finding my home the last 7 years. I very much do like mortal company. Lucky: Oh, because of the Mourning? Yeah, that would make sense. But how did you survive? Did anything happen to you in the Mourning? Aberration:Yeee-ehhssss, it sssseeeeeems that the Mourning has turned my pond into this green slime. Strangely, I also have seemed to have less and less of an appetite lately. Lucky: Huh, that's weird. So what are you? Are you an alien? What do you eat? Aberration: I used to eat humanoids, like your friends over there, but I don't seem to be hungry anymore. Yes, I am an aberration, but to me, you are the alien. My siblings and I have been here millennia before you and your companions' races have been. It is you that is the alien, from my point of view. Lucky: Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But what are you? Aberration:I'm a shibboleth. But I'm also a collector of novelties that have been more and more common to this land since the Mists came. Would you like to see my collection? Lucky: Uhh, sure! DM: You're sure? Like really sure? (If all of the other red flags were destined to fail, this one absolutely shouldn't have.) Lucky: Yeah!
At this point, the party is looking nervously at Lucky, as a tentacle rises from the pond and coils around his torso.
Neirena: Lucky! Are you sure this is a good idea!?!? Lucky: I'll be fine! I don't need to breathe. Even if anything goes wrong, I can just swim back up! (Lucky then mentally commands Slither, telling him that if he's not back up in 10 minutes that Slither should come down and rescue him.) Zalka: 100 Galifars say that he's not coming back up. York: Deal (while crouching down to shake Zalka's hand). Lucky: Heeey! (Lucky says this directed Zalka and York while the Shibboleth's tentacle begins to lower him below the surface of the green-goop-pond.)
As the Shibboleth swims deeper and deeper into the pond, Lucky begins to worry more and more. The slime is very viscous, clings to everything that enters the pond, it is so opaque that Lucky is blinded, and Lucky doesn't have a swimming speed, even if he doesn't need to breathe underwater as a Warforged. Once they're about 600 feet below the surface of the water, the Shibboleth comes to a stop and loosens its grip on Lucky.
Shibboleth:Heeerrre we are! Whaaat do yooooouuuu think of myyy collectioooon? Lucky (puzzled as he can't see anything down here through the thick, green goop): It's . . . very nice. How long did it take you to collect it all? Shibboleth: Thaaaank you!! I thought that you would appreciate it! It took me well over a decade, and there was a period of a few years in the middle that I wasn't able to add anything to my collection! Go ahead, feel it! Lucky (puzzled as he reaches forward): Err, thank you.
As Lucky sticks out his hand, and is startled by a pair of hard, human-like jaws that attempt to clamp down on his fingers.
Lucky (angry and increasingly nervous):What was that!?!? Shibboleth:Oh, you just met Bitey. Apologies. I'll introduce you to the rest. (The Shibboleth then gestures a tentacle towards the collection, moving it with each name.) This one's Rusty, this is Bucket, these two are Toothless and Steel-Toe. Next we have . . . (he continues on and on until he's listed a total of 27 different names.) Lucky:Umm . . . nice to meet you all. What are they? Shibboleth:Warforged! Just like you! I have largest collection of Warforged out of any Shibboleth in the Mournland! I wanted to introduce you to them properly before adding you to my collection. And noooow that you're acquainted with each other . . .
The rest of the party began to have a mixture of reactions; extreme nervousness, hysterical laughter, shocked expressions, and the like. The player playing Lucky says, "Craaaaap. I thought it was going to be something like that", and the rest of the party laughed.
Moral of the Story: Don't go into ponds filled with green goop and monsters with tentacles and cuttlefish eyes. Although it all worked out in the end (through a ton of lucky rolls and strategic decisions), the party came very close to losing a party member to the worst enemy of all: Stupid decisions that the players/characters make.
Roommate: "How can you watch that? It takes so long for any action."
Me: "...and your audio books with no visual element and written by one single person and also read and roleplayed by one single person get to the action any faster?"
Roommate: "... I... see your point."
Me: *total smugness enabled*
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Badger Totem Barbarian who is a stereotypical "Grog no like goblin, Grog smash goblin" barbarian:
*stroking beard* "Badgerman likes beard. Is fluffy like a badger. Badgerman wishes he could grow face-hair. Maybe he will grow some badger-hair on his face."
