"Isn't that a coma?" "Yes, that would be a coma. Or hibernation"
"Guys, while I was unconscious, I had an image of a powerful deity. The deity died, and the thirteen parts of his body that remained came to life. The last thing I remember before waking up was an immense heat and light that seemed to come from my body, although I was unable to see with all the light." "That might be the fire damage."
"Are you alright?" "Ngh... N-no..." "Well at least he's being honest this time..."
"Am I about to accidentally multiclass into a cleric?" "Maybe :3"
"B****. Motherf***er. A**hole. B****. Blood Archon? More like B**** A**hole."
"What's your favorite food? Mine is chicky nuggies...(Rambles for a while about food) -but if you get the chance, you should really try MAGIC MISSILE TIMES THREE B****!!!"
"Wait, you mean he's still alive?!? FEL, WAKE UP YOU B****!"
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
"Everyone got arrested because I forgot about the law and committed arson"
Forgetting the law exists happens
Reminds me of a 5e campaign based on an MMO world. A pair of NPC guards were apprehending one of the player characters who was loudly announcing how the Wanted posters for the party were false while the other 3 slowly hid themselves out of view after failing to convince the loud PC that it was a bad idea. One of the hiding PCs cast Sleep (and didn't care if it put the loud OC to sleep as well), and it was enough for only one of the NPC guards.
The other guard did as NPCs in an MMO might do: Switched aggro into an alert mode, alert mode timed out, NPC returned to its patrol route as if nothing happened.
Still awake NPC guard (DM): "What's that then?" *looks around* "Someone's prowlin' 'round 'ere." *puts sword away* "Musta been the wind." *wanders off having completely forgotten the sleeping NPC guard fallen on top of apprehended PC* *Other PCs rescue their apprehended player from the sleeping NPC.* Freed PC: "I have an idea I think we should go. Turns out telling them about the poster was a bad idea." Other PCs (restraining themselves from facepalming): "Yes. We should leave. Good idea."
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
(Barbarian looks down at the dripping burlap sack in his hand)
Barbarian: "That's, uh...Will."
(Will is our "dwarf" Forge Cleric...a human who believes that he's a dwarf)
-some hours beforehand-
Paladin: "Alright...beholder's dead. Is everyone alright?"
(Warlock looks behind a giant metal ball, currently embedded in a crater in the wall)
Warlock: "Uh...I believe we have a problem."
(Barbarian looks to where the Warlock is pointing, behind the giant metal ball, and whistles)
Barbarian: "Oof...Will got splattered."
Paladin: "By the gods...we will need to revive him. Someone get the cleric and..."
(they all pause a moment, and realization hits them)
Everyone: "Aw, sh*t."
- back at the present -
Barbarian: "So now we need to speak to the lich-lady to see if she can bring him back."
Paladin: "Which I am NOT okay with."
Fighter: "Why didn't you just protect him to begin with?!"
Warlock: "To be fair, he's nearly died in the Tomb of the Nine Gods almost four times now."
Barbarian: (counting fingers) "...surrounded alone by minotaurs...drowned in a chamber of wine...ripped apart by flesh-tearers...I thought the man was pretty much indestructible, until..."
Grung ranger: I try to ply the guards extremely tight armor off with my hands
Wizard: Ill cover you with a ummmmm ill do find familiar
Grung ranger: Why whould you do find familiar your just gonna dance around for an hour doing a ritual until a rat goes on your shoulder and by then ill be in jail.
Wizard: Thats the point ( She said with a devious smile ) I CAST FIND FIND FAMILIAR
Grung ranger. I guess i roll a strength or what ever to ply the guards armor open. Oh god i got a 1
DM: Your fragile frog fingers are trapped in the guards armor and he takes out his rapier and holds it to your neck
NPC: The Forest of Shadow is deadly. None who enter return alive. Druid: Nice. There are some people here who I probably wouldn't care too much if they were to die. *Murderhobo rogue glares at druid.* Druid: No hard feelings, though.
Sorcerer: Where in the Forest of Shadow are we trying to go exactly? DM (dramatic voice): Your objective lies in the lightless heart of the Forest of Shadow. Sorcerer: Oh, so right above the 'f' on the map, right?
Sorcerer: If he's going to travel with us, we should probably ask him if he's willing to die, because we're probably going to die.
Rogue (about NPC he just met): Does he not like me? Sorcerer: He doesn't know you yet. Rogue: Okay, he probably doesn't like me.
