Thinking about an old race I made, the Gwujad, and wondering how I should rework it. I think I've got the mechanics down, I just need to change the lore a bit. There are some glaring holes that my brother pointed out.
As you said, the mechanics seem well-balanced. Toughness of flesh is strong, but I wouldn’t say it’s too OP.
The lore just seems basic. Celestial warriors tainted by their interactions with demons or devils — it’s been done to death. In addition, the writing itself doesn’t really stand up to the kind of lore you write now. You repeat words and sometimes go for several lines using the same structure in each sentence (such as the third paragraph of “legendary monsters.” (I’m not trying to offend. I mean it more as a compliment — your writing is so good the bar is now raised.)
If it were me, I’d rewrite “legendary monsters” entirely, and use what you already have as a guideline only. The culture section is really interesting — flesh it out, maybe write a little sidebar about some more notable members of the race to then use as inspiration.
Of course, this is your race, not mine. Just some thoughts I felt like sharing.
No no, I understand entirely. It's over a year old, and I've improved since then. I know I can do better now, I just want to know how another writer like yourself would change it.
I've been trying to think of ideas. One of them follows the same basic principal of holy warriors vs. the Abyss, except for one major change: they lost. They retreated in terror, and as punishment were banished to the foulest corners of the earth. They've been there for generations, serving their sentences as abyssal corruption seeped into their blood from the wounds they endured. No one told them that their sentence was up, but they've started to come back on their own.
I really like Toughness of Flesh. It's their main feature, and I want to keep it that way. It's not magic resistance, but it's pretty close with how cool it is.
I dunno, what do you think?
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Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Hey, I’m moon, i‘m aged between 3 and 300. Pronouns are She/They/It/It’s/Them/Her. I love D&D. I am chaotic neutral irl. I’m not afraid to punch someone. Mess with me and you’ll find out the hard way. extended sig
I am the goddess of the moon, the tides, and the axolotls
Hey, I’m moon, i‘m aged between 3 and 300. Pronouns are She/They/It/It’s/Them/Her. I love D&D. I am chaotic neutral irl. I’m not afraid to punch someone. Mess with me and you’ll find out the hard way. extended sig
I am the goddess of the moon, the tides, and the axolotls
I've been trying to think of ideas. One of them follows the same basic principal of holy warriors vs. the Abyss, except for one major change: they lost. They retreated in terror, and as punishment were banished to the foulest corners of the earth. They've been there for generations, serving their sentences as abyssal corruption seeped into their blood from the wounds they endured. No one told them that their sentence was up, but they've started to come back on their own.
I really like Toughness of Flesh. It's their main feature, and I want to keep it that way. It's not magic resistance, but it's pretty close with how cool it is.
I dunno, what do you think?
About toughness of flesh? Keep it. Maybe make it mandatory, though, not something you can arbitrarily choose to use for metamancing.
As for the lore, the holy warriors thing is cool, but that means that they’d probably know more about themselves. I sort of liked the idea about a race of monstrous-looking beings that don’t know anything about themselves or why they exist. The abyssal corruption could have magically brainwashed them, I suppose.
If you follow through with that lore, it means you can have a lot of interesting roleplay with angels and other celestials. They’re holy failures that didn’t even serve their full punishment. Maybe they’re terrified of the angels, or resentful, or just ashamed.
I’ll think about other lore ideas, but I don’t have any off the top of my head. The way they’re described, they sound like big, scarier orcs/goblinoids. Maybe they’re like “primal” orcs, the ancestors of the orcs that were cut off from the rest of orc civilization and never evolved? So while the rest of the orcs (or goblins or whatever) became shorter, more tactical, and (somewhat) less aggressive, these guys retained their original height, language, individuality, cooking/culture, tails, and spooky-looking spikes. I dunno if it’s a good idea, though, and it won’t work on every world because it requires the existence of orcs. Just what popped into my head.
Hmmm... Maybe I should just make a new race with a feature similar to Toughness of Flesh, since that's the big thing for the Gwujad.
I'd want it to still be a Monstrosity... that's my favorite creature type, and I really like the idea of playing as one for some reason.
I like the idea of divine punishment, and hedonism being a societal trait... right now, what I can't help but think of is the occult scene in the 1800s.
See, only the rich, bored elite could access the insane, stupid stuff you needed for occult rite and ritual. What if this race was related to those sorts of black magic nobles? Not necessarily by blood, but by some supernatural connection. Maybe they share the same souls, but not the memories or personalities. Something weird like that. I dunno.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Hmmm... Maybe I should just make a new race with a feature similar to Toughness of Flesh, since that's the big thing for the Gwujad.
I'd want it to still be a Monstrosity... that's my favorite creature type, and I really like the idea of playing as one for some reason.
I like the idea of divine punishment, and hedonism being a societal trait... right now, what I can't help but think of is the occult scene in the 1800s.
