I've been playing 5e for a few years now, and have only really started Dming about 8 months ago. I don't really have a lot of experience DMing, and as a result don't know how to handle this situation. We shall call them f. My problem with f is that they like to chat with their friends during combat/roleplaying instead of paying attention. Normally, I'd ask them to keep it down and let me talk. My problem with doing this is that they are super sensitive. I tried asking them to keep it down at last week's meeting and they stopped, but the expression on their face was like I had hurt them immensely. I need to find a way to talk to them about it, but I can not afford to lose our friendship. What do I do?
Is the chattiness causing issues for you as the DM? What about the other players? Some tables enjoy a more casual/chatty game.
Or is the real issue the lack of attention? Lack of attention can be improved by engaging as many senses as possible (sound effects/music to set the atmosphere, pictures to show the scene instead of describing it, tokens for the players to hold/manipulate).
Either way, a frank, respectful conversation can help. "I'm having trouble DMing because the players are losing focus. Is there anyway you could help me?"
If the person is going to be super sensitive about it, unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do without risking a blow-up. You could try implementing draconian table rules for the whole group (i.e., the old-school "caller" system where no one can talk to the DM but the caller... + the old school rule that if it is not your turn in the combat round, you are not allowed to talk, and talking "costs" you your action for the round). That would probably force some silence on f, but it would be unpleasant for the rest of the table -- like you are punishing everyone just to have one person not have their feelings hurt.
I agree with Jesse's way of phrasing it but I'd be willing to be my last electrum piece that the person will get hurt anyway, even being as kind as that.
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WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
As with many social things, the "how" is quite important here.
I often favor if/then statements with logical consequences: "If you guys keep chatting while we play, then I won't be able to run this game for you right now." Follow it by offering when a good time to talk will be.
If you don't already, you might want to reserve some social chatting time before or after the game, or even call a 10 minute break in the middle at a good stopping point.
I can only say what works for me. I’m an educator and the best ever technique I saw was to just speak in a sort of lower voice so players need to get the volume lower to hear you. then you can increase once they’re all paying attention. Another is to simply wait until chatting has ceased. Usually some player(s) will notice and it will quiet down. you could also have a sign to signal when you’d like to speak and that chatting during that time is not cool.
depends on your group, as others have said maybe your group likes to chat and you need to feel that out. But I’ve found the above to be helpful for me. And, again, depending on your group, if they miss something due to not paying attention the DM could just rule afterwards that you can’t quite remember certain details so clearly...
there is an important social element and you don’t want to be a Debbie downer but sometimes it’s called for!
I can only say what works for me. I’m an educator and the best ever technique I saw was to just speak in a sort of lower voice so players need to get the volume lower to hear you. then you can increase once they’re all paying attention. Another is to simply wait until chatting has ceased. Usually some player(s) will notice and it will quiet down. you could also have a sign to signal when you’d like to speak and that chatting during that time is not cool.
depends on your group, as others have said maybe your group likes to chat and you need to feel that out. But I’ve found the above to be helpful for me. And, again, depending on your group, if they miss something due to not paying attention the DM could just rule afterwards that you can’t quite remember certain details so clearly...
there is an important social element and you don’t want to be a Debbie downer but sometimes it’s called for!
Some people really look at this game a an excuse to be social. For them it's the hanging out with friends first, and the game could be replaced by anything else and it wouldn't matter to them, and that is why they don't pay much attention, to them the game is the TV on in the background. For people like this, you are going to have to explain where you are coming from, how much time you put into DMing and that getting talked over feels rude.
Another thing to think about is that you probably don't want to call one person out specifically in front of everyone else. Not reprimanding people in front of their peer is one of the first things they teach to mangers of staff. Instead of taking the message to heart, they are more likely to feel defensive.
If you do it 1 on 1 you can make it feel like you want to work on something with them to make it better. If you do it in the moment instead of afterward you are also more likely to do it out of being annoyed in that moment and that is probably going to come across in your tone.