All stars fade. Some stars forever fall. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Homebrew (Mostly Outdated):Magic Items,Monsters,Spells,Subclasses ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If there was no light, people wouldn't fear the dark.
(to a new player whose character was downed) DM: "No. You're just unconscious. Here's how death works in D&D."
*later*
(after rolling a crit attack and preparing to roll damage against the same character whose player dumped the CON score) DM: "Here's how instant death works in D&D."
(The resulting damage took the character from full health to 0 exactly. The creature's crit was capable of doing over double that character's full HP - the player seriously dumped the CON score in order to make the character extremely hard to hit and do better damage.)
(I apparently don't know the difference between who's and whose.)🤦🏻♂️
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Player 4: "...with disadvantage. Let's see if you can get worse than a 1."
*Player 3, still facepalming, rolls without even bothering to look.*
Player 4: "He did it! It's worse than a 1!"
(It wasn't, but with as bad of rolls that player was having...)
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Me(DM): there are 2 hobgoblins warlords, both holding their swords and spell scrolls of dispel dragon
druid 2 turns later: i'm going to summon my red dragon ally(it was a LOT of nat 20s to get it to be their ally)
me: hobgoblin 1 uses his spell scroll of dispel dragon
wizard: i counterspell it
me: well then the other one uses it too
warlock: i counterspell that one
me(dying inside): i guess your adult red dragon is summoned and destroys everything then
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
NNCHRIS: SOUL THIEF, MASTER OF THE ARCANE, AND KING OF NEW YORKNN Gdl Creator of Ilheia and her Knights of the Fallen Stars ldG Lesser Student of Technomancy [undergrad student in computer science] Supporter of the 2014 rules, and a MASSIVE Homebrewer. Come to me all ye who seek salvation in wording thy brews! Open to homebrew trades at any time!! Or feel free to request HB, and Ill see if I can get it done for ya! Characters (Outdated)
DM (me): "As you continue following the descending tunnel, the path eventually opens up into a larger cavernous area. In the middle of the cave, you find the remains of a crude campsite, but there doesn't appear to be anybody else here right now. As you quickly scan the area, this room appears to be a deadend."
Player 1 (half-elven sorcerer): "I want to search for secret doors! I start running my hands all over the walls and pushing on any strange looking stones."
Player 2 (dwarven fighter): *sigh* "I didn't know that rocks could cry..."
Me: Watch this! This is Fireball. Viewer: Wow! That wiped all of them out! Wait. Is that one of your party down now? Actually, I think that's two of them. Look! Even that caster is down, too. Me: Yeah, but I always make sure to keep the healer outside of the blast. As long as she's up, I can always get the others back on their feet. Viewer: That's a bit messed up. Me: Bah. What're they gonna do? Rebel? Viewer: They should make a game where the party leaves if the player keeps getting them killed. Me: They're not dead. Healing wouldn't work. Viewer: Okay. Mortally injured, then. How would you like it if someone kept making you stand inside your own fireball blast? Me: I'd love it. Viewer: No you wouldn't. Me: Why not? Those characters love it. Viewer: What makes you say that? Me: They haven't left the party.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"Wait, you mean he's still alive?!? FEL, WAKE UP YOU B****!"
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
DM: Hang on while I check the blast radius for this. I was not expecting this to happen.
("this" was the party accidentally causing an explosion equivalent to the Beirut disaster)
Nikolai Buckman | vampire | bard
Solace Redgrove | tiefling | bard
Group gets introduced to a NPC named Atticus
Everyone "Hello Nice to meet you"
Very old Warlock that is 90% wrinkles "Hello Big Boy"
Atticus "I'm into guys but not you"
Warlock grows mushrooms in the corner of the cave
Reminds me of a 5e campaign based on an MMO world. A pair of NPC guards were apprehending one of the player characters who was loudly announcing how the Wanted posters for the party were false while the other 3 slowly hid themselves out of view after failing to convince the loud PC that it was a bad idea. One of the hiding PCs cast Sleep (and didn't care if it put the loud OC to sleep as well), and it was enough for only one of the NPC guards.
The other guard did as NPCs in an MMO might do: Switched aggro into an alert mode, alert mode timed out, NPC returned to its patrol route as if nothing happened.
Still awake NPC guard (DM): "What's that then?" *looks around* "Someone's prowlin' 'round 'ere." *puts sword away* "Musta been the wind." *wanders off having completely forgotten the sleeping NPC guard fallen on top of apprehended PC*
*Other PCs rescue their apprehended player from the sleeping NPC.*
Freed PC: "I have an idea I think we should go. Turns out telling them about the poster was a bad idea."