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Life is very busy unfortunately, gone from most Pbp's indefinitely. If you'd like to contact me, I am on Discord at GreatAxeblade#7595, always happy to chat :)
A quote directly from our table top 5E game, by our GM, regarding my Triton Fighter/Rogue. Comment made after my character was able to single headedly engage, fight, and kill 5 road bandits, at level 3.
"I think Vandilis fulfils an important role in the group, even if he is a terrifying monstrous killing machine."
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“Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You did 2d6+4 damage to my father. Prepare to make a saving throw.”
“Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You did 2d6+4 damage to my father. Prepare to make a saving throw.”
🤣
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
This Mug immediately shared with me a transcendental tale of an Infinite Mug that anchors the Universe and keeps it from folding in on itself. I filed this report under "illogical nonsense" and asked why its sign is in Times New Roman font, when it is basic knowledge that Arial Black is a far superior font. I wondered: How did this mug even get past the assembly line with its theistic beliefs and poor font choices?
quote from Romantically Apocalyptic byVitaly S Alexius
Party is fourth level and consists of Venn (tiefling sorceror), Ferrin (half elf wizard), Xanlar (half elf paladin with a sentient life draining dagger named Carl), and Sister Serena (aasimar Life cleric with some impulse control issues). Also accompanying are two NPCs, Phillip (human ranger) and a somewhat shifty kobold who's name we still haven't actually learned. after nine sessions
After clearing a bandit hideout and tying up the only surviving bandit, Serena smashed the lock of a chest in their stash (nobody has lockpicking skills) and got covered in blue mist (made her constitution save, no effect but she looked more or less like an overgrown smurf with sparkling yellow eyes). The bandits had dammed a stream providing fresh water to a village and extorting them for money they didn't have, hence the party agreeing to aid them. The dam mechanism had a missing piece that we were looking for to release the stream.
Serena: We're going to turn you over to the villagers you were extorting for justice, but if you help us make this easier we can put in a good word for you.
Bandit: I'm a simple mercenary! I need coin to survive! I was just doing my job!
Serena: It was your choice to take the job of cruelly extorting a helpless village. A village that couldn't pay your price even if they wanted to, so it was a bad business plan as well as evil. Have you even seen that village? It takes all their effort and resources just to survive in this swamp, they barely have anything of monetary value. Then you tried to kill us when we came to stop you.
Bandit: You're the ones that killed the rest of my crew! And you're still alive, so how about we call it even and you let me go?
Serena: Being bad at your job doesn't absolve you of the guilt from trying.
Serena rolls high on an insight check and notices the bandit side-eying a rock off to one side of the cave lair. Upon inspection it's concealing a stash with, among other things, a piece of pipe that looks like the missing part to the dam mechanism and the key to the chest she bashed open about two minutes earlier.
Serena: I think I'm going to keep this key as a reminder to be patient. And somebody else can try the lever on the dam this time. (She now wears the key as a charm on the chain with her holy symbol medallion)
Party finally traverses the swamp we've been in and gets to a coastal town. Doing some shopping, Ferrin finds a rather nice waterproof backpack made out of high quality, soft leather that he wants for keeping his books and notes dry. He rolls well on a nature check to identify the type of leather.
DM: It's made of dolphin skin.
Ferrin: Uhh, I feel a little guilty but it is really nice so I'll take it.
Party is having drinks in a tavern called "The Creepy Uncle" while figuring out what to do next.
Xanlar: I'll be right back.
Kobold: Yeah, that's what my father said. Then a few years later I found out he has some hatchlings somewhere else.
Kobold points out that a guy across the tavern has been eyeing us.
Kobold: No, don't look! Now he knows we've seen him.
Serena: I get a lot of attention in public places. I'm not exactly inconspicuous with my pale skin and sparkling eyes.
Ferrin: So you're saying it's hard to keep a low profile while next to a magical girl?
Serena: So says the wizard.
Ferrin: I don't sparkle.
Investigating the town, which consists pretty much entirely of a dockside district.
Merchant at a market stall: Come get your fresh fish! Look at this fish, it's so fresh it's still blinking!
Ferrin: It's blinking? What kind of fish even has eyeballs? That's gross!
Merchant: It's not blinking! Um, that was a joke, honest! Come get your fresh fish that doesn't blink!
Passing by the same fish merchant again.
Merchant: I got fresh lobster too! The tongues are delicious!
Xanlar's player was away for a few minutes with a phone call and came back, following bit OOC.
Xanlar: What'd I miss?