Tell them to text if they need to chat OOC. Less distracting.
I have kind of a short attention span, so I used to be sort of like f. I get where they’re coming from. Gaming is a social thing. Just be kind to them and tell them to text so they don’t distract the other players.
Like Bodanger stated, for many folks the social interaction is more important than either the game or the story. And that’s okay. But sometimes it throws thing out of balance when the rest of the table cares more about the game and the narrative specifically, and the social interaction less.
callmeLothar gave some great advice. When lots of crosstalk happens while I’m DMing, sometimes I just stop talking and wait it out. I go into “time out” and just sit there patiently until one of the players notices and brings it back in.
Sometimes, you just gotta let them chat for a few minutes, maybe even join in a little. Those are the times that the group kinda collectively decides to take 5 or 10 and talk about something else. Kinda like a little break.
One of my personally preferred methods is to simply say “That’s [awesome/funny/whatever], but unfortunately that’s not happening in [name of the town that adventuring party is in].” And then just move on with the game. It acknowledges that what they said isn’t wrong, but that it has nothing to do with the session. Say that a couple of times in a session and usually people start to police themselves a little better. After a couple sessions it just gets recognized as a polite reminder of why everyone is there. After that, you might only need it once or twice per session every once in a while.
If “F” still persists in causing distraction, you will likely need to have a conversation with them. Good luck!
A dead silent DM is the best remedy here. I have done this many times. Just stop the game. Sit back and stare at them with a smile. Every time.
Some thoughts. Someone who valued your friendship wouldn't do that to you. They show a lack of respect for you, the group and the work you put into the campaign. If they are hurt by you asking them to have respect for everyone, then their self-centeredness would make them friends I wouldn't bother keeping. My $ 0.02
You could also start noisily and ostentatiously rolling dice behind the screen if you are in person. That tends to freak players out and draw their attention. It works especially well if you get some of those nice heavy metal dice that make a loud THUNK when you roll them.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
Obviously not everyones style but as a DM of mostly older player'e the youngest being 25 going into our game we all knew we were there to play D&D but at the same time our gaming sessions were akin to other people going out to pub or a club. We are there to have a drink, chat and catch up but at the same time play the game.
It obviously takes longer to progress through the game and I know thats not to everyones taste. However when I am talking as DM there is an understanding made clear going into the game that they should be paying attention and during combat yeah, chat have a laugh but pay attention as to what's going on.
Again I know not everyone is looking for that in their game. Like mentioned above, have a quiet one on one word with said player letting them know it's not personal and that yes they are free to converse and catch up but when you are acting as DM be polite enough to pay attention to the game.
My experience with social players who want to chat at the table and become offended when you ask them to keep it down is that the problem isn't that you are asking them to keep it down, its that your calling them out at the table. More than that a lot of social people really don't see "being social" in a social situation which D&D is as being rude to anyone and they may find it kind of rude when someone tries to hush them. Its not unlike being at a party and someone comes over and asks you to keep it down, its kind of like, "look man its a party, if you want people to be quiet at a party, you shouldn't throw parties, that's not how a party works". Which I sort of get, though I would argue that there is room for some basic courtesy.
In any case, I think a side conversation where you explain to them that by talking during scenes with other players, they are disrupting the game making it really difficult for you to concentrate should be enough for any reasonable human being to understand and not be offended by the request and I agree with most people here, friend or not, someone who can't understand that and refuses to show some courtesy is being a real jerk and you have every right to get offended and pissed about it. I find it a strange sentiment that because someone is your friend that this is an excuse for them to be rude to you, I mean, it should be the exact opposite.. aka because they are your friend you should be able to expect extra courtesy and politeness, your friends should be treating you better then the average stranger not worse.
I totally agree with your first paragraph. The second one makes sense too.