See, only the rich, bored elite could access the insane, stupid stuff you needed for occult rite and ritual. What if this race was related to those sorts of black magic nobles? Not necessarily by blood, but by some supernatural connection. Maybe they share the same souls, but not the memories or personalities. Something weird like that. I dunno.
I would play one of those, I have a direct decendance from Aleister Crowley,
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Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
Hmmm... Maybe I should just make a new race with a feature similar to Toughness of Flesh, since that's the big thing for the Gwujad.
I'd want it to still be a Monstrosity... that's my favorite creature type, and I really like the idea of playing as one for some reason.
Definitely. Monstrosity, at least right now, is sadly just a catch-all for anything without its own category. It deserves its own identity.
I like the idea of divine punishment, and hedonism being a societal trait...
Same here. That’s why we all love satyrs.
See, only the rich, bored elite could access the insane, stupid stuff you needed for occult rite and ritual. What if this race was related to those sorts of black magic nobles? Not necessarily by blood, but by some supernatural connection. Maybe they share the same souls, but not the memories or personalities. Something weird like that. I dunno.
Or maybe these guys are the source of the nobles’ power? Then again, that’s an NPC idea, not a race idea. Hm.
"Every Great One loses its child and yearns for a surrogate..." -Third Umbilical Cord, Bloodborne
What if we applied a similar principle here? A race that are born from humanoids, but their ancestry traces back to nothing but occult rituals? What if those rituals granted a surrogate mother a child from something horrible? Something not from the stars, but from below the earth? Monsters. They left their rituals for us to find, in hopes that they would have children once more. Of course, the new children are weak and soft, being born from mortals, but things can change. Just give them a little nudge, and they'll be on their way to their own personal ascension...
A drive for adventure, a curiosity and hedonism few can match, and an occult, monstrous origin. What's not to love?
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Oh, that’s good. Damn. Adding an otherworldly, monstrous agenda makes them so much more interesting. You ever make a campaign with these guys, I call dibs on a slot.
Bloodborne is gonna be a huge inspiration for these little monsters, and I'm listening to some music to get in the mood for it. Here are some lyrics that seem to encapsulate what I'm thinking of.
Fear the blood Fear the beast For the hunt They will feast And they're feasting On whatever's left After sinners confess And the kindling ignites On the darkest of nights To the moon To redeem It's the stench It's the screams And I'm fighting A rush and a torrent Of blood and abhorrence When I can't wake up from this dream
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
“Curse the fiends, their children too… and their children, forever true…”
Born of the damned, no one creates a cursechild on purpose. As the name tells, they are accursed creatures, but what is not stated so obviously is that they are orphans of the deepest, darkest horrors of legend. Creatures cursed by the gods to never again bear children. They found a loophole.
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Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
I have a problem: what should make them visibly distinctive? I want them to look at least a little unique.
I envision them with elaborate, biological tattoos. Plus, of course, you have the spikes and tails. They already have darkvision — maybe they have weirdly shaped pupils or something? Like a snake?
They could have patches of scales or something. Not completely covered, just patches around where their spikes are. That could explain Toughness of Flesh visually.
I wasn't thinking about making them look like the Gwujad, instead being a new race, but I do love that design element. Spikes, horns, tails... they are obviously monstrous traits. I also like the biological tattoos concept. Perhaps they have occult symbols in their pigmentations. That could be neat.
I guess since I'm basically scrapping the Gwujad, I can steal as much as I want from them.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
I wrote a fun little short story.
Ooo, wanna share?
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
No no, I understand entirely. It's over a year old, and I've improved since then. I know I can do better now, I just want to know how another writer like yourself would change it.
I've been trying to think of ideas. One of them follows the same basic principal of holy warriors vs. the Abyss, except for one major change: they lost. They retreated in terror, and as punishment were banished to the foulest corners of the earth. They've been there for generations, serving their sentences as abyssal corruption seeped into their blood from the wounds they endured. No one told them that their sentence was up, but they've started to come back on their own.
I really like Toughness of Flesh. It's their main feature, and I want to keep it that way. It's not magic resistance, but it's pretty close with how cool it is.
I dunno, what do you think?
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Bye!
Hey, I’m moon, i‘m aged between 3 and 300. Pronouns are She/They/It/It’s/Them/Her. I love D&D. I am chaotic neutral irl. I’m not afraid to punch someone. Mess with me and you’ll find out the hard way. extended sig
I am the goddess of the moon, the tides, and the axolotls
I am not a furry, I am a fishie.
Yeah, but I’ll need to type it first. When I say I wrote something, I usually mean I just came up with it in my head.
Hi Arch!
Hey, I’m moon, i‘m aged between 3 and 300. Pronouns are She/They/It/It’s/Them/Her. I love D&D. I am chaotic neutral irl. I’m not afraid to punch someone. Mess with me and you’ll find out the hard way. extended sig
I am the goddess of the moon, the tides, and the axolotls
I am not a furry, I am a fishie.