Ferrin: Serena is getting propositioned by a bunch of prostitutes.
Serena: They swarmed me when we passed the brothel. There's also a magic shop next to the whorehouse.
Ferrin: Magic happens in both places!
Back in character, the prostitutes start trying to convince Phillip to partake of their services, clearly making the young man uncomfortable.
Phillip: No thank you, really. Uh, I'm gay!
Ferrin: If it's a full service brothel they can probably accommodate that.
Prostitute: Oh, okay. Hey, get the minotaur!
Phillip: I have to go. Somewhere. Now!
We hear the fish monger again, yelling from behind us.
Merchant: Come get your octopus wings! Fresh wings, great for frying!
Ferrin: Where does he get his wares from? What kind of fishermen are supplying him?
Serena: Maybe he ate one of those weird poisonous fish that make you hallucinate. Or just some bad clams or something.
Ferrin: Whatever it is I'm not having any of it.
Serena gives a few coins to a beggar, who then offers to repay the kindness with something of value that he can't use. Sensing an ambush, Serena straps on her shield but still follows. It's an ambush.
Beggar/thug: I know you have money, that's what you get for flashing coin around! Now hand it over or this won't end well for you!
Serena: I gave you four copper! If that's enough for you to think it's a good idea to attack somebody wearing heavy armor and in the company of four uniformed soldiers you're either desperate or stupid! [Serena and Ferrin are the only party members not wearing armbands indicating they're soldiers, and other soldiers are about town as guards for merchants working for our nation's government so the identification should be easy]
Thug: I still like our chances, now hand over your purse, little girl!
Serena: Nobody ever sees the armor, weapons and holy symbol. Just the cute, sparkling young woman that happens to be wearing them all. [OOC] I think I want to roll initiative now.
The fight starts going poorly for the gang as the three thugs surrounding Serena fail to overcome her combination of high AC, spiritual weapon, and a powerful healing spell on herself with Xanlar joining the fray and Ferrin severely wounding the caster backing them up.
Thug leader: Shit! Summon Mr Tickles!
Serena: I do not like the sound of "Mr Tickles!"
Xanlar: That sounds like something you pay extra for back at that brothel!
Then there's a surge in the water by the wharf and the DM ends the session. He likes cliffhangers.
Party is fourth level and consists of Venn (tiefling sorceror), Ferrin (half elf wizard), Xanlar (half elf paladin with a sentient life draining dagger named Carl), and Sister Serena (aasimar Life cleric with some impulse control issues). Also accompanying are two NPCs, Phillip (human ranger) and a somewhat shifty kobold who's name we still haven't actually learned. after nine sessions
After clearing a bandit hideout and tying up the only surviving bandit, Serena smashed the lock of a chest in their stash (nobody has lockpicking skills) and got covered in blue mist (made her constitution save, no effect but she looked more or less like an overgrown smurf with sparkling yellow eyes). The bandits had dammed a stream providing fresh water to a village and extorting them for money they didn't have, hence the party agreeing to aid them. The dam mechanism had a missing piece that we were looking for to release the stream.
Serena: We're going to turn you over to the villagers you were extorting for justice, but if you help us make this easier we can put in a good word for you.
Bandit: I'm a simple mercenary! I need coin to survive! I was just doing my job!
Serena: It was your choice to take the job of cruelly extorting a helpless village. A village that couldn't pay your price even if they wanted to, so it was a bad business plan as well as evil. Have you even seen that village? It takes all their effort and resources just to survive in this swamp, they barely have anything of monetary value. Then you tried to kill us when we came to stop you.
Bandit: You're the ones that killed the rest of my crew! And you're still alive, so how about we call it even and you let me go?
Serena: Being bad at your job doesn't absolve you of the guilt from trying.
Serena rolls high on an insight check and notices the bandit side-eying a rock off to one side of the cave lair. Upon inspection it's concealing a stash with, among other things, a piece of pipe that looks like the missing part to the dam mechanism and the key to the chest she bashed open about two minutes earlier.
Serena: I think I'm going to keep this key as a reminder to be patient. And somebody else can try the lever on the dam this time. (She now wears the key as a charm on the chain with her holy symbol medallion)
Party finally traverses the swamp we've been in and gets to a coastal town. Doing some shopping, Ferrin finds a rather nice waterproof backpack made out of high quality, soft leather that he wants for keeping his books and notes dry. He rolls well on a nature check to identify the type of leather.
DM: It's made of dolphin skin.