I had an issue somewhat similar with players being difficult and sensitive. Once at D&D AL, one of the other DM's couldn't make it, so I ended up with a good ten players. A friend of mine from school had also come along, but didn't have a mini, dice, character, etc. This happens all the time of course, usually with pencils, and I'll ask the the person (or people) the race and class of their character and give them a mini that suited it well. This time, however, we had about three new players, who needed a run down on the basics of the game, so we were already late to start. I told my friend that I didn't have much time to help (or let) them pick out a mini from my case, so I took out a random one, and handed It to them, they said, "No" and tossed it back at me. This repeated a few times, until the mini's sword poked me in the eye when they threw it, I said "Ow!" (obviously) and they just started crying.
Moral of the story is, this person was just kinda spoiled. Like casually calling me and saying, "can you buy me and (other friend) starbucks?" not inviting me or anything, just asking for money. Sorry to nag, it just really bugs me. I'd probably suggest pulling them aside and asking them really nicely if they could please be less chatty. Maybe say we, it makes them feel more inclined to do it.
I've been playing 5e for a few years now, and have only really started Dming about 8 months ago. I don't really have a lot of experience DMing, and as a result don't know how to handle this situation. We shall call them f. My problem with f is that they like to chat with their friends during combat/roleplaying instead of paying attention. Normally, I'd ask them to keep it down and let me talk. My problem with doing this is that they are super sensitive. I tried asking them to keep it down at last week's meeting and they stopped, but the expression on their face was like I had hurt them immensely. I need to find a way to talk to them about it, but I can not afford to lose our friendship. What do I do?
Is the chattiness causing issues for you as the DM? What about the other players? Some tables enjoy a more casual/chatty game.
Or is the real issue the lack of attention? Lack of attention can be improved by engaging as many senses as possible (sound effects/music to set the atmosphere, pictures to show the scene instead of describing it, tokens for the players to hold/manipulate).
Either way, a frank, respectful conversation can help. "I'm having trouble DMing because the players are losing focus. Is there anyway you could help me?"
If the person is going to be super sensitive about it, unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do without risking a blow-up. You could try implementing draconian table rules for the whole group (i.e., the old-school "caller" system where no one can talk to the DM but the caller... + the old school rule that if it is not your turn in the combat round, you are not allowed to talk, and talking "costs" you your action for the round). That would probably force some silence on f, but it would be unpleasant for the rest of the table -- like you are punishing everyone just to have one person not have their feelings hurt.
I agree with Jesse's way of phrasing it but I'd be willing to be my last electrum piece that the person will get hurt anyway, even being as kind as that.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
As with many social things, the "how" is quite important here.
I often favor if/then statements with logical consequences: "If you guys keep chatting while we play, then I won't be able to run this game for you right now." Follow it by offering when a good time to talk will be.
If you don't already, you might want to reserve some social chatting time before or after the game, or even call a 10 minute break in the middle at a good stopping point.
I can only say what works for me.
I’m an educator and the best ever technique I saw was to just speak in a sort of lower voice so players need to get the volume lower to hear you. then you can increase once they’re all paying attention.
Another is to simply wait until chatting has ceased. Usually some player(s) will notice and it will quiet down.
you could also have a sign to signal when you’d like to speak and that chatting during that time is not cool.
depends on your group, as others have said maybe your group likes to chat and you need to feel that out. But I’ve found the above to be helpful for me. And, again, depending on your group, if they miss something due to not paying attention the DM could just rule afterwards that you can’t quite remember certain details so clearly...
there is an important social element and you don’t want to be a Debbie downer but sometimes it’s called for!
good luck!
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Woah I like that idea! tysm
A few things to consider
Some people really look at this game a an excuse to be social. For them it's the hanging out with friends first, and the game could be replaced by anything else and it wouldn't matter to them, and that is why they don't pay much attention, to them the game is the TV on in the background. For people like this, you are going to have to explain where you are coming from, how much time you put into DMing and that getting talked over feels rude.
Another thing to think about is that you probably don't want to call one person out specifically in front of everyone else. Not reprimanding people in front of their peer is one of the first things they teach to mangers of staff. Instead of taking the message to heart, they are more likely to feel defensive.