Oh lol.
About toughness of flesh? Keep it. Maybe make it mandatory, though, not something you can arbitrarily choose to use for metamancing.
As for the lore, the holy warriors thing is cool, but that means that they’d probably know more about themselves. I sort of liked the idea about a race of monstrous-looking beings that don’t know anything about themselves or why they exist. The abyssal corruption could have magically brainwashed them, I suppose.
If you follow through with that lore, it means you can have a lot of interesting roleplay with angels and other celestials. They’re holy failures that didn’t even serve their full punishment. Maybe they’re terrified of the angels, or resentful, or just ashamed.
I’ll think about other lore ideas, but I don’t have any off the top of my head. The way they’re described, they sound like big, scarier orcs/goblinoids. Maybe they’re like “primal” orcs, the ancestors of the orcs that were cut off from the rest of orc civilization and never evolved? So while the rest of the orcs (or goblins or whatever) became shorter, more tactical, and (somewhat) less aggressive, these guys retained their original height, language, individuality, cooking/culture, tails, and spooky-looking spikes. I dunno if it’s a good idea, though, and it won’t work on every world because it requires the existence of orcs. Just what popped into my head.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
Hmmm... Maybe I should just make a new race with a feature similar to Toughness of Flesh, since that's the big thing for the Gwujad.
I'd want it to still be a Monstrosity... that's my favorite creature type, and I really like the idea of playing as one for some reason.
I like the idea of divine punishment, and hedonism being a societal trait... right now, what I can't help but think of is the occult scene in the 1800s.
See, only the rich, bored elite could access the insane, stupid stuff you needed for occult rite and ritual. What if this race was related to those sorts of black magic nobles? Not necessarily by blood, but by some supernatural connection. Maybe they share the same souls, but not the memories or personalities. Something weird like that. I dunno.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
I would play one of those, I have a direct decendance from Aleister Crowley,
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
Definitely. Monstrosity, at least right now, is sadly just a catch-all for anything without its own category. It deserves its own identity.
Same here. That’s why we all love satyrs.
Or maybe these guys are the source of the nobles’ power? Then again, that’s an NPC idea, not a race idea. Hm.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
"Every Great One loses its child and yearns for a surrogate..." -Third Umbilical Cord, Bloodborne
What if we applied a similar principle here? A race that are born from humanoids, but their ancestry traces back to nothing but occult rituals? What if those rituals granted a surrogate mother a child from something horrible? Something not from the stars, but from below the earth? Monsters. They left their rituals for us to find, in hopes that they would have children once more. Of course, the new children are weak and soft, being born from mortals, but things can change. Just give them a little nudge, and they'll be on their way to their own personal ascension...
A drive for adventure, a curiosity and hedonism few can match, and an occult, monstrous origin. What's not to love?
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Oh, that’s good. Damn. Adding an otherworldly, monstrous agenda makes them so much more interesting. You ever make a campaign with these guys, I call dibs on a slot.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
Bloodborne is gonna be a huge inspiration for these little monsters, and I'm listening to some music to get in the mood for it. Here are some lyrics that seem to encapsulate what I'm thinking of.
Fear the blood
Fear the beast
For the hunt
They will feast
And they're feasting
On whatever's left
After sinners confess
And the kindling ignites
On the darkest of nights
To the moon
To redeem
It's the stench
It's the screams
And I'm fighting
A rush and a torrent
Of blood and abhorrence
When I can't wake up from this dream
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Never played Bloodborne. Always wanted to. Very cool lyrics.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
“Curse the fiends, their children too… and their children, forever true…”
Born of the damned, no one creates a cursechild on purpose. As the name tells, they are accursed creatures, but what is not stated so obviously is that they are orphans of the deepest, darkest horrors of legend. Creatures cursed by the gods to never again bear children. They found a loophole.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
I have a problem: what should make them visibly distinctive? I want them to look at least a little unique.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
I envision them with elaborate, biological tattoos. Plus, of course, you have the spikes and tails. They already have darkvision — maybe they have weirdly shaped pupils or something? Like a snake?
They could have patches of scales or something. Not completely covered, just patches around where their spikes are. That could explain Toughness of Flesh visually.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
Here's a few looks that you could compile
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
I wasn't thinking about making them look like the Gwujad, instead being a new race, but I do love that design element. Spikes, horns, tails... they are obviously monstrous traits. I also like the biological tattoos concept. Perhaps they have occult symbols in their pigmentations. That could be neat.
I guess since I'm basically scrapping the Gwujad, I can steal as much as I want from them.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.
Look up Orphan of Kos. Then look up Elden Ring Omen. Those are two inspirations I'm thinking of working from.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
May each word that I speak be backed by each of my teeth.