Ferrin: Uhh, I feel a little guilty but it is really nice so I'll take it.
Party is having drinks in a tavern called "The Creepy Uncle" while figuring out what to do next.
Xanlar: I'll be right back.
Kobold: Yeah, that's what my father said. Then a few years later I found out he has some hatchlings somewhere else.
Kobold points out that a guy across the tavern has been eyeing us.
Kobold: No, don't look! Now he knows we've seen him.
Serena: I get a lot of attention in public places. I'm not exactly inconspicuous with my pale skin and sparkling eyes.
Ferrin: So you're saying it's hard to keep a low profile while next to a magical girl?
Serena: So says the wizard.
Ferrin: I don't sparkle.
Investigating the town, which consists pretty much entirely of a dockside district.
Merchant at a market stall: Come get your fresh fish! Look at this fish, it's so fresh it's still blinking!
Ferrin: It's blinking? What kind of fish even has eyeballs? That's gross!
Merchant: It's not blinking! Um, that was a joke, honest! Come get your fresh fish that doesn't blink!
Passing by the same fish merchant again.
Merchant: I got fresh lobster too! The tongues are delicious!
Xanlar's player was away for a few minutes with a phone call and came back, following bit OOC.
Xanlar: What'd I miss?
Ferrin: Serena is getting propositioned by a bunch of prostitutes.
Serena: They swarmed me when we passed the brothel. There's also a magic shop next to the whorehouse.
Ferrin: Magic happens in both places!
Back in character, the prostitutes start trying to convince Phillip to partake of their services, clearly making the young man uncomfortable.
Phillip: No thank you, really. Uh, I'm gay!
Ferrin: If it's a full service brothel they can probably accommodate that.
Prostitute: Oh, okay. Hey, get the minotaur!
Phillip: I have to go. Somewhere. Now!
We hear the fish monger again, yelling from behind us.
Merchant: Come get your octopus wings! Fresh wings, great for frying!
Ferrin: Where does he get his wares from? What kind of fishermen are supplying him?
Serena: Maybe he ate one of those weird poisonous fish that make you hallucinate. Or just some bad clams or something.
Ferrin: Whatever it is I'm not having any of it.
Serena gives a few coins to a beggar, who then offers to repay the kindness with something of value that he can't use. Sensing an ambush, Serena straps on her shield but still follows. It's an ambush.
Beggar/thug: I know you have money, that's what you get for flashing coin around! Now hand it over or this won't end well for you!
Serena: I gave you four copper! If that's enough for you to think it's a good idea to attack somebody wearing heavy armor and in the company of four uniformed soldiers you're either desperate or stupid! [Serena and Ferrin are the only party members not wearing armbands indicating they're soldiers, and other soldiers are about town as guards for merchants working for our nation's government so the identification should be easy]
Thug: I still like our chances, now hand over your purse, little girl!
Serena: Nobody ever sees the armor, weapons and holy symbol. Just the cute, sparkling young woman that happens to be wearing them all. [OOC] I think I want to roll initiative now.
The fight starts going poorly for the gang as the three thugs surrounding Serena fail to overcome her combination of high AC, spiritual weapon, and a powerful healing spell on herself with Xanlar joining the fray and Ferrin severely wounding the caster backing them up.
Thug leader: Shit! Summon Mr Tickles!
Serena: I do not like the sound of "Mr Tickles!"
Xanlar: That sounds like something you pay extra for back at that brothel!
Then there's a surge in the water by the wharf and the DM ends the session. He likes cliffhangers.
If I were playing, that fishmonger would be a recurring NPC by now! I’d also be experimenting with everything he’s selling, so maybe it’s just as well that the nutty wizardess based on Reverend Jim from Taxi isn’t part of your adventuring party…
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I live with several severe autoimmune conditions. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s probably because I’m not feeling well.
One from a campaign I took place in yesterday; can't remember the exact wording though:
DM: "So you have been woken up by a deep growling, and as you are getting up these massive jaws clamp down on you, then massive claws dig into as the feeling of venom flow through you; you are NOT having the best of mornings"
Here is another one: "You died when the wolf breathed on you."
Okay, this whole encounter is gold, so I'm just going to put it all here. Not a single phrase or quote is particularly amazing, but the situation definitely is.
Setting: Eberron. The party just entered the Mournland to complete a fetch-quest for Prince Oargev of New Cyre.
