You make me wish there was a Disguise Others spell.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Look at that, everyone! They can speak Common!
*to party members* You know, it's good we aren't facing intellect devourers. *looks at opponent* Oh, not you. You'd be fine.
The only difference between you and the mud on my boots is that the mud is going to be going somewhere.
Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today? (You can replace stupid with something else. ex: ugly, lazy, weak
I didn't know Sh*t Golems existed until you showed up.
The only things you've ever killed are my expectations.
*looks at party* Well, looks like the village idiot escaped again.
It's incredible that you can bring such joy to a room by leaving it.
Is there some Elemental Plane of Stupid you came from?
If laughter is the best medicine, then your fighting could cure the multiverse.
Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it? That would be more effective than you trying.
What are you going to use as a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
Okay...
Maybe that was more than a few.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Hi all, I'm Druid_Girl31, but please call me Druid. I am (a/an) CERTIFIED INSOMNIAC, PAN, alterhuman,BADDD DM, and obsessed with HAMILTON! Why? I'm just cool like that!
"Horse's arse, son of swine, fool before all, if ever a wise decision thou were to make, fall to your knees and beg for mercy, for the gods haveth none on one so ugly as yourself."
"I gaze upon ye and behold a sight so gruesome even the cockatrice flee in fear, hideous beyond any gorgon, gaze upon a still lake and witness the power of repulsion that thou appearance brings."
"The sight of ye leaves not a doubt, verily I declare ye fool of fools, champion of swine, insult to thine own family. On mine honor I must purge the plain of the stain ye existence brings upon it, no ghast carries stench so foul as thine own self."
"Shame upon ye, harbinger of failure, bearer of incompetence. In a land of the stupid, thou arst crowned king. **** thine own mother."
"Spare mine blade the blood of another fool and end thyself swiftly."
"Thoust arte no blade, thy wit too dull. Thou arte no mace, thy strength too pathetic. Thou iseth not a shield, thy body too feeble. If thou were wise, then flee, for no master could find a use for a specimen worthless as thou arte."
These are GOOD! Almost like an excerpt from one of Shakespeare's plays.
Amazon sells a random Shakespeare insult generator: you choose an adjective or two, combine these with a random noun and a Shakespeare style insult is the result.
Playing a Gnome Bard, whose personal possession is "The Book of Vicious Mockeries", allowing me to make a whole google doc full of Vicious Mockeries (some of which I stole from this thread) that would probably one-shot several enemies
Here are some favorites of mine
“I am a freaking GNOME and I am taller than you”
“When a wizard cast locate object on your brain, HIS brain exploded inside his skull because it is IMPOSSIBLE to find an object that does not exist. Speaking of exploding brains, if YOURS exploded, it wouldn’t even mess up a single hair, seeing as it is non-existent, making you a buffoon, an oaf, an idiot, a moron, and an imbecile"
“The earth becomes flat every time you go too far in one direction because it wants you OFF”
“If you tripped over your shoelace, the flat earthers would be right”
“Eminem would DIE before he could finish making a diss track about you, considering there is a lot to diss”
“I’m glad my Player chose milestone points, because you would have given me NEGATIVE experience points”
“Mr. Krabs would HAPPILY give you the secret formula, because you are too dumb to read OR comprehend it”
“You are so dumb that horror movie characters pity you”
“Big Brother would give up trying to force your mind to think in conformity, because you don’t freaking have one”
“Hey sorry for killing your mom and dad, I thought they were orcs” (bonus points if you’re fighting an orc)
“You smell like if a cow’s bottomsplatter and a Bugbear’s urine had a child”
“Did you, perchance, snort glue as a child?”
“You look like your entire collective family has -84 IQ”
“If looking good was a crime, you would be a completely law abiding citizen.”
I'd post the link to the whole doc, but then anyone in the world could edit it.
I only have a few but they're fun anyhow.
My first encounter I delivered the final blow and my final insult was "And that's why yo shoes raggedy."
there's also "You have 2 brain cells and they're fighting for 3rd place."
"Anyone can smith at the cosmic anvil, yet only I can forge a weapon as good as thee."
My Homebrew Please click it, they have my family.
Ni!
You absolute cabbage.
If I haven’t offended you, don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll get to you eventually.
I’m gonna quote The Three Amigos and say “Well, you slime-eating dog, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!”
also, from The Walking Drum:
”If it’s a battle of wits you want, a battle of wits you shall have!”
”Sorry, I don’t fight unarmed men.”
If I haven’t offended you, don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll get to you eventually.
You are so moronic you gave an intellect devourer indigestion.
To any undead- "Get a life!"
To a dwarf- "My mother has a thicker beard than that!"
Do you understand common? Or need I cast speak with animals.
I know what you're thinking, did he use up all his Ki points or does he still have one, well, are you feeling lucky punk?
Man that was brutal
Speak with Dead, perhaps?
That is, if they possess the mental faculties to answer five questions.
Or even understand the number.