Other PCs (restraining themselves from facepalming): "Yes. We should leave. Good idea."
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Me: *Strolls into Elvish Village riding a bear and humming the Russian national anthem with the bear playing a lute*
Locals: *Frightened*
Guard: What do you think you're doing?
Me: What does it look like I'm doing
Guard: It looks like you're riding a bear.
Me: Then that is what I'm doing
Player3 to DM: If they come near me I act like I don't know them
: Systems Online : Nikoli_Goodfellow Homebrew : My WIP Homebrew Class :
(\_/)
( u u)
o/ \🥛🍪 Hey, take care of yourself alright?
Fighter: "What's in the bag?"
(Barbarian looks down at the dripping burlap sack in his hand)
Barbarian: "That's, uh...Will."
(Will is our "dwarf" Forge Cleric...a human who believes that he's a dwarf)
-some hours beforehand-
Paladin: "Alright...beholder's dead. Is everyone alright?"
(Warlock looks behind a giant metal ball, currently embedded in a crater in the wall)
Warlock: "Uh...I believe we have a problem."
(Barbarian looks to where the Warlock is pointing, behind the giant metal ball, and whistles)
Barbarian: "Oof...Will got splattered."
Paladin: "By the gods...we will need to revive him. Someone get the cleric and..."
(they all pause a moment, and realization hits them)
Everyone: "Aw, sh*t."
- back at the present -
Barbarian: "So now we need to speak to the lich-lady to see if she can bring him back."
Paladin: "Which I am NOT okay with."
Fighter: "Why didn't you just protect him to begin with?!"
Warlock: "To be fair, he's nearly died in the Tomb of the Nine Gods almost four times now."
Barbarian: (counting fingers) "...surrounded alone by minotaurs...drowned in a chamber of wine...ripped apart by flesh-tearers...I thought the man was pretty much indestructible, until..."
Paladin: "...balls to the wall."
Grung ranger: I try to ply the guards extremely tight armor off with my hands
Wizard: Ill cover you with a ummmmm ill do find familiar
Grung ranger: Why whould you do find familiar your just gonna dance around for an hour doing a ritual until a rat goes on your shoulder and by then ill be in jail.
Wizard: Thats the point ( She said with a devious smile ) I CAST FIND FIND FAMILIAR
Grung ranger. I guess i roll a strength or what ever to ply the guards armor open. Oh god i got a 1
DM: Your fragile frog fingers are trapped in the guards armor and he takes out his rapier and holds it to your neck
KNIGHT OF RANDOM
Halike Morgad the Dhampir fist of arlo
Sir strange one of the centaurs
“Great, now every monk ever teleports onto other people’s backs.”
”Can he leap out of the water dolphin style while breathing fire? Just for cosmetics.”
“While, one character rolls in carrion already. Why not make it two?”
”That’s either a new and interesting NPC, or a hag pretending to be a new and interesting NPC.”
*Talking to a pebble* “We’re not gonna drop you this time. But you won’t be so lucky next time, PUNK.”
RIP Tavern.
All hail King Jovan Fluffycloud Prince
Teleporting elf monk supremacy!, but druids are better
[Cactus]Waffles!”I don’t have any good quotes to put in my sig.” -Me
Here's a few from my most recent session.
NPC: The Forest of Shadow is deadly. None who enter return alive.
Druid: Nice. There are some people here who I probably wouldn't care too much if they were to die.
*Murderhobo rogue glares at druid.*
Druid: No hard feelings, though.
Sorcerer: Where in the Forest of Shadow are we trying to go exactly?
DM (dramatic voice): Your objective lies in the lightless heart of the Forest of Shadow.
Sorcerer: Oh, so right above the 'f' on the map, right?
Sorcerer: If he's going to travel with us, we should probably ask him if he's willing to die, because we're probably going to die.
Rogue (about NPC he just met): Does he not like me?
Sorcerer: He doesn't know you yet.
Rogue: Okay, he probably doesn't like me.
All stars fade. Some stars forever fall.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homebrew (Mostly Outdated): Magic Items, Monsters, Spells, Subclasses
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If there was no light, people wouldn't fear the dark.
Centaur: "Should I roll Animal Handling for the corpse?"
(paraphrase)
(to a new player whose character was downed)
DM: "No. You're just unconscious. Here's how death works in D&D."
*later*
(after rolling a crit attack and preparing to roll damage against the same character whose player dumped the CON score)
DM: "Here's how instant death works in D&D."