DM: Me, myself, and I
Party: Lucky Laughter (Warforged Battle Smith with an aberrant dragonmark and a python-shaped Steel Defender named Slither), York the Mighty (Firbolg Open Hands Monk with a pet displacer beast named Maggs wearing mithral-plate barding), Neirena d'Cannith (Mark of Making Human War-Wizard), and Zalka Di'voor (Goblin Creation Bard, also a Dirge Singer in training and York's minstrel)
Level: 9
Mode of Transportation: A mithral-adamantine alloy-plated tank created by Lucky Laughter, using mechanics similar to Infernal War Machines, but highly personalized to the party, with the Lucky as the driver. Called "The Magi-Tank 3.0"
DM: As you drive through the yellowish wastes of the Mournland, you come across a peculiar sight. In the middle of the ruined road that you are driving on, 300 feet in front of you, is a 100-foot long, 60-foot wide pond filled with a strange, bright-green, opaque slime. As you get closer, you see large bubbles slowly rising to the surface of the pond, bulging on the surface of the pond before slowly popping.
Lucky: Coooool! I drive the tank up to the pond, and park 25 feet away from it.
York: Maybe we should just drive past it, we've already wasted a lot of our time getting here.
Zalka: Yeah, I'm with York on this one. We should just pass it by. What if it's a giant ooze?
Lucky: Then we'll kill it. We already killed a demigod.
York: Actually, that was called a "death-haunt", and we didn't even kill it. Those ghost-guys put him in an egg and took him to another dimension.
Lucky: See! Nothing to worry about. It's just a carbonated, green pond. We've seen weirder things here. And more deadly things. Remember those golden wasps that had laser-eyes? We took out 8 of them!
York: Fine. If you insist, go examine the ooze pond. But the rest of us are staying back. For all we know, that could be a pool of acid.
Lucky gets out of the tank, grabs a stick that was lying on the ground, and touches the green-goop-pond with it. The stick does not dissolve, and instead, when he lifts it back out, it takes some of the green-goop out of the pond with him. With a successful Investigation check, he's able to deduce that all of the goop in the pond is connected, and cannot be separated from each other (see 1:15 in this video to see a real world substance similar to the substance that filled the pond). Essentially, in real world terms, all of the slime in the pond was just one very long molecule, so in order to separate any part of it, you would have to break the molecule and thus ruin the substance (that's how it worked for this pond, anyway).
Lucky: Cool! You guys have to see this slimy-goop-stuff!
Zalka: No thanks, I'm good! I just had slime for lunch.
York: Wait, you eat slime?
A large eye rose to the surface of the green-pond, its iris being a cloudy-purple color, and its pupil was shaped like a w (like a cuttlefish's pupil). The eye was covered in a few strands of the green-slime, so a large, white, squid-like tentacle rose out of the water about 6 feet behind the eye to wipe off the strands of slime, and Lucky mentally heard a strange voice emanating from the entity in the pond.
Aberration: Heeellllooooo, metal one! It has been quite some time since I have had visitors (pronounced "vee-see-toors"). It sadly seems that my neighbors have been having quite a difficult time finding my home the last 7 years. I very much do like mortal company.
Lucky: Oh, because of the Mourning? Yeah, that would make sense. But how did you survive? Did anything happen to you in the Mourning?
Aberration: Yeee-ehhssss, it sssseeeeeems that the Mourning has turned my pond into this green slime. Strangely, I also have seemed to have less and less of an appetite lately.
Lucky: Huh, that's weird. So what are you? Are you an alien? What do you eat?
Aberration: I used to eat humanoids, like your friends over there, but I don't seem to be hungry anymore. Yes, I am an aberration, but to me, you are the alien. My siblings and I have been here millennia before you and your companions' races have been. It is you that is the alien, from my point of view.
Lucky: Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But what are you?
Aberration: I'm a shibboleth. But I'm also a collector of novelties that have been more and more common to this land since the Mists came. Would you like to see my collection?
Lucky: Uhh, sure!
DM: You're sure? Like really sure? (If all of the other red flags were destined to fail, this one absolutely shouldn't have.)
Lucky: Yeah!
At this point, the party is looking nervously at Lucky, as a tentacle rises from the pond and coils around his torso.
Neirena: Lucky! Are you sure this is a good idea!?!?
Lucky: I'll be fine! I don't need to breathe. Even if anything goes wrong, I can just swim back up! (Lucky then mentally commands Slither, telling him that if he's not back up in 10 minutes that Slither should come down and rescue him.)