If you do it 1 on 1 you can make it feel like you want to work on something with them to make it better. If you do it in the moment instead of afterward you are also more likely to do it out of being annoyed in that moment and that is probably going to come across in your tone.
Tell them to text if they need to chat OOC. Less distracting.
I have kind of a short attention span, so I used to be sort of like f. I get where they’re coming from. Gaming is a social thing. Just be kind to them and tell them to text so they don’t distract the other players.
Like Bodanger stated, for many folks the social interaction is more important than either the game or the story. And that’s okay. But sometimes it throws thing out of balance when the rest of the table cares more about the game and the narrative specifically, and the social interaction less.
callmeLothar gave some great advice. When lots of crosstalk happens while I’m DMing, sometimes I just stop talking and wait it out. I go into “time out” and just sit there patiently until one of the players notices and brings it back in.
Sometimes, you just gotta let them chat for a few minutes, maybe even join in a little. Those are the times that the group kinda collectively decides to take 5 or 10 and talk about something else. Kinda like a little break.
One of my personally preferred methods is to simply say “That’s [awesome/funny/whatever], but unfortunately that’s not happening in [name of the town that adventuring party is in].” And then just move on with the game. It acknowledges that what they said isn’t wrong, but that it has nothing to do with the session. Say that a couple of times in a session and usually people start to police themselves a little better. After a couple sessions it just gets recognized as a polite reminder of why everyone is there. After that, you might only need it once or twice per session every once in a while.
If “F” still persists in causing distraction, you will likely need to have a conversation with them. Good luck!
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A dead silent DM is the best remedy here. I have done this many times. Just stop the game. Sit back and stare at them with a smile. Every time.
Some thoughts. Someone who valued your friendship wouldn't do that to you. They show a lack of respect for you, the group and the work you put into the campaign. If they are hurt by you asking them to have respect for everyone, then their self-centeredness would make them friends I wouldn't bother keeping. My $ 0.02
Silence is good.
You could also start noisily and ostentatiously rolling dice behind the screen if you are in person. That tends to freak players out and draw their attention. It works especially well if you get some of those nice heavy metal dice that make a loud THUNK when you roll them.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
Obviously not everyones style but as a DM of mostly older player'e the youngest being 25 going into our game we all knew we were there to play D&D but at the same time our gaming sessions were akin to other people going out to pub or a club. We are there to have a drink, chat and catch up but at the same time play the game.
It obviously takes longer to progress through the game and I know thats not to everyones taste. However when I am talking as DM there is an understanding made clear going into the game that they should be paying attention and during combat yeah, chat have a laugh but pay attention as to what's going on.
Again I know not everyone is looking for that in their game. Like mentioned above, have a quiet one on one word with said player letting them know it's not personal and that yes they are free to converse and catch up but when you are acting as DM be polite enough to pay attention to the game.
I totally agree with your first paragraph. The second one makes sense too.
I had an issue somewhat similar with players being difficult and sensitive. Once at D&D AL, one of the other DM's couldn't make it, so I ended up with a good ten players. A friend of mine from school had also come along, but didn't have a mini, dice, character, etc. This happens all the time of course, usually with pencils, and I'll ask the the person (or people) the race and class of their character and give them a mini that suited it well. This time, however, we had about three new players, who needed a run down on the basics of the game, so we were already late to start. I told my friend that I didn't have much time to help (or let) them pick out a mini from my case, so I took out a random one, and handed It to them, they said, "No" and tossed it back at me. This repeated a few times, until the mini's sword poked me in the eye when they threw it, I said "Ow!" (obviously) and they just started crying.
Moral of the story is, this person was just kinda spoiled. Like casually calling me and saying, "can you buy me and (other friend) starbucks?" not inviting me or anything, just asking for money. Sorry to nag, it just really bugs me. I'd probably suggest pulling them aside and asking them really nicely if they could please be less chatty. Maybe say we, it makes them feel more inclined to do it.
kill their character.