(The resulting damage took the character from full health to 0 exactly. The creature's crit was capable of doing over double that character's full HP - the player seriously dumped the CON score in order to make the character extremely hard to hit and do better damage.)
(I apparently don't know the difference between who's and whose.)🤦🏻♂️
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Player 3: "It's a 1." *facepalms* "FFS."
Player 4: "...with disadvantage. Let's see if you can get worse than a 1."
*Player 3, still facepalming, rolls without even bothering to look.*
Player 4: "He did it! It's worse than a 1!"
(It wasn't, but with as bad of rolls that player was having...)
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Wizard: I cast fireball.
Murderhobo Monk: Everyone get down!
Willingly Possessed Human Fighter(Me): I continue playing the flute.
I have a weird sense of humor.
I also make maps.(That's a link)
"I stab him nonlethally in the throat."
Come participate in the Competition of the Finest Brews, Edition XXVIII?
My homebrew stuff:
Spells, Monsters, Magic Items, Feats, Subclasses.
I am an Archfey, but nobody seems to notice.
Extended Signature
Me(DM): there are 2 hobgoblins warlords, both holding their swords and spell scrolls of dispel dragon
druid 2 turns later: i'm going to summon my red dragon ally(it was a LOT of nat 20s to get it to be their ally)
me: hobgoblin 1 uses his spell scroll of dispel dragon
wizard: i counterspell it
me: well then the other one uses it too
warlock: i counterspell that one
me(dying inside): i guess your adult red dragon is summoned and destroys everything then
NNCHRIS: SOUL THIEF, MASTER OF THE ARCANE, AND KING OF NEW YORKNN
Gdl Creator of Ilheia and her Knights of the Fallen Stars ldG
Lesser Student of Technomancy [undergrad student in computer science]
Supporter of the 2014 rules, and a MASSIVE Homebrewer. Come to me all ye who seek salvation in wording thy brews!
Open to homebrew trades at any time!! Or feel free to request HB, and Ill see if I can get it done for ya!
Characters (Outdated)
Level 1 player: I don't know why, but my character sheet says I have a bomb.
Come participate in the Competition of the Finest Brews, Edition XXVIII?
My homebrew stuff:
Spells, Monsters, Magic Items, Feats, Subclasses.
I am an Archfey, but nobody seems to notice.
Extended Signature
(I'm getting pick pocketed)
Wizard: he's being robbed!
Me: What?!
(Thief starts to run away)
Wizard: Don't worry I got this! *Casts Fireball*
Me and everyone else in crowded street: Wait no!
Black Lives Matter
Count as high as you can before Nikoli_Goodfellow Posts!
Extended Signature, The Best Paradox, We all knew it.
I participate in the Level 20 Gladiator Arena with several champions they are all in my extended signature Win Streak: 0 Total Wins: 19 Total Loses: 6
DM (me): "As you continue following the descending tunnel, the path eventually opens up into a larger cavernous area. In the middle of the cave, you find the remains of a crude campsite, but there doesn't appear to be anybody else here right now. As you quickly scan the area, this room appears to be a deadend."
Player 1 (half-elven sorcerer): "I want to search for secret doors! I start running my hands all over the walls and pushing on any strange looking stones."
Player 2 (dwarven fighter): *sigh* "I didn't know that rocks could cry..."
Baldur's Gate (video game):
Me: Watch this! This is Fireball.
Viewer: Wow! That wiped all of them out! Wait. Is that one of your party down now? Actually, I think that's two of them. Look! Even that caster is down, too.
Me: Yeah, but I always make sure to keep the healer outside of the blast. As long as she's up, I can always get the others back on their feet.
Viewer: That's a bit messed up.
Me: Bah. What're they gonna do? Rebel?
Viewer: They should make a game where the party leaves if the player keeps getting them killed.
Me: They're not dead. Healing wouldn't work.
Viewer: Okay. Mortally injured, then. How would you like it if someone kept making you stand inside your own fireball blast?
Me: I'd love it.
Viewer: No you wouldn't.
Me: Why not? Those characters love it.
Viewer: What makes you say that?
Me: They haven't left the party.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Ranger: I buy all of the arrows in the store.
Me: *Desperately searches for a reason to not let him spend all of his money on the entire store's stock*
-={[Thirty Minutes Later]}=-
Me: Okay, add 530 arrows to your inventory.
Come participate in the Competition of the Finest Brews, Edition XXVIII?
My homebrew stuff:
Spells, Monsters, Magic Items, Feats, Subclasses.
I am an Archfey, but nobody seems to notice.
Extended Signature