Zalka: 100 Galifars say that he's not coming back up.
York: Deal (while crouching down to shake Zalka's hand).
Lucky: Heeey! (Lucky says this directed Zalka and York while the Shibboleth's tentacle begins to lower him below the surface of the green-goop-pond.)
As the Shibboleth swims deeper and deeper into the pond, Lucky begins to worry more and more. The slime is very viscous, clings to everything that enters the pond, it is so opaque that Lucky is blinded, and Lucky doesn't have a swimming speed, even if he doesn't need to breathe underwater as a Warforged. Once they're about 600 feet below the surface of the water, the Shibboleth comes to a stop and loosens its grip on Lucky.
Shibboleth: Heeerrre we are! Whaaat do yooooouuuu think of myyy collectioooon?
Lucky (puzzled as he can't see anything down here through the thick, green goop): It's . . . very nice. How long did it take you to collect it all?
Shibboleth: Thaaaank you!! I thought that you would appreciate it! It took me well over a decade, and there was a period of a few years in the middle that I wasn't able to add anything to my collection! Go ahead, feel it!
Lucky (puzzled as he reaches forward): Err, thank you.
As Lucky sticks out his hand, and is startled by a pair of hard, human-like jaws that attempt to clamp down on his fingers.
Lucky (angry and increasingly nervous): What was that!?!?
Shibboleth: Oh, you just met Bitey. Apologies. I'll introduce you to the rest. (The Shibboleth then gestures a tentacle towards the collection, moving it with each name.) This one's Rusty, this is Bucket, these two are Toothless and Steel-Toe. Next we have . . . (he continues on and on until he's listed a total of 27 different names.)
Lucky: Umm . . . nice to meet you all. What are they?
Shibboleth: Warforged! Just like you! I have largest collection of Warforged out of any Shibboleth in the Mournland! I wanted to introduce you to them properly before adding you to my collection. And noooow that you're acquainted with each other . . .
The rest of the party began to have a mixture of reactions; extreme nervousness, hysterical laughter, shocked expressions, and the like. The player playing Lucky says, "Craaaaap. I thought it was going to be something like that", and the rest of the party laughed.
Moral of the Story: Don't go into ponds filled with green goop and monsters with tentacles and cuttlefish eyes. Although it all worked out in the end (through a ton of lucky rolls and strategic decisions), the party came very close to losing a party member to the worst enemy of all: Stupid decisions that the players/characters make.
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
Me: *watching a D&D stream*
Roommate: "How can you watch that? It takes so long for any action."
Me: "...and your audio books with no visual element and written by one single person and also read and roleplayed by one single person get to the action any faster?"
Roommate: "... I... see your point."
Me: *total smugness enabled*
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
*after being polymorphed into a dwarf*
Badger Totem Barbarian who is a stereotypical "Grog no like goblin, Grog smash goblin" barbarian:
*stroking beard* "Badgerman likes beard. Is fluffy like a badger. Badgerman wishes he could grow face-hair. Maybe he will grow some badger-hair on his face."
Life is very busy unfortunately, gone from most Pbp's indefinitely.
If you'd like to contact me, I am on Discord at GreatAxeblade#7595, always happy to chat :)
Homebrew races: ~Otterfolk! Play as a otter!~ Playable Dryad! (Literally just the monster sheet ported to player race)
Sauce Archpriest!- Join the Supreme Court of Sauces! Join the Cult of Cults! EXTENDED SIGNATURE Tooltips
"Justifiable collateral damage"
A quote directly from our table top 5E game, by our GM, regarding my Triton Fighter/Rogue.
Comment made after my character was able to single headedly engage, fight, and kill 5 road bandits, at level 3.
"I think Vandilis fulfils an important role in the group, even if he is a terrifying monstrous killing machine."
“Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You did 2d6+4 damage to my father. Prepare to make a saving throw.”
🤣
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Soooooo. Like all of it?
This Mug immediately shared with me a transcendental tale of an Infinite Mug that anchors the Universe and keeps it from folding in on itself. I filed this report under "illogical nonsense" and asked why its sign is in Times New Roman font, when it is basic knowledge that Arial Black is a far superior font. I wondered: How did this mug even get past the assembly line with its theistic beliefs and poor font choices?
quote from Romantically Apocalyptic by Vitaly S Alexius
For some reason the subject of age came up in a npc conversation and the chap playing a dwarf came out with:
"You know you're old when you have more grey hair growing out of your ears and nose then you do in your beard"
True words, and if you are to young to think so...just wait.