Let’s be honest; they’d be more useful at that point than how this conversation is going currently. ; )
Had a story-obsessed Bard at one point:
”You’re like a book with no spine!”
”You’re life has no climax…your life is nothing but falling action; with no resolution!”
”You aren’t even deserving of an epilogue!”
“No sequels for you.”
”My editor told me to look for errors; I think we’ll start with you.”
Thanks all
I know what you're thinking, did he use up all his Ki points or does he still have one, well, are you feeling lucky punk?
Here's a few...
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't you happier?
You make me wish there was a Disguise Others spell.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Look at that, everyone! They can speak Common!
*to party members* You know, it's good we aren't facing intellect devourers. *looks at opponent* Oh, not you. You'd be fine.
The only difference between you and the mud on my boots is that the mud is going to be going somewhere.
Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today? (You can replace stupid with something else. ex: ugly, lazy, weak
I didn't know Sh*t Golems existed until you showed up.
The only things you've ever killed are my expectations.
*looks at party* Well, looks like the village idiot escaped again.
It's incredible that you can bring such joy to a room by leaving it.
Is there some Elemental Plane of Stupid you came from?
If laughter is the best medicine, then your fighting could cure the multiverse.
Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it? That would be more effective than you trying.
What are you going to use as a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
Okay...
Maybe that was more than a few.
Hi all, I'm Druid_Girl31, but please call me Druid. I am (a/an) CERTIFIED INSOMNIAC, PAN, alterhuman, BADDD DM, and obsessed with HAMILTON! Why? I'm just cool like that!
She/her pronouns please. TITLES: Savior of the Woods by Drummer! Send me a PM! PRAISE JEFF! Join the Hamilton Cult! Hate on Gen Alpha Slang! <--- ( all links)
I lost any measure of sanity I ever had a long time ago!
“I don’t worship any gods and even I’m praying for anyone who has to look at that” (gestures towards opponent) “for more than a second”
(Dramatic retching noise) “What do you brush your teeth with? Cat p*ss?”
“My pet fish poses a bigger threat than you.”
“I’d throw you into a bag of devouring, but it’d probably spit you right back out with the rest of the garbage.”
“The ‘grotesque mask’ competition is at the next tavern, a few streets away. Oh, that’s your face? That explains a lot.”
“Your parents abandoning you is no excuse for that behavior. And by behavior I mean that hideous thing you’re wearing. Burn it, it can’t be righted.”
“Any sentient being with taste buds would rather eat a spoiled egg on a cowpie than you.”
“You smell so bad that you make sewer rats retch.”
“I think even a beholder would scream in horror at your monstrosity.”
“You’re a prime example of why natural selection is bullsh*t.”
“You’re not a halfling? Then how are you still alive? Nobody is that lucky. Or short, for that matter.”
“A kobold can beat you at dragonchess.”
“I’ve seen barbarians more sophisticated than you. In all fields.”
“I’m not fighting you. It’d be a waste of talent. My talents, that is.”
These are GOOD! Almost like an excerpt from one of Shakespeare's plays.
Amazon sells a random Shakespeare insult generator: you choose an adjective or two, combine these with a random noun and a Shakespeare style insult is the result.
From a Warforged or Autognome: Meatbag!
Find your own truth, choose your enemies carefully, and never deal with a dragon.
"Canon" is what's factual to D&D lore. "Cannon" is what you're going to be shot with if you keep getting the word wrong.
Playing a Gnome Bard, whose personal possession is "The Book of Vicious Mockeries", allowing me to make a whole google doc full of Vicious Mockeries (some of which I stole from this thread) that would probably one-shot several enemies
Here are some favorites of mine
“I am a freaking GNOME and I am taller than you”
“When a wizard cast locate object on your brain, HIS brain exploded inside his skull because it is IMPOSSIBLE to find an object that does not exist. Speaking of exploding brains, if YOURS exploded, it wouldn’t even mess up a single hair, seeing as it is non-existent, making you a buffoon, an oaf, an idiot, a moron, and an imbecile"
“The earth becomes flat every time you go too far in one direction because it wants you OFF”
“If you tripped over your shoelace, the flat earthers would be right”
“Eminem would DIE before he could finish making a diss track about you, considering there is a lot to diss”
“I’m glad my Player chose milestone points, because you would have given me NEGATIVE experience points”
“Mr. Krabs would HAPPILY give you the secret formula, because you are too dumb to read OR comprehend it”
“You are so dumb that horror movie characters pity you”
“Big Brother would give up trying to force your mind to think in conformity, because you don’t freaking have one”
“Hey sorry for killing your mom and dad, I thought they were orcs” (bonus points if you’re fighting an orc)
“You smell like if a cow’s bottomsplatter and a Bugbear’s urine had a child”
“Did you, perchance, snort glue as a child?”
“You look like your entire collective family has -84 IQ”
“If looking good was a crime, you would be a completely law abiding citizen.”
I'd post the link to the whole doc, but then anyone in the world could edit it.