"Why would I want to eat your goo?"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
"Can I make a-"
"Hold on a minute. Are you trying to make a holy hand grenade again?"
i can roll nat 1s on command
my homebrew thingies
Magic Items - Monsters - Subclasses
"Alcoholism... guide me!"
my name is not Bryce
Actor
Certified Dark Sun enjoyer
usually on forum games and not contributing to conversations ¯\_ (ツ)_/
For every user who writes 5 paragraph essays as each of their posts: Remember to touch grass occasionally
From an IceWind Dale game "Hey, come down here they got some good tasting rocks!"
my name is not Bryce
Actor
Certified Dark Sun enjoyer
usually on forum games and not contributing to conversations ¯\_ (ツ)_/
For every user who writes 5 paragraph essays as each of their posts: Remember to touch grass occasionally
"and now the orcs shall spread communism throughout IceWind Dale"
my name is not Bryce
Actor
Certified Dark Sun enjoyer
usually on forum games and not contributing to conversations ¯\_ (ツ)_/
For every user who writes 5 paragraph essays as each of their posts: Remember to touch grass occasionally
Party is fourth level and consists of Venn (tiefling sorceror), Ferrin (half elf wizard), Xanlar (half elf paladin with a sentient life draining dagger named Carl), and Sister Serena (aasimar Life cleric with some impulse control issues). Also accompanying are two NPCs, Phillip (human ranger) and a somewhat shifty kobold who's name we still haven't actually learned. after nine sessions
After clearing a bandit hideout and tying up the only surviving bandit, Serena smashed the lock of a chest in their stash (nobody has lockpicking skills) and got covered in blue mist (made her constitution save, no effect but she looked more or less like an overgrown smurf with sparkling yellow eyes). The bandits had dammed a stream providing fresh water to a village and extorting them for money they didn't have, hence the party agreeing to aid them. The dam mechanism had a missing piece that we were looking for to release the stream.
Serena: We're going to turn you over to the villagers you were extorting for justice, but if you help us make this easier we can put in a good word for you.
Bandit: I'm a simple mercenary! I need coin to survive! I was just doing my job!
Serena: It was your choice to take the job of cruelly extorting a helpless village. A village that couldn't pay your price even if they wanted to, so it was a bad business plan as well as evil. Have you even seen that village? It takes all their effort and resources just to survive in this swamp, they barely have anything of monetary value. Then you tried to kill us when we came to stop you.
Bandit: You're the ones that killed the rest of my crew! And you're still alive, so how about we call it even and you let me go?
Serena: Being bad at your job doesn't absolve you of the guilt from trying.
Serena rolls high on an insight check and notices the bandit side-eying a rock off to one side of the cave lair. Upon inspection it's concealing a stash with, among other things, a piece of pipe that looks like the missing part to the dam mechanism and the key to the chest she bashed open about two minutes earlier.
Serena: I think I'm going to keep this key as a reminder to be patient. And somebody else can try the lever on the dam this time. (She now wears the key as a charm on the chain with her holy symbol medallion)
Party finally traverses the swamp we've been in and gets to a coastal town. Doing some shopping, Ferrin finds a rather nice waterproof backpack made out of high quality, soft leather that he wants for keeping his books and notes dry. He rolls well on a nature check to identify the type of leather.
DM: It's made of dolphin skin.
Ferrin: Uhh, I feel a little guilty but it is really nice so I'll take it.
Party is having drinks in a tavern called "The Creepy Uncle" while figuring out what to do next.
Xanlar: I'll be right back.
Kobold: Yeah, that's what my father said. Then a few years later I found out he has some hatchlings somewhere else.
Kobold points out that a guy across the tavern has been eyeing us.
Kobold: No, don't look! Now he knows we've seen him.
Serena: I get a lot of attention in public places. I'm not exactly inconspicuous with my pale skin and sparkling eyes.
Ferrin: So you're saying it's hard to keep a low profile while next to a magical girl?
Serena: So says the wizard.
Ferrin: I don't sparkle.
Investigating the town, which consists pretty much entirely of a dockside district.
Merchant at a market stall: Come get your fresh fish! Look at this fish, it's so fresh it's still blinking!
Ferrin: It's blinking? What kind of fish even has eyeballs? That's gross!
Merchant: It's not blinking! Um, that was a joke, honest! Come get your fresh fish that doesn't blink!
Passing by the same fish merchant again.
Merchant: I got fresh lobster too! The tongues are delicious!
Xanlar's player was away for a few minutes with a phone call and came back, following bit OOC.
Xanlar: What'd I miss?
Ferrin: Serena is getting propositioned by a bunch of prostitutes.
Serena: They swarmed me when we passed the brothel. There's also a magic shop next to the whorehouse.
Ferrin: Magic happens in both places!
Back in character, the prostitutes start trying to convince Phillip to partake of their services, clearly making the young man uncomfortable.
Phillip: No thank you, really. Uh, I'm gay!
Ferrin: If it's a full service brothel they can probably accommodate that.
Prostitute: Oh, okay. Hey, get the minotaur!
Phillip: I have to go. Somewhere. Now!
We hear the fish monger again, yelling from behind us.
Merchant: Come get your octopus wings! Fresh wings, great for frying!
Ferrin: Where does he get his wares from? What kind of fishermen are supplying him?
Serena: Maybe he ate one of those weird poisonous fish that make you hallucinate. Or just some bad clams or something.
Ferrin: Whatever it is I'm not having any of it.
Serena gives a few coins to a beggar, who then offers to repay the kindness with something of value that he can't use. Sensing an ambush, Serena straps on her shield but still follows. It's an ambush.
Beggar/thug: I know you have money, that's what you get for flashing coin around! Now hand it over or this won't end well for you!
Serena: I gave you four copper! If that's enough for you to think it's a good idea to attack somebody wearing heavy armor and in the company of four uniformed soldiers you're either desperate or stupid! [Serena and Ferrin are the only party members not wearing armbands indicating they're soldiers, and other soldiers are about town as guards for merchants working for our nation's government so the identification should be easy]
Thug: I still like our chances, now hand over your purse, little girl!
Serena: Nobody ever sees the armor, weapons and holy symbol. Just the cute, sparkling young woman that happens to be wearing them all. [OOC] I think I want to roll initiative now.
The fight starts going poorly for the gang as the three thugs surrounding Serena fail to overcome her combination of high AC, spiritual weapon, and a powerful healing spell on herself with Xanlar joining the fray and Ferrin severely wounding the caster backing them up.
Thug leader: Shit! Summon Mr Tickles!
Serena: I do not like the sound of "Mr Tickles!"
Xanlar: That sounds like something you pay extra for back at that brothel!
Then there's a surge in the water by the wharf and the DM ends the session. He likes cliffhangers.
If I were playing, that fishmonger would be a recurring NPC by now! I’d also be experimenting with everything he’s selling, so maybe it’s just as well that the nutty wizardess based on Reverend Jim from Taxi isn’t part of your adventuring party…
I live with several severe autoimmune conditions. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s probably because I’m not feeling well.
It’s not really a funny quote, but we’re playing a homebrew worked where the gods have long disappeared.
my changeling ranger (no one knows she’s a changeling) just woke up the god of the moon and SECRETS. I see no problem here.
Current Characters:
Inara, Changeling, Level 3 Ranger/Gloomstalker
Oraine Bramblebrand, Level 5 Monk/Way of Ascendant Dragon
“Why does she have an acid chocolate pudding!?”
DM: The “Staff Only” door is locked.
Monk: *Draws quarterstaff* “Staff only, huh?”
Everyone: “Don’t try it.”
RIP Tavern.
All hail King Jovan Fluffycloud Prince
Teleporting elf monk supremacy!, but druids are better
[Cactus]Waffles!”I don’t have any good quotes to put in my sig.” -Me
RPO should be official content
Everything is true, but not all is canon.
Everything is canon, but not all is true.
"I'm just watching 3 people run away from a problem they caused" - Player 4, when separated from the party.
Zepper, aasimar bard, has never told a lie or mislead someone in their life. Is trying to remove all secrets from the world.
Temerity, teifling, Way of the Drunken Master pirate monk. She left for 1 month, and now has to save her (big) brothers from a cult.
One from a campaign I took place in yesterday; can't remember the exact wording though:
DM: "So you have been woken up by a deep growling, and as you are getting up these massive jaws clamp down on you, then massive claws dig into as the feeling of venom flow through you; you are NOT having the best of mornings"
Here is another one: "You died when the wolf breathed on you."
no context :)